Dealing with a drunk incident
False
Forums » Relationships » Relationships » Dealing with a drunk incident
|
Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 9:38 AM BST
|
Total posts: 11
First post: 29/6/2009 Last post: 29/6/2009 |
I have been with my guy for about 7 months now, and the relationship has been a revelation. He is kind, caring, generous, thoughtful and great in bed! He loves doing new things, is creative, and up until 2 days ago utterly trustworthy. Any texts from old gfs I get told about, not because I asked but just because he likes to keep me in the loop. If he has a night out on his own he calls me at least 3/4 times, just telling me how the night is going and where he is etc. Again, of his own volition. He asked me to move in with him, has been all about commitment and is uber enthusiastic about me meeting family and friends, and also meeting mine. In a nutshell, a dream. So he had an old friend of his down to stay with her male friend. This female friend (we'll call her Louise), is a bit bi as am I so I think he was always very playfully talking about things happening. I'm young and sexually adventurous as well so I was kind of saying 'we'll see what happens!' but not making any solid promises. We'd chatted about it before as we like doing things to keep the sex exciting, so it wasn't out of the blue. The night out is fun, we all drink A LOT, I make out with her on the dance floor much to the boys glee. Once we get back to the house we drink more, play spin the bottle, it's all fun and games. It's starting to get late, and Louise comes up to our room to get her bags. My bf is trying to convince her to stay in our room, which I'm not against but she seemed to wanted to sleep with the male friend she bought up, and I didn't want to pressure her. So she goes downstairs leaving me and my bf getting ready for bed. He suddenly says he'll 'be right back' and runs downstairs. I go down after him after he doesn't come back up for a couple of minutes, to hear them talking in the bathroom with the door closed (not locked). He says 'if you'd come upstairs with me to our room you'd make me the happiness man in the world' and then silence. Mortified I knock on the door and after a second he opens it and they both look at me. I run upstairs in tears and he follows me. He spends the next two hours crying like I've never seen him before, saying that he did kiss her and he can't believe how stupid he was and that he wishes he'd never done it. How he saw his future with me and hated himself for risking it, that he had no feelings for her he was just horny from all the build up. Of course I could write pages about all the things he said, but after an hour or so I said I just needed to be away from him, so spent the day at my friend's place and he went over to his mates house. I came home after the end of the day and although we've not had sex or anything we talked and slept in the same bed. We haven't split up but I'm really struggling to come to terms with it. Maybe if it had been a bad relationship and I'd been expecting something to happen it would be easier, but he's been such a doll and we've been so loved up it was totally out of the blue. My question is, is that was I expecting too much of him not to make a mistake? Am I partially to blame for it because I was kind of encouraging the sexual activity? Is the fact we had had about a litre of vodka each an explanation or an excuse? It's so raw I'm still replaying the moment in my head, and of course my trust in him has been severely bruised, although to his credit he could have lied and said he never kissed her. He knows all this, and says he expects to be making it up to me for as long as it takes. My gut feeling is that this is something worth trying to get over, but I guess I'd like to know if anyone out there is thinking this situation screams something else. I don't want to come over as a pushover. Thank you in advance for replies, and for reading this epic novel! xxx |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 9:49 AM BST
|
Total posts: 61
First post: 12/5/2009 Last post: 14/7/2009 |
How young are you both? My boyfriend who I was with for 20 years (married for the last 10 before divorce) were around 18 - 22 and into drinking and experiementing sexually with other people. But only when drunk! And on hindsight, although exciting at the time, sometimes it was scary because I didnt always want to go there. Youve discussed your potential bi-sexuality with him and its got him excited. You havent set boundaries. I could be wrong here but its possible you have implied you were up for it before so he took what he felt was an opportunity. After catching him out, you talked it through when still drunk, early hours of the morning and with raw emotions. It would be good to set aside some time when you wont be disturbed and discuss it again, in the sober light of day. There is nothing wrong with experimentation but only if you are BOTH willing. You need to make it clear it has to be mutually based and on both your terms. YOU have to make sure that YOU are absolutely clear you want to go down that road. If there is any doubt, dont do it - it will rip you both apart! Getting blotto isnt good for anyone at anytime!
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
|
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 9:57 AM BST
|
Total posts: 72
First post: 15/6/2009 Last post: 29/8/2009 |
I'd say (and keep in mind I'm not very good at any of this) But He probably is honestly sorry, guys always have this deep wish to be in between two girls, and you (not trying to place any blame) gave him an opening, which while drunk he followed. And now he feels totaly stupid! sit down and talk about it whilst sober, and just explain that although you don't really mind talking about it, you;ve kind of discovered your limit is actually acting on that particular fantasy. Hope everything turns out well, he sounds wonderfull ;) |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 9:59 AM BST
|
Total posts: 4159
First post: 27/6/2005 Last post: 23/11/2009 |
So it was OK for you to make out with her but not him??
Jeremy Osborne: Stop pissing on my bonfire. Mark Corrigan: There is no bonfire! Jeremy Osborne: That's because you keep pissing on it! I hate the new bag !! |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 10:01 AM BST
|
Total posts: 1166
First post: 28/1/2008 Last post: 30/7/2009 |
Hmm... You might get a totally different response from everyone else, but here goes. I think it was a mistake, and one that was easy to make. You had kissed this girl, and there was talk of there being a threesome. So she left the bedroom, and he chased after her thinking he could probably still make his fantasy happen if he persuaded her to come up and join you both. While persuading, he kissed her. Then he saw you, and realised that everything else aside, he had just kissed another girl without your permission or knowledge... which was wrong. Is that what happened? Boundaries were rather vague that night by the sounds of things. I mean, you told him yourself that you are bisexual, and it was okay for you to kiss another girl. I'm not pointing fingers here, but it does sound like things got rather confused and sexually charged, and the alcohol didn't help matters either. I think you need to discuss boundaries, decide what's fair for both of you and what to do if this sort of situation comes up again. But I don't think it's worth breaking up over. |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 10:04 AM BST
|
Total posts: 17185
First post: 11/11/2005 Last post: 24/9/2009 |
Sigourney is right - sit down when you are sober and discuss your boundaries. He obviously thought you were well up for it and saw an opportunity. Given that you got off with her on the dancefloor, I don't think you can entirely take the moral high ground on this. Perhaps you can agree that in future, if such an 'opportunity' arises again, it only goes ahead if both of you categorically state 'I want to do this'. And there is no pressure from either of you to say yes if it's not what you want. |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 10:05 AM BST
|
|
Total posts: 11
First post: 29/6/2009 Last post: 29/6/2009 |
In Response to Re: Dealing with a drunk incident: How young are you both? My boyfriend who I was with for 20 years (married for the last 10 before divorce) were around 18 - 22 and into drinking and experiementing sexually with other people. But only when drunk! And on hindsight, although exciting at the time, sometimes it was scary because I didnt always want to go there. Youve discussed your potential bi-sexuality with him and its got him excited. You havent set boundaries. I could be wrong here but its possible you have implied you were up for it before so he took what he felt was an opportunity. You talked it through when still drunk, early hours of the morning and with raw emotions. It would be good to set aside some time when you wont be disturbed and discuss it again, in the sober light of day. There is nothing wrong with experimentation but only if you are BOTH willing. You need to make it clear it has to be mutually based and on both your terms. Getting blotto isnt good for anyone at anytime! Posted by Sigourney We are both 23, and yes I had clearly been making out like I was up for it! What upset me is that he kissed her when I wasn't there, taking the step to close the bathroom door which makes me think it was somewhat premeditated. Whilst sex together is shared this was something I was separate from so I do feel cheated on, whatever boundaries there are to a threesome I'm sure that you're all present at the time is taken as red! We are going to talk again tonight, thank you for your opinions. I just want to make sure I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill, or making too light of something serious! I just wish I knew how long it will take before things are normal again, because they were so perfect before and now there's this blight on the relationship I wasn't expecting to have to deal with. Is it too idealistic to have thought something like this wouldn't have happened? |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 10:10 AM BST
|
Total posts: 386
First post: 24/3/2009 Last post: 10/11/2009 |
Being sexual adventurous and exciting is all very well and good and can mean you have a great time but...there has to be some boundaries. some discussion involved as to whats allowed and whats not allowed. Bringing a third person into a relationship, unless both partners are extremely secure will always create problems. How would you have really felt watching him kissing/touching this girl in front of you?
Mountains rise and fall, and under them the Turtle swims onward.
Men live and die, and the Turtle Moves. Empires grow and crumble, and the Turtle Moves. Gods come and go, and still the Turtle Moves. The Turtle Moves. - Terry Pratchett "Small Gods" |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 10:12 AM BST
|
|
Total posts: 11
First post: 29/6/2009 Last post: 29/6/2009 |
In response to the hypocrisy I think I somewhat displayed, when we kissed on the dancefloor and playing spin the bottle we were ALL there. When he kissed her in the bathroom he was under the impression I was upstairs, and he'd closed the bathroom door. Light of day discussion is definitely needed, I guess just right now whilst he's at work I need to get some balanced opinions so I know that I'm not just reacting too quickly. Thank you so much everyone so far, I really do know that it wasn't a normal situation hence not just going 'omg you bastard' and dumping him. It was very confusing and I do realise that tempting a man with a threesome is asking for trouble! I guess I just didn't expect him to do anything when I wasn't there. He is lovely, and I do believe he's sorry, I just am finding it hard to think about anything else right now and I needed to talk to people that weren't biased so I was just sitting and stirring in my own emotions! |
|
|
Re: Dealing with a drunk incident
posted at 29/6/2009 10:15 AM BST
|
Total posts: 12944
First post: 29/1/2005 Last post: 10/10/2009 |
In Response to Re: Dealing with a drunk incident: So it was OK for you to make out with her but not him?? Posted by Dorkgirl I actually have to say I agree with Dorky. Would you be OK with him snogging loads of men? or even another man? if not... I don't see why it's OK for you to kiss other people, regardless of whether they are men or women and he can't do the same. Also, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh... but I do think you were quite niave in how you reacted - if you want to have a 3some, then great... but if you do have one, he'll be doing an awful lot more than kissing her and if you can't cope with that, then you shouldn't act in that way around your female friend. To clairfy - I think the idea of a 3some is fantastic... it's different and it's something I would love to try - in my head. In reality there is no way ON EARTH I would want another woman touching my boyfriend and I am 99.9% sure the second another woman kisses my partner, I would want to rip her head off - thus it will stay a fantasy we talk about.. and we BOTH know that's what it is.. it will never come to fruition. I do appreciate that him kissing her whilst you weren't in the room wasn't very nice and I can understand why you'd be upset - I would be upset as well, but as others have said.. you hadn't necessarily discussed boundries and therefore I would cut him a lot of slack. Poor guy might be terrified the next time you suggest anything out of the ordinary as he might do something 'wrong' again and then you'd get upset again.. so if you do want to explore the idea of the 3some, then it might be worth discussing all boundries before hand so you are both happy and comfortable. Also - It is possible to keep the sex 'fresh' and NOT involve other people ;-) |
Forums » Relationships » Relationships » Dealing with a drunk incident
Forums
Who's online?
amymcilwraith | CharJane | dan_cleeve | doitagain | hazyjo | knees | kwills | llama999 | mn.nicolson | SB deux | staryellow | Strudel | summer princess | tepidity_sue | THEREALDEAL | wau wau sister
We have 572434 discussion board members
In total there are 462 active users online, 16 members and 446 guests
Promotions