If its not one thing its another!
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If its not one thing its another!
posted at 5/7/2009 12:56 PM BST
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Total posts: 31
First post: 7/10/2008 Last post: 27/11/2009 |
Havent been around for a while, but need some advice on a situation that has unfolded with my new bf. Our relationship is a month old and he had just told me that he was sentenced to manslaughter a few years ago, he has served the sentence and it was at least 6 years ago but he felt he should tell me. It was a fight and the other guy died after hitting his head. He was nearly crying as he told me, I really pushed him for the info as he kept putting it off yet saying he had to tell me.something, I just didnt expect it to be something like that. I feel awful for pushing him, I know I needed to know but I could see he was genuinely moved to have committed the crime. He has moved on now and I dont want to hold this against him. I just dont know how to really feel. He is the gentlest person I know, everything has been perfect and I really am falling for him. I just feel a bit -weird- about it.
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Re: If its not one thing its another!
posted at 5/7/2009 4:22 PM BST
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Total posts: 5471
First post: 22/5/2006 Last post: 26/11/2009 |
I guess it depends on whether he is genuinely remorseful for the actual crime and what he did to another person, rather than just being sorry for getting caught and having to do time, having it on his 'record', etc. And whether he would be likely to ever get in a fight again. Sorry - what do you mean by 'genuinely moved to have committed the crime'? Do you mean genuinely moved by committing it? Or committed it genuinely through self-defence? I dunno - for me it would be a deal-breaker, simply because I have zero tolerance for men who fight full stop (let alone to the extent of killing someone), so unless he was attacked from behind, and spun round and accidentally knocked his attacker to ground where the fall hit his head and killed him, there would be a massive question mark over both him and the future of the rellie. Whether that's fair or not, I don't know - but it's how I"d feel.
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Re: If its not one thing its another!
posted at 5/7/2009 4:47 PM BST
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Total posts: 2422
First post: 1/4/2005 Last post: 27/11/2009 |
I kind of agree with Ziggurat. Its a tough call. Im not sure I could be with someone knowing that they committed a crime to that extent. Somebody actually died as a result of his actions... I dunno. Im all for believing things should be left in the past but this one really gets me.
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Re: If its not one thing its another!
posted at 5/7/2009 7:24 PM BST
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Total posts: 10614
First post: 19/11/2006 Last post: 18/11/2009 |
In Response to Re: If its not one thing its another!: i'm not sure i could be with someone knowing they'd killed another human being through an act of aggression. Posted by ceammi Many many years ago my friend killed a man in the same way :( Thing is the man that died had attacked my friend outside of a chip shop, he was kicking and beating my friend and my friend pushed him away that's all, the man was so drunk he slipped and fell hitting his head on the kerb and unfortunately died :( My friend has to live with this ever day of his life, he went to prison for a few months and the only act of aggression he did was to push the man away. He is now 20 years on a shell of a man and scared of his own shadow, , he wont even go to a chip shop he stays in the car whilst his wife goes in and he doesn't drink at all :( I think maybe you need to know what the real circumstances were and if it was self defence or he caused it before you decide TBH, I think if there was aggression from him then I would have to seriously think about the relationship. xx |
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Re: If its not one thing its another!
posted at 5/7/2009 8:01 PM BST
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Total posts: 8433
First post: 10/11/2005 Last post: 22/7/2009 |
I think maybe you need to know what the real circumstances were and if it was self defence or he caused it before you decide TBH, I think if there was aggression from him then I would have to seriously think about the relationship. xx Posted by kwills I agree with kwills, until you know the full circumstances it's difficult to say. I couldn't be with a man who fights and this would probably be a deal breaker for me. However, in circumstances like kwills describes I do feel that's different and I would feel differently about that. I'd need more details. |
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Re: If its not one thing its another!
posted at 5/7/2009 8:27 PM BST
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Total posts: 31
First post: 7/10/2008 Last post: 27/11/2009 |
Kwills sorry to hear about yoru friends experience. He told me quite a lot of detail, it was pretty similar. The guy was one of his best friends, he robbed his parents house and disappeared. When he saw him a year or so after, he admitted to doing it, they argued and the other guy threw the first punch, he punched back and the guy fell. I guess thats what kind of got to me. The violence but at the same time the self defence. He served his time and has never been in any trouble since. I cant believe iv found someone I connect with so well for his past to be so tainted. Ziggurat I meant that he was genuinely moved when he was telling me, he couldnt believe it had even happened and was very remorseful and said he regrets it every single day. He grew up with this guy as his best friend, like a brother with his family. He was attacked when he was released from prison, but has since just tried to move forward having learnt the lesson of being involved in a fight. I genuinely could see a future with him. :-(
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Re: If its not one thing its another!
posted at 6/7/2009 8:34 AM BST
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Total posts: 2422
First post: 1/4/2005 Last post: 27/11/2009 |
Im still not sure about it. You need to weigh up what you can personally tolerate, for me it would really depend upon the guy and just how much he has changed his life. Have you spoken to him since about it? You need to be clear that this is all in his past, never to be part of the future. |
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Re: If its not one thing its another!
posted at 6/7/2009 1:51 PM BST
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Total posts: 202
First post: 18/3/2009 Last post: 11/11/2009 |
Ooh this is a tricky one, it must be very hard for you. This relationship is still in its early stages - can you give it some time, take it slowly and see how you feel? Whilst being entirely honest with him that you needed some time to see how things develop as it is obviously a very big thing to have happened? I believe that people commit a crime and that we as a nation place our faith in a justice system (I'm not saying that it is always right) to punish them. Therefore in my eyes he has served his time and paid the price for his actions - he also has to live with what happened every day. I think I could get over this... although it would depend massively on the circumstances and a general 'gut feeling' on whether he seemed genuinely sorry / remorseful. Having said that, it is one of the hardest decisions that I could imagine myself having to make in a relationship. I think you have to go with the decision that you feel deep down. BTW I think it is very admirable that he told you about this so early on; it must have been hard for him to pick a right moment. Better to know about it and be upfront from the start than find out later on - he has given you the option to cut and run if you want... and I think that is pretty considerate, it also suggests that he takes this seriously and realises what a massive thing it would be to most people embarking on a relationship with him.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
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