Just a little crush

Just because you're in love doesn't mean you don't find Daniel Craig attractive – right? Lust levels don't fall by the wayside when you bag yourself a boyfriend, it's what you do about them that matters.

  Where do you draw the line?By Emma Jayne Jones
Come on, admit it, you've fantasised about the handsome stranger you sat next to on the train or flirted with the hot guy who serves you coffee in Starbucks. And most the time that's as far as it goes. A quick naughty thought here, the odd lingering glance there. Your partner doesn't know about it and he doesn't need to.

But what about when that lingering glance turns into a flirtatious conversation, a quick drink, back to his for coffee...

How do you know when you are beginning to slide down that slippery slope to something more? The truth is, most of us do know, but we just try to ignore the signs. Is your flirtation at Starbucks lasting just a little longer each time? Is that fantasy about the man on the train appearing more often than thoughts about your own boyfriend?

Thinking about other guys can be healthy for a relationship. It lets us mentally play out scenes in our head without actually realising them and risking hurting anyone. And scold me for saying it, but sometimes even a quick misdemeanour can be beneficial for your relationship.

Helen has been with her partner for 10 years but about three years ago found herself intensely attracted to a man she worked with.

"My relationship with my boyfriend was the strongest but I guess after eight years we had lost some of that sexual flirtation that this guy offered." She explains, "We flirted a lot and I was very tempted to take it further but the thought of hurting my partner stopped me."

"It made me rethink my relationship. I told my boyfriend everything and the way he was so understanding and patient about it reminded me what a wonderful person he is. The thought that we might not be together forever frightened me so much it made me consider his feelings more. It also made me thank my lucky stars every day that I hadn't given it all up for what was really a crush."

Helen is a classic example of how we don't realise what we have until there's a chance it might be taken away. Jane had a similar experience when she reached a big turning point in her relationship.

"I was just about to move in with my boyfriend and was having a bit of a crisis about losing my independence," she recalls. "I met this drop-dead gorgeous guy when I was away for work and I was caught up in that heady, initial attraction."

"We kissed, and it was just what I needed to realise my boyfriend and I may have moved past that lusty stage but we have so much more. I never told him. Why would I? It would just hurt him when it meant nothing and made me love him more."

Unfortunately, not all flirtations end in 'and we lived happily ever after…'. Slide too far down that slippery slope and it can be impossible to pull yourself back up. Wendy saw all the signs but ignored them and before she knew it she was cheating on her boyfriend.

"I thought I could keep my feelings under control and that it didn't really mean anything that I was always thinking about this guy,' she says. 'Then one thing led to another and I was having an affair. I knew it was wrong but it all happened so quickly."

When her partner found out he ended the relationship and it was too late to rectify the situation.

"I know now to trust my instinct,' she says. 'If it feels wrong, it probably is and if you're getting your kicks outside the relationship you shouldn't be in it."

Now don't get me wrong, I will still be wondering what it would be like to kiss Mr Craig and I plan to carry on flirting with the guy at Starbucks but all in moderation. It's like chocolate (to me there is always a food analogy to be made somewhere!) We all know that the triple chocolate brownie is not good for us but it just tastes so good. So we convince ourselves that if we walk an extra mile or just eat fruit for the rest of the week then we can have it. And why not, a little bit of bad is good for you. But if you start eating triple chocolate brownie every day or convince yourself that having an apple after it counteracts the effect then you could be in for a bit of trouble.

We are all smart, street-wise women and know we should follow our instinct. It's just difficult to listen to reason sometimes when you really want something. So girls, keep flirting, keep fantasising, and keep having a few fancies. Just listen to your heart and know when it is time to put down the fork and step away from the plate.

 
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