5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
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5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 25/10/2009 9:18 PM GMT
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Total posts: 31
First post: 5/7/2009 Last post: 11/11/2009 |
Hi ladies, I have been on 5 dates with a lovely new guy I met through mutual friends about 6 weeks ago. I really like him. He's funny, intelligent, has wonderful manners and we get on really well, I really fancy him and we have a lot in common, both interests and personality-wise. We have a great time together, and we haven't slept together yet. We went out to the cinema the other night and he said as soon as we met up that he was feeling really sick, I said he should have cancelled but he said he didn't want to. We watched the film and both enjoyed it, but afterwards he was still feeling rough. He walked me home and although we had a nice chat on the walk home he wasn't his usual funny and flirty self, he was obviously feeling really sick. I told him it was really sweet of him to still come out with me even when he was feeling ill. We had some (gentle) goodnight kisses and then he said he'd call me, and went to get his train home. I felt sorry for him feeling so sick, but also I feel flattered that he went to all that effort to see me, so he must like me! However I am getting so paranoid in between dates that maybe he doesn't really like me or he's going to just stop calling all of a sudden like the guys I have dated over the past few months. He seems different from them, and there isn't anything bad to say about this at all. I hardly ever text him or call him first as I don't want to appear too eager or push him away, but I always reply to his messages and return his calls. I texted him the day after our date, in the early evening to ask if he was feeling better, but he hasn't replied. I know I shouldn't attach any huge significance to this but I am getting so paranoid that he has decided he doesn't like me anymore. I am going to wait for him to phone or text me but it's so hard! I think I am so used to being dumped on by men that I am confused when someone is actually nice to me for a change! It's like I'm waiting for it to go wrong. Do I sound totally pathetic? |
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 25/10/2009 10:01 PM GMT
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Total posts: 2
First post: 25/10/2009 Last post: 25/10/2009 |
When did you go on that last date? It might be that he still isnt feeling well. You dont sound totally pathetic. I have had the same experiences with guys and its never fun, it doesnt help when you meet other guys cos you just feel like you are waiting for them to never text back some day. Just give it a little bit more time, I know its frustrating but he may just not be well yet. 
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 25/10/2009 11:12 PM GMT
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Total posts: 1786
First post: 3/4/2004 Last post: 26/10/2009 |
No you don't sound pathetic, its perfectly understandable if your previous experiences haven't been so good that you are just waiting for it to all go wrong. This is just human nature. I'm like you, used to getting dumped and going out for a few dates before I get the old 'its not you its me' line that its just what I started to expect all the time. Then I finally got together with a guy that used to work in my office and 4 months later we're still together. Even now part of me thinks that he isn't that serious about me, he never says how he really feels, never texts or calls me if its not to make arrangements to go out and isn't at all romantic, however he wants to go on holiday with me in Feb, always turns up when he says he will, so despite my doubts, he says and does things that make me think things can't be all that bad! You just have to go with the flow and stop worrying, I used to worry all the time but I've started to relax and just think what will be will be. Its tough at first but if its right for you both then you won't have to worry about anything, just enjoy the time you are together and enjoy your own time when you're apart.
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 26/10/2009 11:02 AM GMT
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Total posts: 3573
First post: 13/4/2004 Last post: 23/11/2009 |
I agree with SallyA. Sometimes we worry just because .... I'm exactly the same as you .. in fact it could have been me writing your Thread (just ask Browneyes lol) I met the Landlord and we've been dating 3 months now and for the first 2 months at LEAST when we weren't together I was doing exactly what you are doing .. wondering whether he's gone off me or if the next text would be he'd changed his mind about things and yet, when we're together ... we're together ... Xmas/New Year arrangements, going on bike rallys next summer etc are all discussed as the norm .. so he clearly isn't over analyzing like me lol I put my mindset down to an ex who I was madly in love with and who brought our relationship to an end with a text, completely out of the blue and left me devastated. Although our relationship didn't end with the text it did instigate a break which eventually led to our split although we tried to remain friends, that didn't work either. Then the countless and faceless Internet dating etc I've done where nothing went anywhere - you do start to doubt yourself! So try and chill out, relax and just go with the flow (however difficult) because the quickest way to ruin any relationship is most definitely overthinking.... which leads to paranoia ... whick leads to doubt and suspicion and we all know where that ends. Jx
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 26/10/2009 11:36 AM GMT
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Total posts: 2416
First post: 1/4/2005 Last post: 23/11/2009 |
It sounds as though things are going well and given that he was genuinely seeming ill, he could well still be feeling that way. How long ago was this last date? He went to the trouble to go out even though he was sick, so thats a very good sign. It would be too easy to cancel, and he didnt. Give it some time, he sounds nice, and with your background its easy to wonder and overthink these situations. I do the exact same thing when I start dating, but the feelings become clear over time. |
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 26/10/2009 9:54 PM GMT
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Total posts: 31
First post: 5/7/2009 Last post: 11/11/2009 |
Hello all, the last date was the Friday that's just gone, so only three days ago. I haven't had a reply yet so I assume he isn't going to reply to that text, but he may have felt it didn't need a reply or perhaps not even received it. My text just said I hoped he was feeling better, it wasn't a question, so I know for a lot of men that means they might not need to answer! I think the fact that he came out with me despite feeling ill shows he likes me, and I know I shouldn't read too much into the fact that he hasn't replied, but of course, I am reading too much into it!! I don;t want to bombard him with messages and calls, I think it's good to give him space, especially if he's ill. Maybe it has developed into full-blown man flu and he has lost the power of movement! LOL
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 26/10/2009 10:13 PM GMT
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Total posts: 1786
First post: 3/4/2004 Last post: 26/10/2009 |
In Response to Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!: My text just said I hoped he was feeling better, it wasn't a question, so I know for a lot of men that means they might not need to answer! Posted by stopfaffinabout Spot on! I get that too, if I email (forget texting, his phone is so old texts don't get through till about 2 days later!) to ask something I'll get a response, if I just send a bit of info or tell him a quick short story I don't usually get anything back. Just the way his mind works so I'm with you on this one!
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 28/10/2009 1:26 PM GMT
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Total posts: 31
First post: 5/7/2009 Last post: 11/11/2009 |
I haven't texted him or contacted him since Saturday. Last night (Tuesday) he phoned me saying he's been thinking that after 5 dates he would expect to feel a big spark if the two of us have long term potential. (Personally, I think 5 dates is way to early to tell!) Anyway he said he likes me a lot, cares about me and is in lust with me, but isn't sure about long term potential. He said he wanted to discuss this with me before we took the next step of sleeping together. I like him a lot and am in lust with him too, but I certainly don't have any idea about whether we have long term potential and whether I will fall in love with him. However I am open to the possibility of anything in life. I can't see into the future, and its the same at the start of any new relationship. I said to him I don't want a one nighter, I don't want a casual relationship/shag buddy, and I don't want to be used for sex. He said he didn't want that either. I've had two long-term relationships in my life, both of which lasted approx. 5 years. At the start of my first relationship my ex said "I'm not looking for a partner for life" - he ended up proposing to me 2 years later! It didn't work out in the end, but my second long-term relationship also staretd off with the man saying "We'll stay together for a while, have a beautiful time, then we'll go our separate ways". Three years after that we got married! Once again, it didn't work out. I'm wondering, do men do this to give themselves an easy out, or to keep their options open? Or because they're scared of getting emotionally involved? Ultimately if he ends up in love with me then he would realise it isn't necessarily about an initial spark after 5 dates. If I develop feelings for him further down the line that are not reciprocated I will finish it. What do you ladies think? |
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Re: 5 dates, going so well but I'm getting paranoid - help!
posted at 28/10/2009 2:07 PM GMT
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Total posts: 3573
First post: 13/4/2004 Last post: 23/11/2009 |
Oh ... hmm ... my immediate reaction when I was reading your first paragraph was that he wasn't interested :-( Then reading on, he has me totally confused???? To my mind, if you fancy someone AND feel a spark (which I vigorously add - you ALWAYS feel from the beginning) you date them and see what happens. No-one knows what will happen in the future and the point of dating is to get to know each other and if it's meant to be long term, it will be. It's not, to my mind, something that you can plan right from the outset but that's just my opinion. I think the reason he has brought this up now is a kind of "get out clause" tbh (sorry - again it's only my opinion) he realises that he likes you but knows that you're not the one for him so he's letting you know - which in one way is a good thing but if a guy said that to me .. it would be a deal breaker. I've been here .... dated a guy for 18 months, we got on well and had a good time together but I always knew he wasn't the one for me. I had been honest with him about this from the start. When I ended it, he was devastated and I felt like a complete b*tch (even though he'd always known how I felt) and I vowed I wouldn't get in that position again either on mine or their part. I guess it's up to you to decide ... as you said your 2 long term partners said the same and they lasted quite a while BUT ultimately they ended for whatever reason. If you can keep your heart to one side and not fall for the guy ... then carry on, see where it goes otherwise if I weree in your shoes, I would be moving on I'm afraid. Jx Edited to add : I have a friend in this situation .. she has been dating her OH for just over 2 years ... twice he has had indepth conversations about how she's not the one but he enjoys their company and likes dating her .... unfortunately, along the line she fell in love with him and each time now when she broaches "where the relationship is going" he responds with .. I have always been honest with you .. I like things as they are. There's nothing she can say now and her only option ultimately will be to end it but at the moment, she's sticking to treading water :-( x
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