unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 4/7/2009 10:19 PM BST
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Total posts: 32
First post: 30/12/2008 Last post: 18/11/2009 |
How you doing hun? It sounds like you're keeping strong, I'm really impresed with how you've dealt with this. In respose to your q about finding out why you were ignored, for me, although the situation wasn't quite the same (my best friend led me on, told me he liked me, kissed me etc and then went back to his ex and ignored me for ages) it didn't help when I finally cornered him about it. It was a year after it happened and he basically said he didn't mean to but he didn't know what he was doing or that he was hurting me. It all boiled down to the fact he didn'g give a flying f*ck about me or our friendship, only on getting what he could from whoever he could. So it didnt help with getting over him, it just dragged it all up again. Sometimes you never know the reasons why, probably cos in a situation like this, the guy doesnt make the concious decision to be a s**t, he just stops making the effort or is too busy to care. So I think you're sensible in not emailing him, cos you will be on the internet constantly waiting for a reply that either won't come OR if it does, will be completely unsatisfactory and make you feel even worse. Stay strong, you deserve better!! xx |
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 4/7/2009 11:27 PM BST
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Total posts: 1780
First post: 2/6/2006 Last post: 2/10/2009 |
I really feel for you; it's the shittiest thing when men just go AWOL. I know what you mean about always being told you'll meet a good man one day and it never really happening, I'm in the same boat on that one! Don't know what the secret is really, but don't lose faith, they can't all be shits! I hope. Hope you feel better soon, onwards and upwards! |
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 5/7/2009 7:40 AM BST
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Total posts: 298
First post: 20/4/2008 Last post: 18/11/2009 |
Thanks everyone for your replies. The only progress I've made is that I know he's not going to contact me which has just brought up a whole new level of pain :( I can hardly do anything atm. Last night I didn't fall asleep til 4.30-I'm grateful my Mum didn't mind being woken up at 2am just so I could have some company. Couldn't get out of bed until 1pm today. I have absolutely no appetite so have pretty much refused all food (which is bad for me seeing as usually when I feel sick and even want to be sick I have an appetite) . When my sisters or parents are around I can kinda put on a brave face but I've been having to go to my bedroom or the bathroom just to cry a few times a day-really sucks :( I keep thinking that it will help to let it out by crying but then it just happens all over again. My friends are all busy so haven't seen any of them. Been pretty confined to home apart from a walk a couple hours ago which I think I got 2 minutes where I wasn't thinking about it all. Also cleaned my room which kept me a bit busy. I'm just wishing Wednesday would come as I have an appointment with my psychologist and I really need it. I'm continually wanting answers and I know they are coming so I'm having a very hard time accepting it. I put away anything reminding me of him (sucks cos it means I won't be listening to my favourite music for quite a while) and put it all with the other stuff from other idiots in the past. I can't even imagine looking at him again let alone talking to him. I don't understand how he could change so suddenly :( |
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 5/7/2009 5:34 PM BST
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Total posts: 61
First post: 12/5/2009 Last post: 14/7/2009 |
In Response to Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...: I've been trying to be strong but in the last hour or so it's hit me and I know I'm about to be a complete mess :( I don't know if I should delete him from facebook, msn etc now or if I should write an email-I really have no idea :( I'm just feeling so upset and let down. I feel ok for a moment and then remember he ignored me and put the pictures up and wasn't there for me-it feels like he was a completely different person. I just feel like complete sh*t. This is exactly how I felt last year to do with another guy so the fact that it's happened all again with someone I loved so much is destroying me. I wish I could just roll up in a ball and get rid of these feelings :(:'( Posted by thepinkshoe Hi again Pink - Ive picked this post out because of what you say about feeling this way about another guy last year. You are not a weak person by hurting again like this. It's simply that you have feelings and know how to love and so when someone lets you down and disappoints you in the bad way they treat you, you simply feel the confusion and hurt of that disappointment. You survived it the first time, you will survive this. Its just very early days and your heart feels like its bleeding. Sweetie, you have been very strong and, even in all that pain, you know that he has treated you in a way you dont deserve. It may be that you will get hurt again but you have to pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and start again. Life can be hard but you know the ol' saying - What doesnt kill us makes us stronger. You have way more integrity that he has - and you leant on people for support, which is a great thing. You can and will get through this. Wish I was there to hand you a glass of wine and a great big hug!
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 5/7/2009 5:41 PM BST
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Total posts: 61
First post: 12/5/2009 Last post: 14/7/2009 |
In Response to Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...: Jeez don't write him an email or contact him. Hes' decided that its over and made it abundantly clear what he thinks about you or your feelings - zilch. You don;t have to decided or tell him thats its over - its is. Already. Finished. Now, the only thing you can control is your pride and dignity. So.... no back handed ness so he'll see stuff on FB. Block and delete. You will find this is the best thing in the long run. You are desperate for him to contact you and doesn't want too. Please save yourself from this, as much as you can. The guy is a complete and utter arse. Posted by Mr.Mannering*wishes she had a sheriff's badge* I like this post! I had to do this myself in the last couple of days. A male er... *friend* of mine who I have known for around 10 years has been messing me about as long as I have known him. A compulsive liar, fickle, manipulative, guilt-mongering, etc etc and I have been putting up with his behaviour because I kept making excuses but I didnt look at the wider picture. The way I FELT, the way I WAS BEING AFFECTED EMOTIONALLY by his bad behaviour. Its as if I blotted out how miserable he made me feel - and this only a friend!! I felt used and fooled and that is exactly what I was - used and fooled. It takes alot to admit that to yourself and deal with it. I didnt write him an email, text or phone him. I simply took him off my Facebook, my Live Messenger and my mobile phone. Ive left a message in another part of the internet for other people who have come to same conclusion about him (weird how we synchronistically aired our views about him within a day or two of each other. Must be a moon phase or something!).. But yes, I feel like a great weight has lifted since deleting him from my life. I dont have to let him hurt me anymore - he is a waste of space.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 5/7/2009 6:00 PM BST
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Total posts: 61
First post: 12/5/2009 Last post: 14/7/2009 |
In Response to Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...: But what kind of lesson am I supposed to learn? Not to trust anyone again as anyone can be an arse? The only lessons that I've learnt at all from guys is that they are idiots and will eventually hurt me anyway. There was nothing before that could have warned me for this so I can't look for it next time. I will never have control over this situation so of course I am going to feel helpess. Ignoring him or sending him an email-either way I'm still helpless in this situation so what am I supposed to do? Just wait for the pain to one day stop? And why should I do that? So I can be happy, maybe one day meet someone and for this to happen again? Friends are saying "you're such a wonderful person, you'll meet someone better" but they said that last time and I thought he was and its like this all over again. The only experience I have to do with guys ends up as a horrible one. So how can I put this down to experience and to learn lessons from this? I can't just forget about him. It doesn't work like that Posted by thepinkshoe There is always the chance you will meet another guy who hurts you. The answer is how we react to those situations. We have choices in how we are affected by the bad behaviour of others. It is very difficult to simpy put your feelings aside when someone hurts you - in fact, we wouldnt be human if we didnt feel our hearts rip occasionally when someone we love hurts us. But its the degree we are prepared to go in our hurt. Dwelling on the ifs and buts, dwelling on the good times, dwelling on the reeling pain of confusion and disappointment is destructive. Dwelling is the one thing that keeps us locked in that constant fight of pain, anguish and confusion. Its still early days but you need to fill your life with anything but dwelling on this pain. The pain will be there for a while, it wont go away when you exercise, it wont go away when you go on a shopping spree with your mates, it wont go away when you drink a few glasses of wine, it doesnt go away but what you try to do is lesson the pain by not dwelling on it as much. The brain is fascinating - it learns by repetion and experience. Like the first time you smell or taste something bad - it learns not to go near that thing again! So, everytime you go near that thought of how hurt you are/were, simply try to push it out again and just enjoy the moment - whatever you are doing. Your brain needs to learn again not to dwell on a bad situation but to try and put some of that pain away so you can function in a reasonably normal manner. Its bloody hard, Im not saying it isnt - but *dwelling (focusing)* on something that hurts us makes us out of control - you need to try and lift yourself above it. Given time, your brain will figure it out and allow you to feel *less* pain. And this rule will apply in any situation where you are let down by someone you care for (whether is a boyfriend, friend, relative). I dont know if this helps but I realised I had a *dwelling* personality quite a number of years ago when I was left wrecked from constant bad behaviour shown towards me by my own mum. I realised that I wanted an explanation, I wanted her justification for her behaviour, I wanted her to *see* her denial on how she was treating me. It was MY point I insisted on putting across. But, I realised after many years of dwelling and ripping myself to pieces over her behaviour, that I cant actually change her (its was up to my Mum to see what she was doing, which she couldnt), so I learnt to accept that this is the way she is, that its not my fault and that to dwell on something I could never get an answer to or to change will hurt me much more than simply accepting. In a way, we have to change our perspective on it (because *they* cant or wont) to deal with the pain of disappointment.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 6/7/2009 4:16 AM BST
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Total posts: 298
First post: 20/4/2008 Last post: 18/11/2009 |
Thanks Sigourney for all your replies, I guess trying to get my brain to repeat other things would be a good thing to try. I just still have nothing to do. All my friends are busy-and often it is just they are busy with their boyfriends so I don't want to be there at that point. Last year a guy I was with decided he wanted to be with someone else..yet still wanted me too. He strung me along for months mainly cos I let him. I thought I had found someone different-someone who just wanted to be with me and then this-different situation but still the same amount of pain. Guess the situation was similiar cos I wasn't important enough for both of them. I have a feeling that I didn't really get over the other guy until I met this one. First few months I was worried it would just be a rebound for me but then I forgot about the other guy. So the fact that it took 9 months to get a bit past the hurt of the other guy isn't making me too positive that it could possibly take that long. I don't want to be feeling like this for another year :( And people just say that you can change the way you feel easily but it's never been like that. I haven't been happy with everything in my life for so long-it's like theres always something that will make me feel sh*t. I'm starting to hate my life all over again. |
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 6/7/2009 8:05 AM BST
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Total posts: 15459
First post: 20/1/2005 Last post: 3/11/2009 |
Darling only you can make yourself happy. I think some time away from men wouldn't be a bad thing at this point. Give you the space to focus on what you need. |
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 6/7/2009 9:12 AM BST
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Total posts: 30799
First post: 18/3/2003 Last post: 16/11/2009 |
Megs is right, Pink. Nine times out of ten, a man will make you miserable because you're depending on him to be happy. Step away from men entirely and be happy in yourself. |
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Re: unsure if it's the end or the beginning of the end...
posted at 6/7/2009 9:31 AM BST
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Total posts: 298
First post: 20/4/2008 Last post: 18/11/2009 |
I don't feel that I always need a man to be happy but there definitely have been times when this is the case of my thinking. When I've had other things in my life going good I haven't really bothered with guys-sure I've liked them but whether or not something happened didn't seem to worry me. When I feel alone is when I think having a guy would help make me happy as that is what is constantly around me. My two sisters always have their boyfriends over or are out with them and my friends are always with their boyfriends so I feel left out a lot. I have a really hard time with feeling lonely-while I can enjoy time by myself it's usually only when everyone is annoying me that I enjoy it. I'm not really a person who likes being alone. I used to swim competitively and that was pretty much the only thing that made me happy-even there I was a bit of an outsider as I didn't really fit in with the rest of them-I'm just not the kind of girl that flirts with everyone and loves going out every night to drink (which made me not as cool to them). But I quit that about a month ago as even that stopped making me happy. All my friends from high school have their own groups of friends now and I'm good friends with one or two from each group-but I'm not invited out too often we don't seem to be friends that just drop by to say hi-like this week-I've spoken to my close friends about him and all I've gotten is "you'll be ok" or "you deserve better". One friend talked to me for an hour on the phone which was nice but thats been the most. I know I can't expect people to drop things to be with me but it would have been nice to at least feel like they care that I'm so upset. I don't get what I'm supposed to do to not feel as lonely but it's been something I've felt for ages. I sometimes feel like I'm not doing something right or am just weird but I know I'm not. I've been to the Olympics, travelled the world, done well at school, done well at so many sports but I still end up not happy and lonely. I don't get it :( |
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