A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
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A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 4:31 PM BST
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Total posts: 25442
First post: 29/6/2006 Last post: 7/11/2009 |
Hi Ya'll Okay, basically I live with a girl who has a boyfriend. He lives kinda nearish and lives in a flat with another girl. Apparently my flatmate Betty (I'll call her that for now) cant stay at his flat or even go round there to spend time for some reason so she is either in the flat or he and her are both here together. Now I don't mind having peoples boyfriends around every so often but I do expect time to be shared, so some nights there, some here. She says she cant stay there so instead he is here when they see each other, or more recently they occassionally goto her folks for the weekend. Now my problem is we get on well and I really like her but at one point he was 'popping' in every single bloody evening or day and spending the whole weekend, every weekend here. Also they go running at 10pm at night on weekdays then get home (waking me up) then make dinner (keeps me awake) at about 11pm. (he even comes in at 11pm, stays for an hour then leaves - which wakes me again, why not go home!) Ive told her it felt like he was living here, always coming by, never knowing when he would be there. Yes they stay in her room but he's still around and if i want to look crap and wear no bra i shouldnt have to worry everyday about him being there. Anyway, so the last few weeks she's been really good (i think he's been away during the week) but he ended up staying over Thursday, Friday they went to her mums Saturday, he stayed Sunday and now I think he's staying again tonight. is it just me or is that taking the piss? Cant he go home or can't she just goto his? She ended up emailing me today saying that he had her keys and as she might be back late, if he gets there before her then she told him to let himself in!!!! What the f***?! I dont want to turn up at home and he's there alone, let himself in When i had a boyfriend he stayed ONCE a week so not to upset my flatmate even though she didnt care. I never left him at the flat alone unless i went to corner shop and i never gave him the keys! I also believe he let himself out of our flat at about 11am this morning with her keys. Im not happy about it TBH but i feel like everytime i say something she gets the hump and pissed off at me. Seriously how can she think any of this is okay? They came back at 11.30pm last night and made dinner then banged a draw, to try and shut it, about 30 effing times. That wall of kitchen cupboards backs onto my bedroom wall and even laying on my good ear(so my deaf ear faces out haha) i could still hear it :-0 I feel like I'm always moaning at her, which is depressing as I hate feeling like that. I feel like I'm the bad guy but I dont want someone else around all the time, its a 2 bed flat and I have a box room (she has big room and en-suite). I'm happy for him to stay over 2/3 times a week (prefer twice) but anymore then then that thats over half a week, half a year at mine! I think I'm being reasonable but I feel rotten saying this to her, yet perplexed she doesnt understand it. Its make me feel uncomfortable like im telling her off (im not) arghh, am i being unfair to her? |
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 4:59 PM BST
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Total posts: 3099
First post: 21/3/2008 Last post: 20/10/2009 |
Hi Pokes, I'd grab her on a lazy Saturday in the kitchen and ask her if you could have a chat. Then make a couple of teas and take them into the lounge so that she understands it's not just 'a passing word'. I think that with getting this message across, it's all about the delivery, and express that you're willing to compromise. Maybe even suggest that her OH can stay over more frequently if the noise is kept down. You pay to live there and shouldn't be made to feel stressed in your own home. Do you know why they can't both stay at his house? It sounds a bit strange to me.. Is it an ex of his who he lives with? I'd get to the bottom of this too, because it could be that the OTHER girl has kicked up a fuss, so they're at yours because you haven't! Would love Kiki to offer some advice on this one too 
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 5:11 PM BST
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Total posts: 30783
First post: 18/3/2003 Last post: 6/11/2009 |
I was in your situation and in the end I said, "Look obviously you want to live together, so I'll move out". It really did get that bad. She was a bit huffy about it but she realised she was being unfair by having him round so much. Giving him a key is particularly unacceptable, but obviously the amount of water, electricity, etc. that he uses is something he needs to pay for. I found that saying I would move out was the only way to SHOVE it down her throat as she seemed oblivious to it. I had to be very upfront about it and just ignore the fact she got huffy and tell her I was paying rent to live with her, not her and her stupid boyfriend. It may not go down well, but in which case you're better off giving her the move-out ultimatum. There is no way he can be letting himself in and out. Or else start walking around in your underwear in front of him to make him feel uncomfortable so he doesn't come over so much! |
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 5:30 PM BST
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Total posts: 1698
First post: 9/5/2008 Last post: 2/10/2009 |
Limits need to be set, if she doesn't take it seriously I'd be tempted to say 'I think we should mention it to the landlord as your boyfriend is pratically living here, we might as well split the rent three ways' or maybe suggest swapping rooms why should you have to put up with late night noise in the kitchen or haivng to do the landing dash in the morning. Also excatly why can't she stay at his, if its a case of his flat mates don't like her being their invading their privacy, then why should she expect you to compromise yours. |
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 5:58 PM BST
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Total posts: 4156
First post: 27/6/2005 Last post: 3/11/2009 |
I dont have time to respond properly. But I wanted to quickly say that you are not being unfair to her at all, infact you are being more than fair and she is being very unfair to you. Jeremy Osborne: Stop pissing on my bonfire. Mark Corrigan: There is no bonfire! Jeremy Osborne: That's because you keep pissing on it! I hate the new bag !! |
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 6:19 PM BST
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Total posts: 1024
First post: 2/11/2008 Last post: 14/10/2009 |
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's absolutely no good if you feel uncomfortable in your own house. Definitely try and sit down and have a chat with her when he's not there, expressing your concerns about him being around so much. And if she doesn't take the hint, suggest that you start splitting the utilities 3 ways and refuse to pay more than 1/3 of the bills, leaving her (and him) to pick up the other 2/3. I've got a friend in exactly the same situation at the moment and she hates feeling like she has to hide away in her own place. It's very, very selfish of your friend and I hope she can see the error of her ways soon. Good luck!
You can't make chicken soup out of chicken poop!
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 6:48 PM BST
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Total posts: 25442
First post: 29/6/2006 Last post: 7/11/2009 |
Well she emailed me back and said she feels like this isnt her home now and apparently she goes to his alot?!! seriously she never does, like never as she is always here when im home or he's here?! We're gonna have a chat tonight, she thinks ive an issue with him personally, which ive said i havent. I actually preferred it when he came over at the beginning and came in living room and talked to me, they ate dinner with me etc, rather then hiding in her room most nights. She obviously thinks im out of order and i think she isnt being fair. App he has a single room and single bed, not my problem!! Apparently where he lives has nothing to do with this and isnt an issue?! Well it is because you two want to see each other every single day and well i dont want that here, or every Friday/Saturday here so it is an issue |
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 7:09 PM BST
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Total posts: 4940
First post: 19/12/2006 Last post: 29/10/2009 |
You should propose that guests be allowed a maximum of twice a week and one weekend in every 3 or something? otherwise, the landlord should know about him and the bills should be split 3 ways. Simple. She can't argue that he be allowed to stay more (you could look in your contract, it might say how many nights pw guests are allowed) but not pay in the least. 
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 7:16 PM BST
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Total posts: 30783
First post: 18/3/2003 Last post: 6/11/2009 |
I just read Dorkgirl's post as "you're not being fair to her at all and you're a liar". I got ever so confuddled! Stand up for yourself - a couple of nights a week is probably OK but if they must spend so much time together, they'd better live together, innit. I'm sorry your'e going through this, I know how it feels! |
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Re: A bit like Kiki's thread....but I'm being made to feel bad
posted at 6/7/2009 8:12 PM BST
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Total posts: 6501
First post: 10/3/2005 Last post: 6/9/2009 |
You're not being unreasonable at all and I completely agree with what other posters have said. I have had a similar situation in the past, and it was horrible. Just reiterate what you have said, that this is your home too and you shouldn't have to share it with her AND her boyfriend as that's not what you signed up for. And the extra money it costs you needs to be addressed too. |
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