Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
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Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
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Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 8:31 AM BST
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Total posts: 98
First post: 24/4/2008 Last post: 12/7/2009 |
I'm sorry, this is going to be a long story - I hope someone might have the time to read through and tell me what they think about the whole thing. Impartial opinions are very much needed right now. I know the cardinal rule is that you don't pick a man over a friend, but the situation is a little more complicated than that :( My best friend and I met this guy Rob. He's a friend of a mutual friend. We both liked him straight away, but while she's very open about her feelings I'm very secretive. She talked a fair bit about how she fancied him, but I kept quiet about my feelings. I thought there was no way he was into me anyway, and I didn't want to cause drama between us over nothing (ha!). I tried to be supportive, repressing my feelings and encouraging hers. Technically she met him before I did and she announced her feelings for him before I acknowledged mine to anyone, so it felt like she had the prior claim - that sounds stupid, I know. One night a group of us were out together. She and Rob went to the bar and did lots of shots together. She thought 'what the hell' and kissed him. After that they held hands for a little bit (I wasn't there but this is how she described it to me). The next time we saw him, someone brought that incident up. It was awkward (of course), he kind of laughed it off and changed the subject. Nothing has happened between them since then and he's made no advances - she would definitely have told me if it had. Because of all this it seemed to me that he wasn't interested in her. She didn't talk about him much, I knew she still found him attractive but I assumed (wrongly) that she would have taken his lack of response to her to mean he wasn't interested. On a later night out, I sat with him and a few others and talked to him for quite a while. Just talking, nothing more. Later that night (and after some drinks) she got very upset and cried on my shoulder, saying someone like Rob would never like her when there's someone 'better' like me there (bollocks, obviously). She is very sensitive, easily upset and has low self-confidence with men. That was about six weeks ago. This weekend, I spent a few days camping with rob and our mutual friend. Spending so much time together, I suppose we bonded more. My feelings for him were very much still there, but I still thought they were unrequited. Then, one night we had admittedly had quite a few drinks and ended up kissing. The next day I asked him if it was just drunken impulsiveness. He said no, he likes me and wants to see me for a date. Obviously it was fantastic to discover that he liked me, but I was really worried about how my friend would react and if I'd betrayed her. I was in tears over it more than once. Last night I told her - we got back from camping on monday and I wanted to do the right thing and be honest with her straight away, to assess the situation. The last thing I would ever want to do is go behind her back or keep anything from her. Anyway, long story short, she hates me now. She hung up on me almost straight away and sent me a text later on saying it made her feel sick, I had stuck the boot in, I should do what I want because I obviously don't care, etc. This is the very last thing I wanted to happen, she means so much to me and the idea that I have hurt her and/or made her self-esteem issues worse is killing me. The friends I've discussed it with have both said that although it's a painful situation I haven't done anything strictly wrong: he's a free agent, it's not like she had an actual relationship with him, just a drunken kiss, and I have as much right to like him as she does. But I feel like those friends are just saying what I want to hear, so I really want opinions from impartial outsiders. I feel like the right thing to do is to tell him I don't want to see him and to salvage the friendship - but then it doesn't seem fair. Why should I have to sacrifice a chance at happiness just because she is upset than he didn't pick her? Of course she would be angry with me at first, but as a best friend shouldn't she eventually come to accept that he likes me and she wants me to be happy? I'd like to think that's what I would come to in her situation. Or am I just being incredibly selfish? And did I commit a massive crime by kissing him? It definitely wasn't the best way to deal with the situation, but I can't decide if I'm just a girl with bad judgment or the worst friend in the world. What the hell should I do?? I really like this guy, more than I've liked anyone for a very long time. Thanks so much for responses if anyone actually manages to get through all that. |
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 8:40 AM BST
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Total posts: 23889
First post: 21/6/2005 Last post: 14/8/2009 |
hmm, kissing him probably wasnt the greatest way to deal with this. I dunno its a hard one. On one hand i'd probably feel miffed that my friend did this to me. On the otherhand, he doesn't belong to her, you're all free and single, he'd promised her nothing (so far as we know), and really she should be more mature. |
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 8:56 AM BST
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Total posts: 384
First post: 24/3/2009 Last post: 29/10/2009 |
Personally I think shes being quite childish. 6 weeks had past between her and him kissing, if a relationship was going to happen it would have done so during that time. She sounds jealous in all honesty, which is understandable but shes not really a friend if she puts this between you. I would have perhaps approached this differently than you. I would have let her know I had feelings for Rob and that he had feelings for me before letting it get any further.This may have at least prepared her, and you could have eased her into the idea of you getting together more gently. Whats done is done though, hopefully she will come around.
Mountains rise and fall, and under them the Turtle swims onward.
Men live and die, and the Turtle Moves. Empires grow and crumble, and the Turtle Moves. Gods come and go, and still the Turtle Moves. The Turtle Moves. - Terry Pratchett "Small Gods" |
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 9:00 AM BST
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Total posts: 4609
First post: 3/3/2005 Last post: 23/10/2009 |
Same thing happened me in Uni and being young and stupid I let a guy who my friend fancied like mad but he didn't like her, kiss me. I felt bad and told her before she found out from anyone else. We then started to see eachother. End of story? Big mistake, he wasn't worth it and I lost a good friend over putting myself and my wants before our friendship. Technically what you did wasn't wrong but looking at it from your and my friends point of view, it's hard to like/trust a mate who would do that to you. |
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 9:02 AM BST
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Total posts: 30784
First post: 18/3/2003 Last post: 8/11/2009 |
This is a tough one and quite similar to another thread on this board right now! I tend to agree with Megs. I wouldn't have gone for Rob without explaining the situation to my friend first and checking she could accept it. Men come and go, but friends are there for life. I'd never put a man ahead of a friend - they're never going to be worth it. By this, I mean, if she's upset, and she's a good friend, worth holding onto, I wouldn't pursue anything with Rob, to be frank. It may be difficult to hold onto a friendship with her and a relationship with him. You're right, she had no 'claim' to him, but a bit of consideration for her feelings might have helped. And if he didn't like her, why did he kiss her? Sounds a bit of a player to me! Anyway perhaps you could write her a letter explaining how you were feeling and how sorry you are? I don't think you should have to forego a potential relationship for her sake as you didn't do anything wrong - but I can understand her upset. |
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 9:02 AM BST
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Total posts: 17185
First post: 11/11/2005 Last post: 24/9/2009 |
Tough one. I'm not a big fan of all these unwritten female friend rules where you don't go after a bloke your mate fancies etc. etc. but I can understand why she feels a bit miffed. She's probably just upset at realising that he definitely isn't interested in her but is clearly interested in you! It depends how much you value her friendship but to be honest, if she can't be happy for you that you've got together with someone you like then she isn't much of a friend because she's clearly only thinking of her own feelings. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person even if it hurts. |
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 9:07 AM BST
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Total posts: 61
First post: 12/5/2009 Last post: 14/7/2009 |
Oh dear! The alcohol demon. The demon that enjoys using loins and lips and not the brain! If you hadnt had a drink, potentially you would have thought about your friend first and discussed it with her - maybe? You admit you never opened up to her saying you had the same feelings, so she went right ahead and did what came naturally. It fell apart for her and then you stepped in. Of course she is angry, because you didnt say anything to her until the deed was done with Rob. Put Rob aside for a while and try to communicate with your friend - its very early days for you and Rob, but your friend is your friend and you both need to talk this through. If Rob likes you and you like him, then she has to understand that but you also have to think about it from her point of view - she knew nothing until the deed was done with you and Rob!! It feels like deceipt to her because, as you say, you *encouraged* her relationship with Rob and simply didnt tell her how you were actually feeling.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 9:10 AM BST
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Total posts: 30784
First post: 18/3/2003 Last post: 8/11/2009 |
In Response to Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?: It feels like deceipt to her because, as you say, you *encouraged* her relationship with Rob and simply didnt tell her how you were actually feeling. Posted by Sigourney This is true! But at the same time i empathise with the OP. If a friend of mine liked a bloke, and I did too, I would encourage her to be with him, and keep schtum. In a way, it's putting her happiness ahead of yours. Perhaps this is what the OP was doing too, by assuming Rob would be interested in her friend? |
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Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?
posted at 1/7/2009 9:15 AM BST
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Total posts: 61
First post: 12/5/2009 Last post: 14/7/2009 |
In Response to Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do?: In Response to Re: Fight with best friend over man - what's the right thing to do? : This is true! But at the same time i empathise with the OP. If a friend of mine liked a bloke, and I did too, I would encourage her to be with him, and keep schtum. In a way, it's putting her happiness ahead of yours. Perhaps this is what the OP was doing too, by assuming Rob would be interested in her friend? Posted by Lily yes, I agree - but certainly a lack of communication between the two friends has caused this mess, yes?
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
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