Forums » Relationships » Relationships » Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
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Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 9/5/2009 9:24 PM BST
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Total posts: 73
First post: 21/3/2008 Last post: 29/10/2009 |
Hi all, I posted a while back basically about my unhappiness with my boyfriend. This came down to the fact he had not committed (engagement/or living together) after 9 years which I really wanted, and him living abroad in Asia for over a year which moved us apart emotionally and of course physically - I wanted to move there with him but couldn't for various work and family reasons). Although not engaged we had discussed being married and had a date in mind, which he then went on to try and delay as we 'couldn't afford it.' He also completely shunned me on our last anniversary, the usual cards/gestures did not materialise - despite my massive efforts. Essentially the spark had gone and he had stopped making me feel special. While this was happening I met a guy through mutual friends, and at first we were friends. I thought he was great looking and great to get on with. He then asked me out, which I couldn't do, still being with my partner. But couldn't get him out of my head and we dated briefly and I split with my then boyfriend and he did all the running and for some crazy reason I wasn't half as enthusiastic, until I got so upset about missing my ex, that I left things and got back with the ex. After trying to make things work with my ex, I couldn't get this other guy out of my head, and then around a month ago I saw him and things happened, and realised I couldn't stay with my ex with the feelings I had for new guy (not sure what else to call him!) I ended things with my ex, and tried to pursue things with new guy, who seemed oblivious to my efforts. I went to see him and told him I had left my ex etc, and then nothing. The day I saw him and told him the situation he told ted me, 'You should enjoy being single.' He then texts a week later saying he needed, 'time to sort his head out,' and again that I should enjoy being single and see what happens in the future, and that he wasn't ready. I felt rejected by this and basically text him again saying if he wasn't ready then he never would be. My ex still wants to give things another go, but I just don't think it would be fair whilst I still have thoughts about this new guy. Essentially when he wanted me (the new guy) I wasn't interested, and now I want him, he isn't interested. I'm single at the moment and feel that my stupid indecisiveness will have ruined everything. I don't know whether to make a real effort with the new guy and apologise for my last text, or go back to the safety of my ex? They are so different, my ex isn't as forthcoming with his feelings, and things in the bedroom department towards the end were non existant which made me feel unwanted. This is the complete opposite to the other guy. I hope this has not baffled anyone too much, it's a complicated story and there are a lot of things I haven't mentioned as I'd need to write a novel! I feel like I've made a real mess of things, and it's all my own fault for not being brave enough to leave my ex in the first place and giving it a go, I just wasn't ready emotionally. Any thoughts would be welcome. M xx |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 9/5/2009 9:34 PM BST
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Total posts: 17185
First post: 11/11/2005 Last post: 24/9/2009 |
It may not be the answer you wanted but the new guy is right - you need to be single for a while and get used to being YOU and not as someone attached to a bloke. Don't get back with your ex - he's not going to commit after 9 years and he's treated you very badly to keep you dangling with false promises of marriage etc. The new guy essentially was the catalyst for getting you out of the stale relationship with your ex so he did have a purpose but if he doesn't want to pursue things with you then you can't change his mind. It sounds as if you need to be in a relationship at all times and that isn't healthy at all. You need to start learning to love and value yourself instead of sticking with a relationship that isn't going anywhere or pursuing a man who has made it clear he doesn't want you. |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 9/5/2009 9:37 PM BST
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Total posts: 15459
First post: 20/1/2005 Last post: 3/11/2009 |
I think after a significant break up it's easy to 'latch on' to someone new, it helps us make the break while not feeling totally alone. However the feelings are usually decieving, no matter how real they feel at the time. |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 10/5/2009 12:30 AM BST
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Total posts: 73
First post: 21/3/2008 Last post: 29/10/2009 |
I think being single for a while is probably a good idea, but I just feel that I've already been single for so long anyway! In the 18 months we were apart I started a new job, made loads of new friends etc, whilst living a practically single life and just talking on the phone. I have known this new guy for 6 months now, and I can't help thinking that there is some form of connection there. Although he has told me to do the single thing, this is a different story to what he has told our mutual friends about how he feels. I think at the very least I will apologise for the text I sent, as it was very unfair, and just leave things there? |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 10/5/2009 7:54 AM BST
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Total posts: 292
First post: 17/4/2009 Last post: 25/11/2009 |
In Response to Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?: I think being single for a while is probably a good idea, but I just feel that I've already been single for so long anyway! In the 18 months we were apart I started a new job, made loads of new friends etc, whilst living a practically single life and just talking on the phone. I have known this new guy for 6 months now, and I can't help thinking that there is some form of connection there. Although he has told me to do the single thing, this is a different story to what he has told our mutual friends about how he feels. I think at the very least I will apologise for the text I sent, as it was very unfair, and just leave things there? Posted by twinkle0108 IMO, you haven't really been single in that 18 months, if you've still been in contact with your ex and/or the new guy. To me, being single means not having any type of r/ship with anyone, be that dates, calls, texts etc. That leaves you mind clear to examine what went 'wrong' in the previous r/ships, and decide what you will/won't tolerate/have in the next r/ship. The new guy sounds as though he's just wants a bit of fun, and it seems to me that you want more than that. I don't really see why you need to apologise for your previous text, unless it's on the pretext of starting a convo with him(?). I always think an ex is an ex for a reason, and if the issues that led to the break-up haven't been resolved, then going back to an ex when these haven't been dealt with then the r/ship isn't going to work. I think you need complete distance between the ex and the new guy before you can make a decision on which direction your life is going to take. Savvy Your opinion of me is irrelevant and unimportant. |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 10/5/2009 12:46 PM BST
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Total posts: 73
First post: 21/3/2008 Last post: 29/10/2009 |
I think maybe the reason I need to text and apologise is that I have essentially gone after the new guy, and when he more or less told me he wasn't ready, I sent him a text that was slightly out of order and uncivil, due my frustration. |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 10/5/2009 2:04 PM BST
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Total posts: 17185
First post: 11/11/2005 Last post: 24/9/2009 |
Maybe he got tired of waiting around for you to be 'ready'? I don't know - he could have just realised that there wasn't much point hanging around when there are other women available. It happened to me once when I was much younger. I was so involved with this one guy who was keeping me hanging on, despite the presence of another bloke who made it clear he wanted to go out with me. By the time I realised nothing was ever going to happen with the first guy, the one who would have gone out with me had met someone else. |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 10/5/2009 2:58 PM BST
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Total posts: 9224
First post: 1/10/2006 Last post: 25/11/2009 |
Hi Twinkle Some men get tired of waiting for people to split up with another person that they just get on with their life. I'm afraid you have to enjoy being single and value yourself to meet the one destined for you.Any mess left behind by previous rellies has to be sorted out before you move forward. Look after yourself as well as this is important. |
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 10/5/2009 4:10 PM BST
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Total posts: 4940
First post: 19/12/2006 Last post: 29/10/2009 |
In reference to your original question - 1. no, you shouldn't be with someone purely because they are comfortable. 2. He doesn't even sound that comfy. 3. You're being a relationship hopper, setting one up before ditching the next and you should know this isn't the right way to go about things and tbh, no one will like you for it (either old guy or new guy), it looks like you just don't want to be alone and any old dude will do.
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Re: Stick with the comfy ex, or take a chance?
posted at 10/5/2009 10:46 PM BST
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Total posts: 6639
First post: 9/11/2003 Last post: 25/9/2009 |
Hi Twinkle, To address the question of your title, I think you should take a chance on life and not settle with your comfy ex. I too have been in a similar position to you where me and ex had come to the end of the road but I felt the struggle between staying with him to try and make it work despite all the issues because that felt 'easier' than leaping into the unknown. In my case, there wasn't another man on the scene but life being single felt like a scary prospect after being in a r'ship. |
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