I think she's cheating - what do I do?
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I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 8:47 AM GMT
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Total posts: 14
First post: 23/9/2007 Last post: 14/11/2009 |
Hi all I post on here very irregularly - about once every 2 years I reckon! Hoping people can help me as I feel completely stressed about this. My other half uses Facebook a lot. I don't even have an account. Just don't get it really. Anyway she mentions an old friend (male) had contacted her. I asked ex-boyfriend, she says no. Then discussing something one night and she said someone had sent her some 'rock quiz' to do or something. I know her old male friend used to be into rock music, as was she, and so asked her who sent it. She hesitated a bit and then said her friend Debs had sent it. I didn't believe her but didn't challenge it. Yesterday I got an anonymous email from someone who says they have seen something a bit strange on my other half's facebook wall and I might want to ask her who 'Pete' is. It must be someone who can see her pages and who knows me. There are a few people on her list of friends who fit that bill but it's been sent from a weird web mail address and they don't want to reveal themselves. So now I get really worried and do the stupid thing that you are all going to say I shouldn't do and try to log into her facebook account! I know........ Anyway it took one guess of her password (not very original) and I was in. Safe to say what I saw has got me really worried. I couldn't sleep last night and don't know what to do. I see a string of messages on her wall from a guy called Pete but no replies from her. It seems they were discussing meeting up from what I can get from only half of the messages. I then looked in her inbox and I see the following: My other half October 27 at 6:18pm Hey - deleted those comments from earlier as not sure how this FB thing works in terms of who can see what.....Lots of my work colleagues on here so just playing safe :) Catch you later :) Pete replies - OK no problem x I know I've done the unthinkable and looked at her account but after the email I got I felt I had no choice. And now I've seen what I've seen it's worse! Any advice on how to deal with this? I feel ill at the moment with worry and stress. Our relationship is pretty rocky at the moment too. Thanks |
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 9:59 AM GMT
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*Host Team*
Total posts: 32645
First post: 28/6/2004 Last post: 3/11/2009 |
Whoever sent you that anonymous email is a cowardly prick. I'd tell your OH you received it and ask what she thinks. I'd also tell her you hacked her FB because of it, apologise, then ask what was so bad she had to delete it (although it sounds like she was mouthing off about her job to me). If you're not comfortable with her friendship with this bloke, you need to tell her. She shouldn't cover it up as that will only make things worse - are you generally OK about her having male friends? |
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 10:23 AM GMT
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Total posts: 14
First post: 23/9/2007 Last post: 14/11/2009 |
Hi Dazzling I can't work out who the enail is from! I'm fine with her having male freinds. No problems with that. However a number of years ago a 'friend' at work turned out to be a lot more. She left me and went off with him. We we apart for about a year but eventually got back together and now have a little boy. Our sex life is just about non-existant as she is never interested in it. All these things are adding up to make me think it's going to happen again...... I'm worried that the comments she deleted were about other stuff than just work 
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 10:33 AM GMT
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Total posts: 30799
First post: 18/3/2003 Last post: 16/11/2009 |
I agree with Dazz that you need to tell her you've had the email. As you've seen what was written on her wall, you could ask her why she's so keen to meet up with this Pete? |
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 10:34 AM GMT
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Total posts: 14
First post: 23/9/2007 Last post: 14/11/2009 |
Lily We got back together becuase I love her to death. Problem is it look like she doesn't feel the same way. She tells me she loves me but actions speak louder than words..... |
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 11:06 AM GMT
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Total posts: 3572
First post: 13/4/2004 Last post: 18/11/2009 |
I totally agree with Dazz ... fess up immediately and guage her reaction when you do. She's already had an affair before so you should be able to tell if she's lying to you. From what you say, it doesn't sound as if things are great in your relationship ... do you talk to each other about things? When you got back together again, did you discuss the infidelity/seek counselling etc? I know when my ex hubby had his first affair, once it was out in the open he thought there was no need to "discuss" the nitty gritty and brushed it under the carpet .. only for me to discover, 2 years later, he was having another one. I guess to some degree, he felt he had "got away with it" the first time why not a second? It may be that your relationship is stagnating and she could be looking for excitement elsewhere and in a weird way .. maybe her and this ex have unfinished business. The only way you will find anything out it to sit her down and talk. Good luck Jx
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 11:06 AM GMT
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Total posts: 386
First post: 24/3/2009 Last post: 10/11/2009 |
I wouldn't start jumping to conclusions yet. You need to speak to her about it and ask her whats going on. Don't keep it quiet because it will just tear you up inside. I know the trust has been broken before, and this is probably why you are feeling so anxious about it; but there may be a genuine reason for the wall post and the message in her inbox. And if there isn't then at least you know and can deal with it. You need more than love in a relationship.
Mountains rise and fall, and under them the Turtle swims onward.
Men live and die, and the Turtle Moves. Empires grow and crumble, and the Turtle Moves. Gods come and go, and still the Turtle Moves. The Turtle Moves. - Terry Pratchett "Small Gods" |
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 11:12 AM GMT
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Total posts: 30799
First post: 18/3/2003 Last post: 16/11/2009 |
TBH if you love her to bits but don't feel she feels the same way the relationship is on a sticky wicket anyway. It doesn't sound like she's put much effort in to make this work and you have swallowed your pride and hurt to have her back. Confront her and tell her you won't put up with any more bullshit - she's obviously a pretty practised liar - she owes it to you and your son to be honest.
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 12:42 PM GMT
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Total posts: 2407
First post: 1/4/2005 Last post: 19/11/2009 |
It doesnt sound good on the whole, but she could have just been discussing work on facebook and then deleted the messages (My friend recently asked how the job hunt was going and I had to delete it as my colleagues would obviously ask questions!) You shouldnt have logged in to her account, however its done now. You need to talk to her, tell her about this email (which I agree is extremely cowardly!) and ask what they could be on about. Then let her know you checked her account as a result. If she cares, she will be angry about the invasion but would still want to reassure you that she isnt up to no good. She has a history so your lack of trust if understandable, but if things are going to go much further then you need to discuss this and be clear on who this guy is. Sorry that your going through this, but dont tear yourself up. It could amount to be nothing. |
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Re: I think she's cheating - what do I do?
posted at 28/10/2009 12:54 PM GMT
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Total posts: 14
First post: 23/9/2007 Last post: 14/11/2009 |
Thanks for all the advice everyone. My only issue with sitting down and discussing it is, I know she will take it as an accusation. No matter how I approach it or 'wrap it up' as just a question she will see it as an attack. I've known her for too long to think she'll take it any other way. |
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