Keeping the love alive

Familiarity, the saying goes, breeds contempt. But when it comes to sex in long-term relationships it's far more likely to breed boredom. Follow our tips on how to fancy him for the next five to fifty years

According to the experts, those heady, early days in a relationship when the sexual energy between you and your beloved has enough power to light up the national grid only lasts an average of eighteen months to two years. Long enough for our ancestors to become emotionally bonded and breed perhaps, but these days we want more from our partnerships than hunter-gathering sperm donors; we want a lover, a soul mate and a best friend all rolled into one. Forget lying back and thinking of England, that involves remaining sexually, as well as emotionally, satisfied for life.

Birds and bees
There's no doubt about it – the couple that do it together stay together. A breakdown in sexual activity is one of the most commonly cited reasons for partners to go looking for whoopee elsewhere. And while that might just sound like a feeble excuse, to the partner whose libido is going to bed every night alone it can start to seem like a valid point.

Part of this undoubtedly is because sex is rarely ever just about the bump and grind, especially in a relationship. Sex is intimate, it's (ideally) uninhibited and in a long-term relationship especially when it can so often feel like everything else has been said, it's a great way to put away the worries of the mortgage and whose turn it is to clean the loo and spend a little time rediscovering why you wanted to share a bathroom cabinet with each other in the first place.

Good sex releases oxytocin, a 'bonding' chemical that creates a sense of closeness between couples. The good news is that the more sex – and the better it is – the more oxytocin is released. The bad news, of course, is that the opposite is also true.

It's rather a cruel joke then, isn't it, that just when we need it most, after those first couple of years of unmitigated lust, we're less and less inclined to want to take our love medicine without a prescription. The solution? Write yourself a sex prescription, of course.

Quite why we still believe that sex in long-term relationships will always be as impulsive as it was in the old days is mystifying, especially when all anecdotal – never mind scientific – evidence is to the contrary. You probably don't want to be so prescriptive that it's Wednesdays and Saturdays on the, ahem, stroke of midnight – that would quickly become as dull and dutiful as four nights of Eastenders every week – but setting aside some quality time for sex will bring the oxytocin flooding back, putting you and your partner firmly back on board the feel-good gravy train.

Let's get physical
Of course what turned you on in the early days (him throwing you a sideways glance, you merely walking into the room) generally doesn't cut it as time goes by. Thank the lord then for the sexual liberation of the High Street. Stimulating sex treats and toys are available across the land, ready and willing to fulfil the lightest and darkest of fantasies. Talk to your partner about what you both like – the conversation alone might be enough to titillate some latent interest – and get ready to experiment.

Of course the point is to bring you closer, not just prove that you can swing from chandeliers (although if that works for both of you, why not?). Likewise, a try-anything-once rule can be fun, but make a pact to be honest about whether something does or doesn't do it for you and agree that if that's the case you'll move on to more mutually satisfying ground.

Remember too that just because you've been together for years doesn't mean you've stayed the same. One of the reasons sex becomes stale is because it becomes familiar. All the sex toys in the world can't help you see beyond your own preconceptions about your partner. Look at your partner with a fresh eye, the way people who first meet him do. With any luck it will re-spark your interest in him both in and out of the sheets.

Don't forget to stimulate other areas of your relationship, either. After five, ten or fifteen or more years together it's ludicrous to think that you're going to place the same importance on sex as you did when you first met. Spend time together doing shared activities, go on coffee or dinner dates where you promise beforehand not to talk about bill paying or childcare. Stimulate one another's minds and there's a good chance that the opportunity to stimulate one another's bodies will follow. Most important of all, be intimate with one another – share secrets and affection; this is a relationship, not a one-night stand. A good sex life reflects a good relationship and that takes time, empathy and good sprinkling of shared laughter to achieve.

 

Visit our fabulous sister site cosmopolitan.co.uk for more relationship advice and sex tips

 

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