Forums » Relationships » Relationships » Unbearable..
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Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 1:26 PM BST
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Total posts: 8
First post: 24/10/2009 Last post: 8/11/2009 |
Hey everyone...I'm a regular bagger posting under a different name as I'm fairly sure my boyfriend has the occasional read of handbag! Quite simply I can't. I do love him but I dont trust him. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him for cheating on me. I used to be a secure happy person and he's ruined that. I've thought about walking away and it's unbearable. Similarly it's equally unbearable trying to get over it. I'm not the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship and I'm not worried about being single again. |
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 2:14 PM BST
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Total posts: 1128
First post: 14/11/2005 Last post: 27/1/2010 |
Poor you, I can understand why you feel so betrayed. I've never been in your position, but for me him not being able to tell you why he did it, would be one of the reasons for not being able to move on from this. If you knew why, then I think it could help. Was it a ONS or was it something that went on for a while? Big hugs x |
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 2:24 PM BST
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Total posts: 239
First post: 8/9/2009 Last post: 6/3/2010 |
I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to say that I hope you're ok and it's understandable you are still hurting, you gave your boyfriend your trust and he betrayed it. Not only that, he didn't confess - you confronted him with your suspicions. A friend of mine - her husband had a affair and she decided to stay with him for the sake of their children. It's been 5 years since she found out and they are still together but I know that they aren't very happy, the affair does still come up during arguments and she still doesn't trust him at all. I think that the only person who is going to be able to say that you will trust your boyfriend again is you. Have you considered relationship counselling (relate offer solo sessions) to try and work out how you feel / to deal with your mood swings? |
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 2:26 PM BST
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Total posts: 8
First post: 24/10/2009 Last post: 8/11/2009 |
Thanks Tootsweet *hugs* From what I've managed to piece together, she contacted him on one of his old social networking profiles (not FB!) and they got chatting. He's self employed so she would pop round for a coffee and have a cosy chat with him. Then when his parents went on holiday he invited her round and they slept together. Things were "awkward" afterwards and she left. I told him I could try and understand if it was a drunken mistake but as far as I can see it was premeditated. ETA: Thanks Kelly...to be honest I hadn't thought about going to Relate. I might look into that and see if he wants to come with me. If not then I'll go by myself! |
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 2:53 PM BST
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Total posts: 830
First post: 20/1/2005 Last post: 21/1/2010 |
Hmmm...not an entirely similar situation but I've recently come out of a relationship where my boyfriend cheated on me by kissing another girl. We had been together about 3 years and were going through a really rough patch. He confessed immediately and he was drunk and we'd just had a big argument yadda yadda. I forgave him, but obviously it was different for the reasons above. I think I was only able to forgive him because I could rationalise why he did it - ie, we'd just had an argument and it was impulsive when some girl (read:whore) came on to him whilst he was drunk. I don't think I could have got past it had he either a) slept with her or b) not been able to tell me why he did it. It was incredibly hard going through it with him and rehashing all the details but I think he understood why I needed to do that. And you do need to do that in order to get past it I think. You need to know whether it is likely to happen again before you can properly make a choice whether to forgive or not. If he can't tell you why it happened then no wonder you feel completely paranoid and unable to get past it. I have to say I also find what he did premeditated. If it was one night fine, but the contact, cosy chats and then inviting her round - that is the ultimate betrayal and deception for me. If you can get past this with him then you're a better person than most. By the way, after choosing to forgive my ex it was difficult for a while but after a couple of months we did get past it and I did trust him again. It was either that or finish it - I wasn't going to continue the relationship unless I could agree to forget about it. However, we broke up after 6 more months but that was for other reasons. The cheating was a symptom to the problems in our relationship and that eventually did give way. I do think you can get past cheating though. But you need to find out the symptoms that caused it before you can treat the problem so to speak.
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 3:08 PM BST
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Total posts: 8
First post: 24/10/2009 Last post: 8/11/2009 |
[quote]If you can get past this with him then you're a better person than most.[/quote] Thank you MadameCarrot...to be honest I feel weak for not walking away. He clung onto my leg when I packed my bags to leave and like an idiot I stayed. I just wish I knew if things could get better or if I'm going to feel this way forever. I didn't want to make any harsh decisions when I found out that I would regret later. But now it's starting to affect my health so I feel like I need to make a decision one way or another. I suppose the PMT doesn't help! |
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 3:17 PM BST
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Total posts: 830
First post: 20/1/2005 Last post: 21/1/2010 |
You CAN get past this if you want to and you won't feel this rubbish forever. However, you simply HAVE to find out why it happened. I think you'll find that is why you're feeling so stressed about it. It's not usually the deception per se (especially after 6 months) but the not knowing if it will happen again. Can you not sit him down and explain that you need to know why he did it? Otherwise, I think you're really going to struggle with this.
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 3:25 PM BST
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Total posts: 8
First post: 24/10/2009 Last post: 8/11/2009 |
I did try and sit him down about a month ago to talk about it. I wasn't confrontational or aggressive...I thought I was being quite rational! He was very defensive and said he didn't know why he did it. I tried to explain that obviously I was completely oblivious to the fact it had happened and thought we'd got a happy relationship. He said he really didn't want to talk about it - I said that I needed to know so that I could stop it from happening again. He said I would just have to trust him! |
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 3:25 PM BST
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Total posts: 694
First post: 10/10/2008 Last post: 10/3/2010 |
Hey broken hearted, I just read your post and had to send you a  it's awful when something like this happened and it did happen to me and we tried to get past it but like you I just couldn't get past the trust thing, but if it makes you feel any better I met someone later on and i'm the happiest I've ever been xxxx
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Re: Unbearable..
posted at 24/10/2009 3:36 PM BST
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Total posts: 830
First post: 20/1/2005 Last post: 21/1/2010 |
In Response to Re: Unbearable..: I did try and sit him down about a month ago to talk about it. I wasn't confrontational or aggressive...I thought I was being quite rational! He was very defensive and said he didn't know why he did it. I tried to explain that obviously I was completely oblivious to the fact it had happened and thought we'd got a happy relationship. He said he really didn't want to talk about it - I said that I needed to know so that I could stop it from happening again. He said I would just have to trust him! Posted by Broken-Hearted-Girl Well I'm sorry but that would send me absolutely apesh*t. If he wants to work this out with you then he HAS to tell you why it happened. Even if he doesn't know (which I doubt), he needs to talk it through with you - how he was feeling about you and your relationship at the time, how he was feeling in himself, why this particular girl etc. I really think you need to put your foot down with this. How on earth do you think its going to get better otherwise? These things CAN get better but it's not some sort of magic 'time heals' cr@p. It take work, communication and reassurance. He's taking you for a ride if he thinks he can just use the old "trust me" line. He broke that and now it's his job to fix it, if he really loves you.
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