Getting your ex back

In the heat of the moment, breaking up seemed the right thing to do, but now that you've realised your mistake, how can you repair the damage?

  Have you made a rash decision to split?You made unreasonable demands, slammed doors, said unforgivable things, and then told your girlfriends he was 'never really all that', whilst wiggling your pinky finger suggestively. But with a bit of breathing space and too many nights fending off the advances of some truly low-quality specimens, you're realising you made a huge error of judgement. He's actually the most marvellous man you've ever met, and you want him back. So now what?

To begin with, consider the reasons you left. If he was cheating, involved in criminal activity, or addicted to something other than your love, you may need to reassess your desire for a reunion, or at least invest in some couples counselling before you take the plunge again.

However, assuming the two of you broke up for the usual reasons (lack of communication/commitment phobia/boredom) this relationship may be salvageable.

If you hurt him
He'll be feeling rejected and angry. First of all, apologise. Sounds simple, but the catch is that there's no guarantee your apology will be accepted or even acknowledged.

Tread gently, asking if you can meet him somewhere neutral, like a café or a park. Keep your apology brief but sincere – admit you treated him badly, and tell him how sorry you are. Try really hard not to cry - your apology will have more impact if you can remain composed.

If he hurt you
This is harder. You need to be the one doing the forgiving. What's more, you need to be sure that you're able to move on from the pain he's caused you and, effectively, forget about it. If your future is going to be clouded in any way by heartache, grudges and anger, there is no future.

Solve problems
Relationships end for a reason, so be clear – if you were jealous or moody or were always in trouble for flirting with other men, put measures in place to sort out the problems that led to your relationship's demise. Accept responsibility for the things you're able to change, and demonstrate the progress you're making to your ex.

Rekindling the flame
So the air has been cleared a little - now you need to remind your man that you're a match made in heaven.

Cast your mind back to your happiest moments together – did you love snuggling up at the movies? Going surfing? Getting sweaty on a squash court?

Try tempting him a little by inviting him to do something with you that once made the two of you insanely happy. If you loved trawling antiques markets together, ask him to join you on an outing to one. Inflate his ego a little by telling him how much you value his opinion and that no-one else will do. And then make sure he realises how much fun you're having with him, just like old times – catch his eye, squeeze his arm, share a joke.

End your meeting by asking if he'd be prepared to try again – if not now, perhaps sometime in the future.

Sexual healing
Sometimes something as simple as a decent shag can help bring two ex-lovers back together. Why is it that nothing on earth can top the sex you have with an ex?

Lure him home with you, work your magic, and watch his defences crumble before your eyes. After all, it was undoubtedly some sort of physical attraction that sparked your relationship in the first place.

But be careful – make it plain that you want your night of pleasure to be the beginning of a beautiful thing. And if he's still dragging his feet after you make your move, don't go there again. Otherwise, instead of being a therapeutic experience you may find yourself paying for hours of therapy while he has his cake and eats it too.

If he's met somebody new
Give him breathing space and view this interlude as an opportunity for both of you to grow. Allow him and his new girlfriend enough space to self-combust – if it's a rebound relationship this is a distinct possibility – and in the meantime, think about working on some simple self-improvements. We're not talking cosmetic surgery here – but this is your chance to boost your energy levels, try a new hairstyle, pursue your interests, and meet new people.

Call your ex a couple of months down the track – chances are, his relationship is over but if it's not, you won't have wasted a moment of your own, thoroughly amazing life.

Lastly, never ever...
Beg him to come back, stalk him, ask his mother if she can speak to him on your behalf, cling to false hope, sleep with his friends out of revenge or spite, make threats, or try to sabotage his new relationship. Be respectful, and you may stand a decent chance of winning him back. Good luck!

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