Trisha leans across a table in a hip urban bar, tosses her glossy hair over her designer clad shoulder, rests her face in her hands and says: 'No one tells you that being grown up is going to be this hard.'
From a distance she seems to have it all. She is young, attractive and successful. She has a responsible well-paid job, a good figure, great clothes, an active social life and a couple of close friends. But at 27, Trisha is confused, lonely, self-doubting and tired.
Welcome to the quarter-life crisis. Twentysomething authors Alexandra Robbins and Abby Wilner chronicled this phenomenon in their book, Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties. The twenties have become an increasingly common life-crisis stage, full of self-doubt and anxiety. The idea that women today can and should 'have it all' has turned what we've been told should be a glorious wealth of opportunity into a terrifying confusion of too many choices and too much pressure.
The pressure of having it all
Society's expectations of young women and young women's own expectations are far greater than in previous generations. Never before have women had so many choices, so many opportunities or so much freedom. And never before have we been under so much pressure to make use of that scope to have it all.
A good job isn't good enough; it's got to be a career. And it has to be well paid, exciting, glamorous, important or all of the above. You've got to be a stellar performer and committed to your work, but it can't take over because you've also got to have an incredible social life and a complex web of intimate relationships. A good friend or two doesn't cut it. You must have a group of soul mates with which you share everything. And you've got to have the kind of relationship you want with the perfect man. Meanwhile you've also got to be slim, attractive, fit, sexy and sexually voracious.
No wonder twentysomethings like Trisha are tyrannised by 'shoulds'. She acknowledges that she's doing well compared to many people and says she 'should be happy'. She also feels that she 'should' have a better work/life balance; she 'should' have a more meaningful job; she 'should' get out and meet people more; she 'should' make more of an effort to find a partner.
Like many women in the grip of a quarter-life crisis, she feels locked into life expectations not entirely of her own choosing - but doesn't know what she wants. Just because in this day and age you can have it all, doesn't mean that you necessarily want it all or even know which bits you do want.
Figuring out what you really want
If you feel cut adrift in a sea of choices, you are far from alone. Finding out what you want is a process that takes time for most people - it is rarely a moment of epiphany. One's goals and desires evolve in response to experience and circumstance. You don't have to have a career plan, a life plan and certain knowledge of what you'll be doing in five year's time. You're allowed to make decisions now and change your mind later. And you don't have to rush into anything.
You may feel you don't know where to start figuring out what's important to you. None of the following suggestions will provide instant answers - it doesn't work like that - but they will give you a few pointers:
Take time out to think about what you enjoy doing. Ask yourself what makes you happy and feel good about yourself. When was the last time you felt happy? What were you doing? Who were you with? What was the last thing you did that gave you a sense of satisfaction and why? What gives you a sense of achievement? It doesn't matter how far back you have to go or how silly your answers may seem. It's about working out what makes you feel good. Reflect on your strengths. Ask yourself what you are good at and think about all your positive attributes. And I mean all of them. Think about what work means to you. Is how much you earn more important than what you do? Or is it the other way around? Is it a status thing? Is it a means to an end - a way of funding your lifestyle? How much of your sense of self worth is dictated by your job? How ambitious are you? How hard do you want to work and how hard are you prepared to work? If you could work because you wanted to and not because you had to, what sort of thing might you do? Imagine yourself 20 years from now and ask yourself what you would regret not having done. Write a list of goals, big and small, that you'd like to accomplish over your life. Anything from 'learn more about wine' to 'live in Italy for a year'. Over time, sift through these goals to see which ones are most important to you. Be mindful of whether a goal is a 'should' or a 'yes, this is really something I want to do for me.' They may change over time, but this list can be a starting point for pondering what's most important to you. Give yourself time to work out what you want and remember that plans are not supposed to be sticks with which to beat yourself.
So, Trisha is talking about giving it all up for a bit and going travelling for a year to get her head straight. And don't forget that's one of the wonderful things about being in your 20s: you can just bugger off if you feel like it and figure it all out later.
