Taking Others' Advice
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Forums » Relationships » Relationships » Taking Others' Advice
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Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 1:01 AM BST
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Total posts: 7106
First post: 25/4/2006 Last post: 4/8/2009 |
As you know, I'm seeing my ex. Its slow and incredibly plodding atm, due to his work. He's doing over 20hrs OT per week and thats cool. Its just my mates: they're going on about how he should still be making special time for me (he makes time where he can - I'm not work, I'm not his job, I have a life, I'll fit in when/if i can, is my thought process) but they're telling me that I'm not settling for what I should. We speak every day, we see each other every week, and erm, we shag like rampant bunnies.... but I worry that they see sommat I don't............. I think I"m just harbouring latent worry from the last time we dated. I have to say, honestly, I'm scared of moving too quickly (even though I'd marry him tomorrow) in case it goes to shit like last time. It proper scares me. I dunno, waddya think? I love him, I'm happy to just go day to day and see what happens but my mates are throwing this timeline in and I'm wondering if I"m being too lax.
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the way.
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 8:06 AM BST
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Total posts: 8433
First post: 10/11/2005 Last post: 22/7/2009 |
If you're happy with it then I think you should thank your mates for their concern but let them know things are fine and you're doing it your way. I can completely understand why you want to take it slow and think that's totally the right way to do this. 20 hours OT a week is a lot (I'd be knackered!) so it's understandable his time is limited and that's probably no bad thing in the early stages. There's no need for a timeline - if you're both happy then just go with the flow. Just because it was so serious before doesn't mean you need to jump right back to there - in fact I think too much pressure could ruin things before they get started. Trust yourself Eileen, you know best what's right for you.
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posted at 4/7/2009 8:40 AM BST
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Total posts: 2367
First post: 15/1/2004 Last post: 1/11/2009 |
Well your friends know you better than we do and obviously care about you but I think you need to think long and hard about your current situation. Do you have any nagging doubts at all? Are you truly happy with the circumstances at the moment? Can you remember all the things that split you up in the first place, and are they likely to rear up again? If you truly have no nagging doubts and you are honestly happy with the situation and there's no chance of history repeating itself concerning the last break-up, then fine. Just smile at your mates and thank them for your concern but all is well. |
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 9:14 AM BST
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Total posts: 3267
First post: 23/7/2003 Last post: 7/11/2009 |
i think people (friends, family, society etc) put a lot of pressure on relationships nowadays. if he doesn't want to move in within x months he doesnt really love you. if he doesn't say i love you then he's looking for someone new etc. people aren't all the same. there isn't one perfect way of having a relationship. in fact i read somewhere that psychologically the best relationships were ones where the two people maintained separate houses even when married!! (not sure i get that one though!!) if you're happy with how it's going, i'd reply something like "but i DONT WANT to see him more often. since splitting up with him i've developed a really great social life, and if i saw him more often then i wouldn't have time to come out and have a great time with YOU!! and you're more important than any man..." flattery will get you everywhere 
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 10:24 AM BST
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Total posts: 7106
First post: 25/4/2006 Last post: 4/8/2009 |
Cheers ladies. I'm happy with my own space - sure, his work is reeeeeeally annoying at times (I'm seeing him today for a couple of hours and a brew, thats it for the week) but he's always been a workaholic. Always. - I have my nights out with friends, my son, college, etc. But its just my closest mates have been saying "he should be planning your future together etc etc" but the boy wants to go off and work abroad (another reason why its going slowly) and I want him to go. I want him to do what he wants to do - if he comes back, then grand. If not, then grand also. And they think I"m mad for that. And it really makes me doubt myself...........
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the way.
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 10:55 AM BST
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Total posts: 938
First post: 12/8/2008 Last post: 30/10/2009 |
Maybe your friends see you getting close to him and are worried you will get hurt again. They may have a point hun. My friends are like my mum, annoyingly usually right. It sounds like he is a guy on a mission with his work and you might not ever come first in his life especially as he is planning to work abroad. If you are as happy with the situation as you say you are then you really have nothing to worry about.... but something tells me you might not be... Personally I think you may be falling for this guy. I think you are so full of your feelings for him at the moment that you are not thinking too much about him packing up and going abroad... but your friends are... |
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 12:51 PM BST
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Total posts: 2883
First post: 30/8/2008 Last post: 2/11/2009 |
In Response to Re: Taking Others' Advice: [QUOTE] I guess it boils down to what YOU want, doesn;t it ?? You see him for a hour over a cup of tea and thats it for all week. He wants to move away and work abroad. If you are happy with a relationship that is like that, then thats fine. But, if you want more companionship, more of a planned togther future then its evenutally going to go tits up. Even if you say to yourself that its all OK, is it ?? You may have a really busy life but only you know deep down, if you'll be happy in the long run, with what this guy can offer. From what you've writtne, it doesn;t sound like much, for whatever reasons, but....... thats just as I know it wouldn't be right for me. I would want more. If it was my mate, who really loved this guy and would marry him tomorrow I would rasie my concerns about the difference in the way his actions seem to be (not necessarily his feelings ). As you get older eileen, (as you knw ) you do understand that there's more to life than working and OT and as you messed up once before, i would expect him to be actively making some choices to engage with you and make it special. You know what makes relationships work, one of the great things about beng over 40 and longer in the tooth - you've made your mistakes, hopefully you are in a position to see signs and to have a wider undersatdning of how the land lies and where things will end up. Trust your instincts, as has been said, but be honest - taking it slowly doesn't mean what you are doing in my book. You need to have a certain level of interaction to see how things are bewteen you, in different circumstances, or how do you know ????? You and I, shall be friends until we are old and senile. |
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 1:05 PM BST
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Total posts: 7106
First post: 25/4/2006 Last post: 4/8/2009 |
Oh we do talk - every day online. i'm probably more in contact with him now than I was in the last few months of actually living with him in his house, lol - and this OT isn't forever. We could go out tonight but I'm seeing mates. And next weekend and the weekend after that, too. He may never go abroad - "want" and "do" are two different things, so I'm not stressing about it. But I know I'd go if I was him. As much as I adore my son, if I didn't have him, I wouldn't be here in this country, I'd be off. There's not a day goes by that I don't want to stuff my clothes in a suitcase and do one elsewhere. And as for what I want? Erm, I like my own space, I like having my routine, and I'm happy to meet up somewhere in the middle........... Mr M, why've you changed your name??
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the way.
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 1:13 PM BST
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Total posts: 78
First post: 2/6/2009 Last post: 14/10/2009 |
I have a policy of listening to everyone's advice but then going with my heart. After I ended things with my ex I told my mum that she absolutely must speak out if she ever had doubts against a partner again and I promised I'd always listen and not get upset. Apparently my boyfriend reminds not just her but several family members of my ex!!! Ouch! I'm in love with the guy and am not about to walk away so this needs considering. What my ex did was isolate me from my family and friends. Now my boyfriend doesn't do this and it may just be that he shares a few traits with my ex but regardless, I've since made a greater effort to build a life for myself seperate from him and just broke our Sunday date (the one night we always see each other) because I have friends visiting the UK that I couldn't see any other day. He was totally cool and said we could do our Sunday night on Tuesday night. My heart says my boyfriend is nothing like my ex but I trust my family and friends. I told my boyfriend I needed a bit more independence (I just moved to his town and don't know anyone) and he said he completely understood. Only time will tell but I feel my family and friends have no motivation to ever speak against him (except my mum who is a bit upset that he has kids from his previous marriage). Best of luck x |
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Re: Taking Others' Advice
posted at 4/7/2009 1:24 PM BST
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Total posts: 7106
First post: 25/4/2006 Last post: 4/8/2009 |
I've spoken to me mam and she seems to think I'm doing the right thing :) But I hope everything works out for you, Evana - having your own independence is key and if I'm honest, I'm scared to death of losing mine. I like the control of having my own independence. Monica? Moi? A little......
I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the way.
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