Sincerest advance apologies to anyone whose sensibilities are offended by gross generalisations, but the good women of handbag think it's fair to say that we members of the fairer sex are fond of a good natter, aren't we? Well, most of the time that is. There are some things, no matter what, are never easy to discuss with friends, partners and even family. Good thing, then, that we've created this useful guide to help navigate some of conversation's toughest waters.
What do you think of my new boyfriend?
It's funny, isn't it, the way we all desperately want our friends to like/approve of our latest amour de jour. But really, what does it really matter? What we look for in a lover is often very different from what we look for in a friend: it's inevitable that the twain won't always meet.
But unless your worries are grounded in the genuinely negative (addictions, cheating, bullying and the like), this is one situation from which you really should butt out. If you really can't think of anything pleasant to say, turn her question on its head. Ask your friend (nicely!) what it is about her new love that's making her so happy – maybe you'll find out something about him that you can learn to fall in love with a little too. Failing that, just keep reminding yourself that it's she who has to live with him, not you.
Yes, your bum does look big in that
It's not just long-suffering partners who have to deal with this one; the Does My Bum Look query is enough to test even the strongest of friendships. It's surprisingly difficult to be honest about the shortcomings of someone close to you. But before you're tempted to lie, imagine if the tables were turned – surely you'd want an honest answer from a good friend rather than risk heading out looking like Ann Widdecombe on a good day.
It may not be easy, but honesty really is the best policy here – just remember to temper it with a little kindness. So, 'Actually, I think the red one flatters your figure more,' should smoothe the way to a successful outcome, while, 'I saw something in Millets that would be a better fit – it's called a tent,' is an object lesson in what not to do.
I'm sorry for your loss
For all the leaps and bounds we allegedly uptight Brits have made in the most personal of our human interactions, having that first contact with a friend or acquaintance who's recently bereaved often remains intensely awkward. So keep it simple and keep it honest. A heartfelt 'I'm sorry', accompanied by a hug is usually so much more helpful than platitudes about Better Places or, worst of all, allowing your embarrassment to get the better of you and ignoring the event entirely (while if your way of dealing with is to cross the street and pretend you haven't seen her – well then, shame on you!).
By showing you care, and making it clear that the door is open for your friend to talk as little or as much as she needs to, you'll ensure that the conversation flows at her pace. It really isn't what you say – it's the fact that you let her say what she needs to that counts.
I think our relationship's over
No matter how many times you do it, there's never an easy way to say 'I don't'. But before you rush into anything, take the time to consider whether the decision you're making is the right one by setting yourself a time limit to see if things change.
If, after a few weeks or a few months (the length of your grace time should be in direct accordance with the length and seriousness of your relationship) they don't, set aside a specific time to talk to your partner. Avoid Dutch courage or blurting it out in the heat of an argument – you'll only end up saying things you don't mean (or didn't mean to say out loud). Remember, as the breaker-upper, it's up to you to keep things civilised: say what you need to say and accept that you're probably going to get yelled at – a lot! And no post break-up sex, please, no matter how tempting; to paraphrase the song, you'll just keep him hanging on.
Your lifestyle's a little out of control
A tricky one, this: at what point does the party lifestyle become the loser lifestyle? And, perhaps more pertinently, who are we to judge? The answer to the first question is usually when it starts interfering with other aspects of your friend's life – whether that's messing up at home or at work. The answer to the second question's easier still – don't. You're not here to judge your friend; you're here to help her.
Tell her, calmly, what your concerns are. There's no need to come over all Inspector Morse, but do try and have some concrete examples of where you think she's letting herself down to back up your claim. That other people have noticed her getting a little too wild might be all the wake-up call she needs. On the other hand, she might take none too kindly to what she sees as your intrusive behaviour. Remember, no one can get help for wayward behaviour unless they're ready to help themselves. What you can do until then is offer your support and assurances that you're there for her when the time comes.
