'Do you come here often?'

At school all you needed was a Curly Wurly to make friends. Nowadays it's a bit trickier, especially if you've moved jobs or towns. The answer, says Samantha Warwick, lies in 'platonic dating'

By Samantha Warwick

Back in the playground, a conversation as inane as: 'Can you make Space Dust come out of your nose?' can be the foundation of a lifelong friendship. As students at university, the same line of conversation could just as easily work, so long as you'd had five pints of snakebite and black. Fast forward to work and it's the 'the boss drives us nuts' camaraderie that bonds people together like boiling water on a Pot Noodle (unless you're the boss, of course).

Recent research reveals that although you make more than 400 friendships in a lifetime, you're only ever likely to maintain a handful. Only 33, that's one in 12, will stand the test of time and, of these, only five will ever be considered true friends. But there's a problem. Due to our new fragmented society, the fact that we're willing to move for jobs and the culture of long working hours, the chances of even these friendships lasting are increasingly slim.

And as well as the imposed life changes, there are also the purely accidental ones. You might be the only singleton left in your circle of friends or maybe you've come out of a relationship to discover all your friends are his, too. Or like Mel Baker, 34, you might have moved from the safety of your old network. An illustrator, Mel swapped her full-time job to freelance from home when she got married. 'I moved hundreds of miles away and didn't know a soul. I tried to make friends with the partners of my husband's friends, but I didn't have anything in common with them. The one time I did feel I'd clicked with one of them, I didn't know how to make the next move.'

'It's so difficult to make new friends,' agrees psychotherapist Leila Collins. 'The trouble is, as you get older you are more demanding about who you want to spend time with.' Which, as we all know, is true. So what do you do when you've broken away from your old-mate network and need a new-friend top-up?

Well, actually there is a tried and trusted method - one you're probably a bit of a dab hand at already. According to Leila Collins, you need to throw yourself back into the dating game. Only not for a partner, but for a friend. 'If you were looking for a long-term relationship with a man, you wouldn't just date one and, if that didn't work out, give up. It's the same with friends - you have to date people and take risks to find a relationship that lasts.' Psychologist Ros Taylor, author of The Ultimate Book Of Confidence Tricks (Vermillion, £7.99) agrees: 'Sometimes, like when looking for a partner, you have to ask yourself if your judgment of the people you normally like is too narrow.' Like having to kiss a lot of frogs to find the right man, you may have to sip a lot of lattes to find the right friend. 'Try younger people, older people,' adds Taylor. 'Just as with men, you never know who you'll hit it off with.'

Of course, we all know that looking for Mr Right can be as easy as trying to find a contact lens in a swimming pool. But to find new friends, all you need to do is follow these simple rules...

You need to throw yourself back into the dating game - not for a man, but for a mate

1 Put yourself out there
When you're single, you have to, for want of a better phrase, put yourself out there. Looking for friends is no different. But going to parties in the bid to meet possible mates only gets more nerve-racking as you get older. Yes, booze can help ease nerves - but don't drink it yourself, serve it. Confidence expert Wendy Bristow, author of Coach Yourself To Confidence (HarperCollins, £7.99) says: 'Hiding behind a role at a party can give you real confidence because you are not just presenting yourself cold to people. Becoming an impromptu hostess allows you to break into all the interesting gatherings in the room, offering people a top-up glass of wine.' If your hunting ground for like-minded people is a book club, evening class or the gym, the conversation ice-breakers psychologists call the F.O.R.E - Friends ('Do you know so and so?'), Occupation ('So where do you work?'), Recreation ('I'd love to try sky diving, have you ever done it?') and Education ('Did you go to University?') - are all neutral subjects that should get you going.

2 Try platonic flirting
Tracey Cox, author of Superflirt (Dorling Kindersley, £12.99) is convinced that flirting is as useful when you are looking for friends, as it is in the search for a partner: 'Flirting shouldn't just be saved for your love life, it can dramatically enhance all your current and future relationships. A good flirt makes people feel good and lets others know they find them interesting.' So it's the eye contact, occasional touch on the arm, head slightly tilted to one side and smile, smile, smile drill. Compliments work too, says Cox, but keep it to just one compliment per attribute or your advances may come across as more than platonic. Once you get talking to someone and feel you've got a few things in common, give them this quick psychological test to see if the friendship is worth bothering with. Come up with a plausible excuse to leave their side for a few minutes. If you're at a party, you could say, 'I'm going to get a glass of wine, would you like another?' If they're keen to keep chatting to you, they'll say yes even if they don't want one. If they say no, unless they're a recovering alcoholic, it's unlikely you're going to be revealing life secrets to each other any time soon. So move on and go flirt with someone else.

3 Take a risk on someone new
Helena Gibson, 32, first met her new friend Sharon at a party. 'We hit if off instantly. I wanted to ask for her number but it just felt too naff.' So what did Helen do? The brave, grown-up thing of looking in the phonebook, calling and saying: 'I had a great time the other night, want to meet up?' No. She waited three months until she bumped into Sharon and then suggested meeting up again. So that's the long way round. Here's the shortcut. Leila Collins says: 'You have to lay yourself open to rejection if you want to move on from acquaintance to friend. Don't play games. The early stages of friendship thrive on honesty.' So if you meet someone and like them, just say so. Ros Taylor adds: 'Avoid desperation. When you're trying to meet new friends, just relax and accept that some people will be happy to invite you into their lives as a friend, and some won't. But remember, when you've made initial contact with someone, it's important not to become a leech relying on them to always ask you everywhere. You have to be proactive in organising events to invite them to.'

4 Dress to not-overly impress
There was always one girl at school that had the fingerless gloves, crimped hair and jelly bags before anyone else. Her eye for fashion was as intimidating as it was alluring. Yet by the time you hoped to wheedle your way into her gang by fashioning your new fingerless gloves, she'd have moved on to lace ones. When dating for new mates, now is not the time to transform yourself into this trendsetter. 'You've got to treat the first night out with a potential friend like you would a man,' says eve's contributing style editor, Jay Hunt. 'That means nothing too sexy, trendy or designer. You could put off a perfectly lovely new friend just because she'll feel she's not stylish enough for you.' Jay recommends sticking to one statement piece, like your best shoes, bag or designer jeans. 'Then,' she says, 'if she's label conscious she'll clock it and it's an easy way to start a conversation. If she's not you won't look so very different from her, putting her instantly at ease.'

5 Be prepared to dump them
When Jane Marcus, 28, found herself the only single girl left in her social circle, she knew she'd have to find a new friend or be forever at the mercy of blind date set-ups at dinner parties. 'Theresa was a friend of a friend who was also single, so we kind of engineered a night out where we could meet. However, even though she was single, that was the only thing we had in common. I preferred my own company to hers and, if it meant staying in more, then so be it.' But wait, says Leila Collins. 'A first date with a man might not be a huge success, but unless it was a disaster, it's worth another try. Like you, they might be shy of new friendships, so give it a chance. Unlike dating men, you don't get a label for being promiscuous with friends. You can have as many as you can handle. You never know, the person may surprise you.' But if you really need to dump them? It's back to the: 'I'm washing my hair' excuse. 'If you can't be honest, become polite but unavailable,' says Collins. 'They'll soon get the message.'