The three most popular lies in the universe are "the cheque's in the post", "I love you" and "of course the earth moved, darling". Allegedly.
In an age of spin and disillusionment no one believes what they read in the papers, politicians seem to lie for a living and even the camera lies, thanks to digital technology. In an ideal world everyone would be honest, but not all the time. Occasionally a little white lie can be a good thing.
"What a beautiful baby!"
For instance, most white newborn babies look like a cross between Winston Churchill and a smacked arse. However, the appropriate response to being presented with someone's cherished infant is: "What a beautiful boy/girl." The uglier the kid, the more important it is to lie.
Likewise, "I love my bridesmaid's dress" is an essential fib even if the mad bride has dressed you as Little Bo Peep on acid. If it is a done deal, you can't let on how ridiculous you feel in her chosen outfit without hurting her feelings. Be warned: brides-to-be are as sensitive as if permanently pre-menstrual with nuclear level emotions. As a wedding guest you are required to lie to the bride - "you look beautiful" is a must, regardless of what she actually looks like. And no matter how much you detest the groom it is incumbent upon you to say, "I hope you'll be very happy together" and look like you mean it.
Other social situations demand a bit of benign deceit. "I'm not really available for dating at the moment" is much kinder than "piss off, loser". And "he's busy that night" is gentler than "he hates you/your boyfriend and would rather lick the floor of an abattoir than come round to dinner at your house".
"Does my bum look big in this?"
Even white lies sometimes have to be qualified. If "no, your bum doesn't look big in that" is a whopper, it should be followed by encouragement into the addition of a mitigating item of clothing, such as a longer jacket or distracting top. If your opinion is being sought prior to purchase, "I don't think that flatters you" is a much more helpful response when your friend's arse looks like it's trying to make a bid for freedom.
"No really, that was lovely, I just had a very late lunch" has been employed by many who have sat down to a painstakingly prepared dinner that a bluebottle would find difficult to digest. Encouragement and a few tactful suggestions will help progress towards more appetising meals. Try to get advance warning of when particularly awful creations are next to be dished up and gently recommend another recipe or a little less salt, chilli, overcooking and so on.
Gritted teeth
When a colleague beats you to a much-desired promotion, "well done, I'm pleased for you" is the noble thing to say. Even if you have to concentrate on ungritting your teeth as you say it. It is also the astute thing to say if your colleague is to become your superior - a little gentle sucking up never hurt anyone.
Honesty has no place in the receiving of unfortunate presents. "How nice of you, thank you" works if the gift is so hideous you can't find anything else to say about it. Anyway, it is the thought that counts, even if that thought appears to have been "I'm going to find the most revolting item in the shopping centre".
Christmas brings forth a torrent of unwanted presents and Christmas provides the most global example of the benevolent white lie. Father Christmas is a big, fat fake, but one that makes millions of small children exceedingly happy.
