Breaks without break-ups

Going away with your other half? Think of all that sun, sea, sex... and stress. Here's how to make sure you don't fall out on foreign shores.

While certain couples will gambol through the surf to the distant strains of Unchained Melody, some of us will end up in flaming rows or icy silences. Or both. A few of us will manage all three. In an ideal world going on holiday with your man would be a wonderful experience for you both. You'd have great fun, great sex and a great time together.

Unfortunately life is rarely ideal. Many couples find the process of going away stressful and with good reason. There is almost no other time when you and he are together 24 hours a day and, let's face it, it's difficult to get on brilliantly with anyone who is in your face and under your skin all the bloody time.

Things that irritate you a little at home may irritate you a lot when you're away. "My ex used to tap his fingertips against the steering wheel when he drove. I didn't think it bothered me and we used to go on buses and in cabs at home, so it probably didn't, but after a fortnight of tapping I wanted to kill him," says Ella.

Going on holiday is an opportunity to get to know each other better, which isn't always a good thing. Julie and Gerry had been going out for four months when they went on their first and last holiday. "He was quite quiet and I really liked that. He was shy and reserved and I was looking forward to getting closer to him. I thought I could bring him out of himself while we were away," she recalls. "Turns out he was a right boring git. He was quiet because he didn't have anything to say for himself. I've had more exciting evenings with my dad." She ditched him as soon as they got back.

Differences of opinion inevitably crop up on holiday and Julie and Gerry were obviously unsuited, but wanting different things or having different interests or priorities isn't necessarily bad news. Relationships thrive on difference - who would want to be with a mirror image of themselves? Frankly, I'd find it rather disturbing if my husband suddenly developed a passionate interest in ladies' shoes or wanted to talk wrinkle creams.

Respect and compromise are the keys to relationship harmony on holiday and at home: respect for each other's needs and desires, and compromise in how you accommodate them. You may not understand the attraction of golf any more than he gets shopping, but it is easy enough to make space for you both to do a little of your own thing. You may need to retreat into a book to unwind and get away from it all; he may need to listen to his ipod. If you understand what your partner needs and why they do it, it's easier to accept their behaviour without taking it personally or reading too much into it.

Holidays can highlight the differences between couples, but many couples approach them with unrealistic expectations. "It is like Christmas – there's a lot of fantasy built around it," says Relate counsellor Christine Northam. "People say 'things would be ok if we could only have a break', but if there are underlying problems in the relationship, [going on holiday] creates space for them to surface."

Northam advises couples to try not to let problems build up. "If you can, have a brief conversation about what is troubling you. You probably both need a holiday and you don't want to spoil it. Agree beforehand that each person has five minutes or ten minutes to talk about how they are feeling without interruption. At the end of the time get up and walk away to allow you both to process your emotions. Talk about how you are feeling and own your own feelings; say 'I' and 'me' not 'this is what you are doing to me.' As soon as blame gets involved the conversation turns to worms," she says.

If your relationship is going through a difficult time, going away won't magically make it better, but it may give you some space in which to talk. It doesn't have to be a make or break solution and it is undoubtedly unhelpful to approach it as if it were.

On the other hand, falling out on holiday is par for the course and if you have a blazing row over nothing, it may just be a sign that your relationship is perfectly normal.

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