Cohabiting versus marriage

Is living together just as significant as marriage?

Relationship counsellors Relate estimate there are now 4 million people co-habiting in the UK. For many in my age bracket (20-34, just), Living together is the first step towards marriage, but also a good way to test the relationship. Does this attitude demean the value of cohabitation compared with marriage? Does it work?

A recent study by New York's Cornell university suggests that couples who live together before marriage are actually more likely to split up than those who don't:

"About half of cohabiting individuals view living together as a way to assess compatibility prior to marriage...cohabitation should eliminate poor matches and make subsequent marriages more stable. The evidence, however, suggests the opposite... Among married individuals, premarital cohabitation is related to lower marital satisfaction, less time spent together in shared activities, higher levels of marital disagreement, less supportive behaviour, less positive problem solving, more reports of marital problems, and a greater perceived likelihood of marital dissolution...Furthermore, compared with couples who enter directly into marriage, couples who cohabit first have a higher risk of marital dissolution, especially in the early years of marriage."

Marriage v cohabitation: The Debate
Of all my friends, only one married without first living with her partner. She had previously lived with someone she decided not to marry and extols the virtues of marriage: "One of the nicest things was being able to buy our very first property together. Everything we had was neutral; we got it together. What it shows is that because we decided that it was going to be it, we wanted to show people. We had decided that it was us against the world."

But why not just live together? She says:

"Whatever anyone says, being married is different; you can't just walk out the door."

Another friend of mine, Lorraine, who has happily cohabited for ten years, disagrees. "In our society, marriage is no longer the qualifier for living together, buying a house or starting a family. Obviously married couples have more legal rights than cohabiters, eg, inheritance and pensions, but I feel that living together is equal to being married to them because in my case, I adore my partner, we have a child and consider ourselves to be a family unit; we have been together for over ten years and intend to stay together."

The Benefits of Marriage
Whether you get married or move in together, it is a huge emotional and romantic commitment. Legal issues form the biggest difference between marriage and cohabiting; yet, in a survey conducted by Relate, it was revealed that 61 % of people believed living together for a long period of time somehow grants you the same rights as when married. It doesn't.

It may seem unromantic checking your legal situation before you move in with someone, but it is a very good idea. Since scientists have now proved that romantic love only lasts a year, we have to be practical. With one in two marriages ending in divorce, marriage is no magical formula to stay together. While the idea may persist that you are less likely to walk out the door, at least you're entitled to take half of it with you if you do.

Children
For many people, choosing to have children together is the biggest commitment you can make. Myself and most of my friends have lived with someone we have gone on to marry. Most of us only married when we decided to have children. All of us, bar none, put the birth of our first child above our wedding day.

Certainly for my friend Lorraine, having a son cemented their commitment, but didn't make them want to get married:

"Marriages can end, but we will always be our son's mum and dad. Marriage is irrelevant to us."

At this point her partner interjected to say, "Actually she thinks I'm a bastard for denying her the chance to wear a big frock!"

Commitment is the key
While very much in jest, like most jokes, this has more than a grain of truth. One doting sixty-year-old mother I know was quite put out when someone suggested that her daughter's four year-long cohabitation was "not the same as marriage." Interestingly enough, however, in a recent conversation with the slighted daughter, she admitted that she herself did not view cohabitation as being equal to marriage, and that she was giving her partner an ultimatum to propose or get dumped.

In my experience, many women want to get married long before their man does. For many women, a proposal is the ultimate romantic declaration by their partner, and to the world, and a chance to have a fuss made of them that may never happen again. Surely this must be one reason why so many people have snapped up the chance to have a gay wedding.

However a Relate spokesperson says it is commitment, not marriage, that is the key:

"Nowhere in any research does it suggest that if you get married you are able to understand the nature of commitment or create a healthy relationship. Marriage is usually a proxy for have house / have job / mum and dad got married / feeling secure. In that way, with all of these things stacked in your favour when you marry, you may be more likely to make the marriage last longer than many of the fragile cohabitations that happen these days. But if we married up all those people currently cohabiting, they are just as likely to break up – it's not the piece of paper that would keep them together - it's some notion of commitment to one another. The quality of the couple's relationship is the most important factor in the success of the partnership."

Long-term, the level of compromise and commitment, rather than the infamous piece of paper, will ensure a lasting relationship. But some of us girls (and guys) just want to get married anyway.

Sources: www.telegraph.co.uk
www.socialsciences.cornell.edu

 

How to fancy him after five years

 

101 sex tips from foreplay to prime positions

 

Visit our fabulous sister site www.cosmopolitan.co.uk for more relationship advice and sex tips

 

Tips for brides-to-be, weddings and honeymoon inspiration

 

 

 

Share this Print this