Husband cheated - and more!
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Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 9/11/2009 11:05 PM GMT
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Total posts: 10
First post: 9/11/2009 Last post: 14/11/2009 |
I found out by accident that my husband had been carrying on email relationships with several women (five!)- varying from emotional attachment in one case to "pornographic" in content in the other four. He was also sharing every little detail of his life with these women - things I thought he only told ME. In addition, he met up with one of them and they had sex. He is adamant that it was only once. I always trusted him implicitly and NEVER checked up on him. I feel betrayed now in so many ways. He now tells me he has ceased contact with these women and that he will never do anything like this again - etc etc etc. He says he is sorry beyond words and now realises what an idiot he was, that he doesnt want to lose me and so on. I want to believe him as I dont want to split up - as he had always been a pretty good husband and we get on very well, I just dont really know how to process all of this and I dont want my family to know. I feel like he has got away with this - no one knows and although he is genuinely repentant, it doesnt seem fair...plus the MORNING before I found out, he was saying he wanted to start a family! The CHEEK! In addition the woman he slept with knew fully he was married - I even met her once, several years ago, so she even knew ME! It doesnt seem fair that she gets away scot free either...can I send a kissogram to her office with a message to stay away from my husband??? Or is that too childish?? I dont want revenge...I want her to feel ashamed and guilty..publicly.... Hmmm......any pointers???? |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 9/11/2009 11:54 PM GMT
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Total posts: 6
First post: 9/11/2009 Last post: 11/11/2009 |
Hey, So sorry to hear all this. How horrible. But please don't send a kissogram. Ít's the kind of thing I'd want to do in the heat of the moment, but it will only give her and your husband ammunition, some weird moral high ground. He's hurt you enough, the thing you can do for yourself is be dignified in the face of their horrible behaviour. You need to move out for a while, go and stay with a friend or a family member, or even, as I have done, in a cheap hotel! It will give you time to think, be kind to yourself etc. You deserve better. Big email hug.x |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 1:16 PM GMT
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Total posts: 1354
First post: 12/8/2007 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
Hi longponytail - it's been a long time since I was almost stumped for words, but you siutation has left me aghast. 5 different women? And you want to stay with him? What on earth for???? Really, that's a genuine question...I simply don't understand.  He has not been "a pretty good husband" at all - he has been intimate with FIVE other women. Christ, if that's a pretty good husband, I'd like to know what you would class as a shabby one?! Again, genuine question? I'm puzzled that your anger is focused on the woman he slept with.... HE is the one that is married to YOU and shagged her anyway. Get angry with the person that has really betrayed you here - your husband. Why do you want her to feel "ashamed and guilty..publicly" and not him? xx "and that's all i have to say about that..." |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 1:21 PM GMT
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Total posts: 2407
First post: 1/4/2005 Last post: 19/11/2009 |
In Response to Re: Husband cheated - and more!: Hi longponytail - it's been a long time since I was almost stumped for words, but you siutation has left me aghast. 5 different women? And you want to stay with him? What on earth for???? Really, that's a genuine question...I simply don't understand. He has not been "a pretty good husband " at all - he has been intimate with FIVE other women. Christ, if that's a pretty good husband, I'd like to know what you would class as a shabby one?! Again, genuine question? I'm puzzled that your anger is focused on the woman he slept with.... HE is the one that is married to YOU and shagged her anyway. Get angry with the person that has really betrayed you here - your husband. Why do you want her to feel "ashamed and guilty..publicly" and not him? xx Posted by satsumakitten Ditto. Your anger isnt completely misplaced but why on earth isnt he being punished. All the words in the world mean nothing without some sort of action. He sounds by no means like a 'pretty good husband.' Sorry but being emotionally involved with one woman is bad enough let alone 5! |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 1:38 PM GMT
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Total posts: 94
First post: 14/12/2008 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This must be hell for you. I agree with the other baggers that your anger is a bit misplaced, but understand completely why you would want some revenge on her. That said, it's not necessarilly going to help your position. I agree you need you own space for a while, but why should you be the one to move out, kick his sorry ass out. As the poem goes, if a man really loves you, nothing can keep him away. He needs to SHOW you how sorry he is.
Lilly xxx
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 3:51 PM GMT
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Total posts: 6855
First post: 4/2/2004 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
I'm gobsmacked. How old is he, 12? Why do you want to be with someone who has pissed about behind your back and had sex with other women? He won't do it again and he's sorry? What if you hadn't found out? What do you think he'd be feeling then? He's sorry you found out, not that he's been revolting, more like. I'm speechless, sorry. I have no idea what to suggest, because if he can do what he's done and only be sorry once you've found out, then I wouldn't trust him to clean my car, let alone have a relationship with me. He sounds like a clown. |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 3:56 PM GMT
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Total posts: 10
First post: 9/11/2009 Last post: 14/11/2009 |
I know it must seem that I am being soft - and maybe I am (which surprises ME as I am normally pretty fiery). I dont know HOW to punish him - believe me, I have thought about telling all his friends and putting it on facebook etc - but I feel so humiliated by what he did that I dont want anyone to know.... Two of the women were kind of in on it together - the one he slept with plus her friend. They'd send lewd emails with accompanying photos. I have plenty of words to describe what I think about them!!!! As for moving out - well, he works abroad for months at a time so we arent together at the moment anway..which is a good thing. And as for being a good husband - well he WAS! Till I found out about all this. He says it only started this year - January time. He was always very supportive and a very good communicator. I do see satsumakittens point though! How it must look from the outside... I just think if I left I'd be back to square one and given that he was the LAST person I thought would cheat, must mean that most men cheat!! I dont really know what to do. But am am aware that I am being too soft.... I wouldnt say I am afraid of being alone but I certainly need some support - like I said I dont want to confide in my family as a) its humiliating and b) if we do patch things up they will never look at him the same way again (with good reason I know). |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 4:11 PM GMT
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Total posts: 6855
First post: 4/2/2004 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
In Response to Re: Husband cheated - and more!: And as for being a good husband - well he WAS! Till I found out about all this. He says it only started this year - January time. Well, he wasn't, it's just that you didn't know about it. You can go out waving a flag with 'My husband is a cheat' on it, but it won't change what has happened. And as awful as the women are who he did the dirty with, it's your husband who you are concerned with, surely? And, as for being alone, well, isn't that better than having an arsewipe who would happily shag about behind your back? And, just because you didn't see the signs that your husband was putting it about, doesn't mean that most men cheat. That doesn't make any sense. Do ost women cheat as well do you think, based on what yo know about the women he cheated with. have you cheated? is it fair to judge all men and all women based ona few low lifes you've encountered? If it's ok with you to share a life with someone who wilingly deceives you and betrays your trust, then that's up to you. I'd be very unlikely to even talk to the turd again. |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 5:10 PM GMT
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Total posts: 1354
First post: 12/8/2007 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
can I ask how you found out pony? did he find these women through adult wesites? Two women sending lewd photos together sounds strange to me... Do you believe that he only started this nonsense in January? I feel confused that you predominantly want to punish him, not leave him. Its your relationship, your decision and your choice but FIVE WOMEN?????? Come on... what do you think he would say to you if the situation was reversed and it was you who had been unfaithful in such a determined, calculating, pre meditated way? Would he be as accomodating as you appear to be? Marraiges shoud never be left lightly but I'm certain part of the deal is "forsaking all others"... not shagging birds off the internet. Some of the comments on here may come across as harsh, and your right and it is an outsider's black and white point of view. Or a reality check, depending on how you want to take it. Really hope that you are ok xx "and that's all i have to say about that..." |
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Re: Husband cheated - and more!
posted at 10/11/2009 5:12 PM GMT
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Total posts: 1354
First post: 12/8/2007 Last post: 20/11/2009 |
In Response to Re: Husband cheated - and more!: He needs to SHOW you how sorry he is. I would require him to write a detailed email to each of the women setting out why and how he set about these relationships with them in the first place and just how and why he now knows that he was wrong to do it. He should also let them know that you are aware of each and every one of them and the content of their emails back to him, some of them may have husbands/boyfriends and this will scare them if they know there is someone out there who could drop them in it. Also he should let them know that they were not the only one he was in contact with, the one he slept with probably thought she was special, she might not think so if she knew of the pornographic content of emails with four others. None of them will touch him with a barge pole again!! If he is truly sorry, and truly knows he was in the wrong, he should be prepared to admit that to all involved, and be prepared to move out to give you space to make YOUR decision.Posted by Lilly73 This. At the very least. "and that's all i have to say about that..." |
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