Part-time marriage

Part time marriage sounds like a euphemism for separation or perhaps having an affair, but it's not. For an increasing number of couples living apart during the week and coming together at the weekend is a practise born of necessity

By Ruth Nicholas

It's a sensitive subject for the people involved. Many of the couples approached for this article refused point blank to take part. "I don't talk about this with my friends so I'm not going to open up my relationship to examination by strangers," one affronted spouse remarked. One pair agreed if their names were changed and their personal circumstances dealt with impressionistically, but pulled out after the husband had a change of heart. Being interviewed highlighted deep division over certain issues and caused fierce arguments.

One or two were happy to talk about their arrangements. Anna and Richard are in their late twenties and spent three years as part-time spouses out of choice. "We were always very independent of each other when we were going out," says Anna. "We went on separate holidays, had our own groups of friends and different interests. We love each other but never felt the need to be in each other's pockets."

Richard agrees: "We both have very demanding jobs. I often work stupid hours. I love my job and one of the things I love about Anna is that she has always been so self sufficient."

After their lavish wedding everyone expected them to sell up and move into the same house, but Anna kept her semi in Surrey and Richard stayed in his place in London. "Yeah everyone thought it was weird, but if I'd moved into Richard's flat I wouldn't have seen any more of him during the week. We spent every weekend together and talked two or three times a day and I think we were and are closer than many married couples," she says. "I really looked forward to seeing her every weekend. It kept everything fresh and exciting," Richard comments.

Last year they sold Anna's house, released some of the equity in Richard's flat and bought a house on the outskirts of south London. The reason is that they decided they want to start a family. "I'm ready and we're ready. We still don't see much of each other during the week, but it became more important to me that we lived under the same roof," Anna observes. "I don't think we will ever be the kind of couple that spends every moment together."

Trish, James and their two children used to live together full-time in the West Country, until James was offered a dream job in London. "It meant the world to him and I couldn't hold him back. He wanted to say no because he thought that as a father he should, but I told him that he had to just go for it," Trish recalls.

James now spends Monday to Thursday night in a shared flat and travels back Friday evening. "I always try to get back to tuck the kids in bed on a Friday," he says. "It was hard to begin with, I felt guilty because what I was doing seemed so selfish, but the other day our eldest said that I was a nicer daddy because I'm always so happy at the weekend."

Other couples aren't so fortunate. Several of those approached are living separate weekday lives out of economic necessity. "The prospects where we live aren't good workwise and [my partner] just can't earn enough so he has to follow the money," says a none-too-pleased thirtysomething.

"We downsized. I couldn't take it after the baby was born," says Caz. "My husband only ever saw me in my pyjamas. He left the house before 7am and didn't get home until 10pm. The hours were killing him and our relationship suffered. I knew it wasn't his fault but I felt abandoned with a small baby to look after and him not there. In the end it was better for everyone to move to a house with a smaller mortgage."

Caz says that the rift in her formerly part-time marriage is only just beginning to heal. Others, like Anna and Richard, say that being apart brought them closer together. This very modern phenomenon is clearly not for everyone.

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