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why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 2:27 PM BST
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Total posts: 6855
First post: 4/2/2004 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
Hello lovelies. I'm still reluctantly upset bout the demise of my recent rellie, so I'm doing a lot of thinking and feeling lots of 'eurghness', having weird dreams and just, well, pondering. So, my ex was a cheapskate. You know the score. But what is it about stingyness in a boyfriend/girlfriend that turns us off so? I think it has a direct relationship with being emotionally mean as well - and in my experience it is most definitely true. What you fink innit? |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 2:38 PM BST
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Total posts: 3427
First post: 15/2/2006 Last post: 30/9/2009 |
It's a tough one because the limits of "stingyness" are so related to our financial security and income. But, assuming that the person makes unnecessary economies at the expense of behaving nicely (as per your ex), it makes me feel that I'm clearly less important than the £10 he wouldn't spend on a bunch of flowers & some chocs or whatever. And for me in particular, if I knew money was tight, I'd be more than happy with a cheap but personal present (my family bring me teabags & bicarbonate of soda from the UK which costs hardly anything but means a lot to me. I take cheese & coffee back to them. I suppose I'm feeling on the fence on this once because me & OH are trying to cut back expenses at the moment in provision for future projects, despite having no need whatsoever to do so right now. However, this would never prevent me doing anything like buying presents or paying for a meal out etc. I'm sure stingy people are really happy at the moment as they can blame it all on the credit crunch! I'm rambling, but I think that yes, real stingyness points to selfishness and self-centeredness for me. Eg an old friend of mine who conned me out of £1.50 when I was a student with no financial help from my parents and she was a trainee bank manager with a new car... |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 2:46 PM BST
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Total posts: 6855
First post: 4/2/2004 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
Yes, I agree. I told my ex this weekend (an old ex who I'm best mates with) why me and new ex broke up and he said that it's also about wanting to make the other person feel a bit special. He was an especially warm and generous man, my old ex, though, and there's just no way on earth he could ever get anyone being cheap. He was also n incredibly warm and loving character all round too. There's most definitely a connection with selfishness and emotional meanness. |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 3:45 PM BST
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Total posts: 17185
First post: 11/11/2005 Last post: 24/9/2009 |
What's even worse than outright stinginess is where your partner clearly has plenty of money to spend on himself or his mates but won't spend anything on you. My ex was very much like this - spent hundreds on booze and fags and DVDs and new games for his xbox, weekend jollies with his football mates but in 2 years I never managed to get him to come on holiday with me - his excuse was he never had any money. And when his rent cheque bounced because he'd frittered that month's money away and he asked me to pay it, that was the beginning of the end really. I told him to stuff it and he then said that if I didn't pay his rent, he wouldn't be able to buy me a birthday present (this happened a couple of weeks before my b'day). Can you believe it? I finished it not long after that. In a way I find this kind of stinginess worse because someone is saying 'I like spending money - just not on you'. Whereas some people are frugal with their money and simply don't see a reason for spending it unnecessarily. I don't think any of us has a right to tell someone else how to spend their cash. I do know where you're coming from though - it is symptomatic of an attitude that I find difficult to understand. None of us know how long we have got on this earth and it doesn't make sense to me to save all your money for a rainy day when that day might never come and you will have wasted so many opportunities to enjoy yourself! |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 4:01 PM BST
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Total posts: 3099
First post: 21/3/2008 Last post: 20/10/2009 |
Stingyness is an unattractive trait biologically, because women want men who will be generous towards their children's welfare in the future. Not consciously, obviously, as not everyone will have children, but it's a pre-diposed inclination. Also, being very tight with money when it comes to a partner had a strong aura of 'this woman is disposable and not an investment'.. If he sees you as his future, the money won't matter to him. Plus, if a guy is more concerned about having money in his pocket, rather than making you happy (I'm talking about the small day-to-day things here, not diamonds) then you probably would want to reassess how important you are to him. (I once dated a guy who bought me a 50p mug set from a sale for our year anniversay, as he didn't want his bank account to dip below the thousand mark.. We were 17!) Disclaimer: Obviously if a guy is working all hours at minimum wage and has to scrape money together to support himself and his family, the above does not apply. |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 4:44 PM BST
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Total posts: 12944
First post: 29/1/2005 Last post: 10/10/2009 |
I think it's so unattractive as it's saying ' I value money more highly than you or your feelings'. I have a friend like this - I've spoken about her before... she always hangs back in coffee shops and I can't remember the last time she said 'This is on me'. When I was a student and she was working, I'd still be the one offering to pay for stuff (Yes, I'm an idiot), now the roles are reversed... the situation isn't... and it's really, really getting to me. I put some tickets on my credit card over 6 months ago... the concert was on Friday and I emailed her saying 'I don't like asking for money, but.....' - She never replied to the email, but phoned me to ask me where we were meeting on Friday. Throughout the entire concert she never once mentioned the money.. and she still hasn't.... I think if she just said to me 'I'm broke, can I pay you on such and such a date?' it wouldn't be *too* bad.... but the fact she has just totally ignored my email and didn't say anything about it on Friday has rather annoyed me.... I really do think it's basically a kick in the face and suggests the person values cash more than you - and also, if they are mean with their money, are they also going to be mean with their affection? For example, if you went on a date and the bloke ordered a drink for himself and didn't ask me what I wanted, I would assume he was selfish, only out for himself - I am MORE than happy to pay 50% of the time and would have issues if the guy wanted to pay for everything.... but meaness and wanting to pay for everything - neither are attractive... If you want to economise, you can do that, without being mean - for example, rather than taking someone out for a meal, you could cook a meal in your house... cheaper, yet thoughtful. If you want to cut back further and not get someone a present for their birthday, you could make a cake, or write a poem... or *something* that says ' I'm trying to economise, but I *do* care for you', you know? ETA: not all women want kids, so I don't think women want men to be generous in order to provide for their offspring... in this day and age, we should be equal, thus be able to provide for ourselves :-) |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 7:13 PM BST
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Total posts: 4979
First post: 19/1/2006 Last post: 6/8/2009 |
Because it is never just about money, that's why! Misers are also mean with their time, their feelings, everything. Their behaviour says from the get-go that "you don't matter" and "I'm fine with disappointing you".
If not me, then who; |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 6/7/2009 10:28 PM BST
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Total posts: 4979
First post: 19/1/2006 Last post: 6/8/2009 |
A mean person would say "I can't afford it" and that would be end of conversation, whereas a not-mean-but-very-skint one would say "I can't afford to do that/go there but how about we do (something cheaper but just as much fun) instead.
If not me, then who; |
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Re: why is stingyness such an unattractive trait?
posted at 7/7/2009 1:55 AM BST
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Total posts: 288
First post: 17/4/2009 Last post: 8/11/2009 |
Ex-Mr Sav was quite stingy. We earned more or less the same amount, outgoings more or less the same, but I seemed to do more with my money than he did with his! I always budget for weekly shopping, clothes shopping etc, he never did that and would often spend £30 on food shopping, but have nothing to show for it, and regularly spent about £200 when he went clothes shopping, whereas I would limit myself to £50. He lived in his flat for over 8 years, but hadn't had a carpet for about 3/4 years, and when we broke up, he was driving a K-reg Rover! He would ususally say he couldn't afford stuff if I suggested we do something/go somewhere, yet he could find the money for Xbox games, or spending £30-£40 on a night out with his mates. He thought it was funny that a previous girlfriend called him 'parsinmonious' and I was contstantly telling him that being mean was not an attractive trait. Overall, I'm not a gold-digger or materialistic, but that experience has affected me so much that my next b/f will need to splash the cash to impress me! (and then I'll find some other fault, lol!) Savvy Your opinion of me is irrelevant and unimportant. |
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