Body politics: comparing yourself to other women

We've all looked at another woman and wished for her legs/hair/bum/skin. Why is the grass always greener over there? Maybe the secret is just being happy with the bits you've already got

  Comparing our bodies will get us nowhere

By Sarah Harron

There aren't many among us who haven't compared ourselves unfavourably with another woman. It's an easy trap to fall into. You're feeling a little down on yourself, life isn't going quite the way you'd like, and everything would be better and easier if only you had the body of Elle Macpherson or Jennifer Aniston.

But even 'perfect' movie stars complain – Julia Roberts has said she hates her arms, and Heather Locklear has complained about her 'skinny legs' – and you can bet that they look at the up-and-comings in Hollywood and compare themselves nervously. We all do it.

Why do we do it?
It hardly needs to be said that comparing yourself to other women is destructive and rarely helpful. So why do we insist on torturing ourselves in this way? Experts say it mainly stems from a lack of self-confidence. It could be a regular struggle for you, or just a tiny, nagging, once-in-a-blue-moon feeling, but once someone hits your soft spot it flares up.

Psychologists say that a lack of confidence in your appearance can be a handy way of deflecting criticism from other parts of your life that may not be all you wanted. For example, you're single: it must be because you're too fat; you didn't get that job you wanted: the other candidate was much prettier; the train was late: well, have you seen the size of this bum?!

Kathy, a 35-year-old legal secretary says that for her it can also be a case of self-protection. 'I didn't get the job I interviewed for, and when I got the rejection letter I convinced myself it was because the other candidate was a leggy blonde and the interviewer had thought with his privates and not his head. It made me feel better because I could pretend that I was good enough for the job but that the result was out of my hands.'

How to get over it
Like any bad habit, you can train yourself out of it. All it takes is sticking to a 'positive thinking' plan.

1. Sit down and list your good points. Come on, there are more than you think! Just ask a close friend or your mum, sister or aunt. It could be nice hands, nice shoulders, great hair – anything will do. Now concentrate on those. Just imagine, there may be women who see you every day and think, 'If only I had her hands/shoulders/hair!'

2. Write down those flaws, too. Yes, that bum, that wobbly leg fat, those too-narrow shoulders or too-wide hips. These are your flaws – you wouldn't be you without them!

3. Now here's the fun part: embrace yourself from head to toe. With lists in hand, go one by one and talk to your parts. Tell your silky hair that it's gorgeous, and tell your wide hips that they're wonderful. Verbally embrace your small chin. Congratulate your perfect boobs. Smile and hug that plump belly, and yell encouraging words at your bony knees. Tell your bits that they're great because they're you're bits, they're what makes you… you!

4. Step out with a smile. Make the most of it all. If you've got great boobs, show off your cleavage. Show off that Beyoncé-like booty. Wear something sleeveless. Break out that flirty dress hiding in the back of your wardrobe. Feel genuine ownership of your body - acceptance, not punishment. Walk with confidence.

5. Accept those compliments graciously. When you exude confidence, people will notice. It doesn't matter that your waist isn't as small as theirs – the whole package you're presenting is so good that no one will care about the size of your thighs. So take the compliments and say 'thank you' – not 'oh no, I hate my double chin' or 'but my calves are so skinny' – just say thank you. Take that compliment, absorb it, feel that warm glow of appreciation.

6. Pay a compliment. Now it's time to pass it on. Tell your co-worker she looks fabulous, or the woman at the grocery counter that she has beautiful skin. Let the woman on the bus next to you know that she has gorgeous hair. Tell your sister, mother, aunt, best friend that they look fantastic. Don't hold back – you'll be amazed at the good vibes that come right back to you from those smiling faces.

But the most important thing to remember is, be happy with yourself and what you've got. Accept and embrace, don't punish. And suddenly you'll find that there's more about you to be pleased with than you ever realised.

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