Porn - the real deal

Does a man's use of porn spell trouble in a relationship? We asked William Leith for the naked truth, and surveyed eight women for their responses

  Do you feel threatened by porn?I hate pornography. It objectifies the female body and demeans the male viewer. When a man looks at porn, he sees the pornographer's projection of his most basic, and base, desires. Whoever made those images is holding up a mirror and saying, 'Look, this is you.' And that picture looks ugly, I can tell you. There are other reasons why I hate porn: it's about power, rapacity and all the bad things that our culture is doing to the world. It tempts, but never satisfies. And, scarily, it's everywhere. Fashion, advertising and pop music are all more pornographic today than yesterday. Tomorrow, they will be more pornographic than today.

Yeah, right. Like all men, I hate porn like I hate junk food. It's unhealthy and makes me feel bad – bloated yet empty – but it enters the male psyche like a Big Mac gets the tastebuds going.

The fact is, we haven't evolved since the Stone Age: we want to pass on our genes. That's why, says gender expert Dr Warren Farrell, there's a fundamental imbalance between men and women when it comes to sexual selection. Men are programmed, and also socialised, to want two things from women: attractiveness and willingness. That's it. But women need an emotional connection, they want a man to stay and protect them when they're vulnerable – when they're pregnant, for example. Of course, men and women usually experience a gap between what they want and what they get. Farrell says the female gap is 'reflected in compensatory mechanisms' such as chick-flicks, magazines and romantic novels. The male gap is filled by porn.

Every guy has a relationship with porn. If a man tells you he doesn't like to see the female body displayed in a way designed to titillate, don't believe him. Does he like his wife to shave her legs and put on nice underwear? Then he cares about the way she displays her body.

Should you worry if your partner looks at porn? If you follow Farrell's logic, you might ask men a similar question – should you worry when your girlfriend reads a romantic novel? I think it depends on the person in question.

If I were a woman, I would be frightened, though. If men experience a gap between what they want and what they get, then porn widens that gap. Should women be cool about it, or terrified? Just look at the effects of ubiquitous porn, from female underwear to male expectations. I was talking to a woman I'd never met before at a party, when another woman walked past. This second woman was pure porn: high heels; tight cropped top; tiny skirt. With an amazing amount of venom, the first woman said, 'I hate women like that. They make it so difficult for the rest of us.'

So you don't need to worry if your partner looks at porn. He's just a man. But do worry about the wider issue. Be very worried indeed.

How would you feel if your partner used porn?

'Porn can be addictive'
Susanna Abse, 48, is a psychotherapist at the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, London.
'Since the rise of the Internet, pornography is an increasingly common relationship problem. It is usually men who use it, and most women I see find it very upsetting and disturbing. Porn becomes addictive when it replaces sex, or when someone regularly looks at it, masturbates, comes and keeps looking. Then it's no longer just a release of sexual tension. There's no one answer as to how a couple should handle porn: it depends on what kind of porn it is and gradation of use. I view it as a relationship problem that is indicative of other issues, such as lack of communication and respect. If your partner looks at porn occasionally, yet you have a satisfying sex life, then the issue could be with your self-esteem or your expectations. We all have individual needs that might not be met in a relationship. We need to question the idea that we can be everything to each other.'

'Porn can improve your sex life'
Emily Dubberly, 31, is editor-at-large of Scarlet, a sex magazine for women.
'The most common requests we get from Scarlet readers are, 'Please show us more naked men; more erections; please make your stories more hardcore.' It's much less threatening to women now: there are female directors and the women in the videos look more normal. Women are realising that porn can improve your sex life: it can help with communication, exploring your desires and discovering what turns you on. Women confuse too many emotions with porn. Your partner is just using a visual aid to help him masturbate. It doesn't mean that you're not enough for him. As long as the porn is made ethically, with people who are over the age of consent, and he's not using it to replace sex with you, then I don't see the problem. I wouldn't mind if my partner was looking at porn; it would only bother me if he wouldn't lend me his videos.'

'Being anti-porn is a double standard'
Jules McClean, 47, is a health and beauty press officer. She has been married for 17 years.
'Women are always being told we need to spice up our sex lives by buying sexual aids such as vibrators, so to say men shouldn't look at porn is a double standard. The fact is, we're all avid consumers. We're constantly bombarded: 'look at this; buy this, do this'. As if your sex life isn't great unless you go to Ann Summers. I don't know whether it's age, or the length of my relationship, but I certainly don't feel threatened by porn. I appreciate that people have different sexual needs and appetites. If you and your partner are sexually mismatched, then surely looking at porn is better than one of you having an affair?'

'It would conflict with my values'
Jill Munt, 33, is an executive producer. She is currently single and lives in London.
'My fairly well-adjusted boyfriends so far have all been porn users and, on an emotional level, it has never bothered me. It's practically a rite of passage for men. On the other hand, I feel very strongly that most women in porn are exploited. Most of us don't grow up thinking, 'I want to be a porn star'. These women coming over from Eastern Europe don't have any other option. It's economic slavery. And I'm sure it's tied up in the problem with sex-trafficking. There is this naïve attitude today that porn stars do it because they enjoy it, that it's a choice. But you just have to think, what would have to happen to you before you would act in a porn film? How different would your life have to be?'

'It depends what he was looking at'
Stephanie Ozanne, 42, runs Vitalia Health, which sells alternative health products. She has been married for 10 years and has two sons, aged seven and nine.
'There's a difference between soft and hardcore porn; and between Internet porn and the odd sexy film. I find hardcore porn unacceptable, and I would be angry if my husband looked at it online. We are busy people; if he had time for that, he'd be stealing it away from me or the children. There are many soft porn films, such as Basic Instinct, which are designed to make you feel aroused. That's perfectly healthy as part of a loving parnership. You can't maintain the sex you first have in a relationship, so it's good to be reminded of how you used to feel. It's about communication and enjoying it together, not watching it in secret.'

'It's hard to avoid it'
Kate Scally, 43, is director of simplywomen, an insight consultancy. She lives in Kingston with her husband of 10 years, and her son, aged six.
'I wouldn't mind if I found a porn mag lying around the house. Men will always like looking at women's bodies, and I fully expect my son to be curious when he gets older. I'm more offended by the sexism in regular men's magazines than Playboy: they masquerade as clean fun in the name of laddism, yet they run degrading articles about Abi Titmuss and naked pictures of Paris Hilton. What worries me is the 'pornification' of society: women go to pole-dancing classes, have Brazilians and breast implants, there's live sex on Big Brother. Who are we to sit in judgement of 'honest' porn?'

'I'd be devastated'
Penaran Higgs, 36, works for the British Union for the Abolition of Vivisection. She and her fiancé live in London, and have been together for six years.
'Porn sets unrealistic standards and expectations, and ultimately damages relationships. If my partner were using porn, it would mean he was masturbating without me, and mentally fixating on other women. The fact that he wanted something I couldn't provide would affect my self-esteem, both in terms of how I look and my sexual performance. My reaction to porn is an emotional one, not a moral judgement. Some people think it exploits women, but if they want to be porn stars, it's up to them. That's not my problem. For me, it's about commitment. I think monogamy should extend to the brain. I don't fantasise about other men. I think women of my generation expect commitment and equality in a relationship, which for me means not looking at pornographic images of other women.'

  Do you feel threatened by porn?'Porn has to be shared'
Sarra Pond, 50, lives in London with her two children, 22 and 20. She is a part-time therapist and owns a hair salon.
'When I was growing up in Greece, it wasn't taboo to talk about sexuality and fantasies, so I feel very comfortable with porn. I see it as part of some people's individual desires. We don't expect our partner to read exactly the same books as us, so why should we expect them to have the same fantasies? I think because men are visually oriented, they don't see looking at porn as an emotional betrayal. They see it as a way of exploring fantasies without harming anyone. Whereas women, who are more emotionally oriented, see it as infidelity. The key is to discuss it. We need to be able to trust each other enough to know that we can talk about our fantasies without fear of ridicule or reprisal. If porn is shared, it can encourage a sexual connection with your partner. If it is not shared, it can potentially destroy your relationship.'

This feature was taken from Psychologies Magazine. The July issue of Psychologies goes on sale on Wednesday 7 June

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