The caveman versus the metrosexual

He's in touch with his emotions, takes care of his appearance and treats the women in his life like princesses, but are many women increasingly rejecting the 'new' man because of their evolutionary instincts?

Stepford husbands, 'new men' and metrosexuals… all are held up as proof of men's progressive attitudes towards women, home, family and personal appearance. However, if you thought we could finally have our cake and eat it, be warned - dating remains the one area where some women have difficulties accepting change.

Sensitive men
Unfortunately for men, women can find the very sensitivity they dream of in their partner off-putting while dating. Rather than helping us to relate better to them, revealing their feminine side during the first stage of attraction can sometimes lead us to dismiss men as weak.

In my case, I had been seeing Luis for a week. He was Puerto Rican and I was attracted to his Latin charm and chivalrous nature, so when he invited me over to his flat for a Valentine's meal, I accepted.

When I arrived, there was soft lighting, slow music playing, and I was greeted with a bouquet of flowers and a poem. It was too much for me. All I had brought was a bottle of wine! It made me feel as though I was the guy in the relationship.

Evolutionary psychology
To men it must seem that girls are never happy. After all, we complain they aren't sensitive and romantic enough, but full blown hand-made cards and red roses on a first date turns us cold.

Although most of us would agree that a man who is romantic and a great cook should be a good thing, Paula Hall, relationship counsellor for Relate, explains: "While we know at head level we want a sensitive, caring mate who will empathise with us, there's a gut instinct telling us we should go for the hairy macho bloke.

"This basically goes back to evolutionary psychology. Women are attracted to the big, strong mate who will give her healthy children and fight off sabre-tooth tigers. A man who is traditionally masculine is more likely to attract us initially."

Obviously, our needs from a relationship have moved on a bit since then. Hairy, macho cavemen don't figure highly on many of our ideal-partner wish-lists, but we may be governed by our instincts more than we think.

Differences between the sexes
"People are denying what they are doing because it is not socially acceptable or politically correct for women to admit they are attracted to status, and men to pretty women. But it is still going on," says John Marshall Townsend, professor of anthropology at Syracuse University, New York.

"Given the choice, most people would probably prefer spouses who are gorgeous and also have impressive careers,' he says. 'But when people are forced to make trade-offs between looks and status, there are dramatic differences between the sexes."

A survey for online dating agency Match.com found that, on a first date, the most important quality for both men and women was a sense of humour, but looks came second place for male respondents, with 18% citing this quality, and only fourth place for women, with 5% choosing it.

Uneasy balance
"The initial attraction for women is power," agrees Judi James, love expert for Match.com. "But power can take different forms. Humour, for example, is a form of power; the ability to be witty and make others laugh made the likes of Woody Allen attractive to women.

"However, today's generation is the first to whom it is natural for the sexes to be equal. They are therefore more able to suppress their deep-seated instincts – although it will always be a struggle between the two.

"It explains why the same woman will often go for very different types of relationship. J-Lo was attracted to Ben Affleck for his success, but her following relationship with Latin singer and long-standing friend Marc Anthony was based on security."

Men in crisis?
Certainly, there is no denying that male attitudes towards women, relationships and domestic life have shifted greatly since the '50s. UK census figures reveal that the number of men happy to be househusbands has rocketed from 445 in 1986 to 21,353 in 2001. Meanwhile men are dressing up in Batman costumes to draw attention to fathers' rights and David Beckham has pioneered sarongs and Alice bands for men.

Prof Nigel Edley, who specialises in masculinity studies at Nottingham Trent University, said: "The reduction in heavy industries and the critical bite of feminism have made being macho much more difficult – at least within the middle classes."

He believes that there is "something of a crisis ongoing in the terms of the meaning of masculinity". He says: "Fifty years ago the issue of how to be a man was relatively straightforward. There was a pretty settled understanding. These days, however, it's much more up in the air."

Women's conflicting expectations from relationships can only add to men's confusion. But don't blame us - it's the evolutionary struggle.

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