Hi you scrummy bunch!! 

Some of you are aware of my "Wise words required" post a few weeks ago and the update! I had a few mixed responses, which I appreciated immensely as you took the time to respond.  Thank you.

Anyways.........  Contradictory to my whinging ways about falling in love and having it thrown back in my face, I have always believed that men do not make us happy - we make ourselves happy. Men were not put on this planet to complete us or fill a void.  If we meet a great man, it is simply a bonus to hopefully a generally fullfilled existence.

But on reflection, I realised that I had reacted to something that went completely against the grain.  What I mean is, I have got this total crush on my new man.  We have been together since August 2008 and up until now it was brilliant.  No pressure, no hiccups - just fun, excitement and two people who are enjoying each others company.  Until I decided I was in love and was not getting the same response from him.  In the end, I got quite insecure and eventually plucked up the guts to tell him so.  It got thrown back in my face.  He wasnt aggressive or dismissive in his response. He was angry with himself for not feeling the same way and tried his best to tell me, as gently as he could, that he fears commitment and the thought of marriage totally horrified him. He admitted that the ex-wife experience has jaded him and, until he met me, he believed that all women were potentially bitches.  I understood this as I have had my fair share of undesirable men - and why I put up with their behaviour for as long as I did, I dont know.  (That will have to be something else I will attempt to analyse one day!).

For now, I was so gobsmacked at his response (not loving me back), that I got myself completely out of control emotionally. I cried myself to sleep for about 4 days, I couldnt focus on anything or anyone else (including my children) and I was sooooo angry with him for *leading me on*.  After all, he has been kind, caring, supportive, loving and quite vocal on how he feels early on in the relationship.  And he chased me - so what was I supposed to think?

Well, the bottom line is, I thought like a WOMAN! Not realising that men just don’t think like us.  Yes, they will chase, and when they KNOW they are in love, they will be totally committed - but rules are different. Woman base their emotions on that, emotion.  Men base theirs on logic.  I got myself so wound up and miserable that, rather than drown myself in red wine and ice cream (not supposed to anyway, Im diabetic!!), I got myself Googling! And I found so much information on the "why a man wont commit/why he doesnt love me" syndrome that I taught myself a valuable lesson.  If us women remain a mystery, if we are dynamic in our own lives (own friends, own hobbies, own past-times, independant, strong and undemanding), men actually find that way more attractive than the whinging, whining, clinging, demanding, co-dependant people we can become when things dont go our way, when WE want them too.

You could say that, ah, typical woman, making the allowances, letting HIM call the shots etc but actually yes, thats exactly it.  Men are different to women and the rules are different – no matter how much we kick and stamp our feet, the rules remain the same.

I stepped back and saw myself and how I was behaving - and it wasnt pleasant.  My man has not given me any cause for concern, until I dropped the big COMMITMENT clanger! And, at the time, he ran like the wind.  He is still here but the game plan has changed.in that I need to let this man continue the chase and I need to remain the independant, confident, devil-may-care woman that attracted him in the first place.

You cannot FORCE someone to love you - and playing those whining, emotional blackmail games do not work.  Guilt mongering and tantrums only make the situation worse!

Anyway, already there are positive reactions.  Im not hanging on every word, I dont always respond immediately to his text messages, Im not always home when he rings, I don’t always cling onto his arm when we are out (just the odd little touch as I pass him when we are out with mates, etc).  Ive stopped making him the be all and end all of existence. And through this *step-back*, he is still caring, supportive, affectionate, articulate and even a little excited that Im not making him the be all, etc.

We both have the space we require and I feel so liberated and, in the process, have liberated his fears.   This has all happened in a week.

I read tons of articles online, written mainly by men.  Men who had been players most of their lives and, as they matured, realised just how unhappy lots of women were, when romantic notions grabbed them. And these men gave insights into their psyches and the pain and resentment co-dependancy puts on the female of the species.

I dont know what will happen next week, next month or next year - but by stepping back and not making our relationship the answer to everything - I can live my life without getting myself totally depressed (acting like a petulant child, which I caught myself doing!).  And if things dont work out, for whatever reason, I can hold my head up high saying I remained myself.

Thanks for taking the time to read and all comments welcome J

I'm with Miss Megs on this one, you sound like you have been brainwashed like the stepford wives! Men are all different as are women. MrSlurps2B is the more emotional of the two of us and more romantic and soppy too and he knew he loved me so he proposed when it was right, no silly games, no playing hard to get , i was myself...i didnt sleep with him for a longer time than alot of people manage these days but that was just me and it worked for us. True love doesn't have to hurt  and it doesn't have to be all ups and downs and drama and tears and rows...and as for mystery, try that when you live together.

You are playing a kind of game with him whether you realise it or not. You say'' if it takes him longer to know he loves you so be it''...after a yeat nearly ,he either does or doesnt.

 

Brewster & Holly