Yes, we've all been there, struggling with the rights and wrongs of exactly when and how to come, and we feel the worse for it because we're sure the whole thing should be incredibly simple. So why isn't it?
Most couples who have serious trouble with this kind of problem find that once a pattern is set between them, it's often incredibly hard to change their orgasming habits. It's as if you've both agreed that this is the way you do it. If one of you isn't happy, grudges can develop and sex can soon go right off the boil. So, if you're not content with the orgasm etiquette in your relationship, can you do anything about it before it becomes damaging to your relationship? The answer is yes, but you're going to have to work at it actively.
One of the most frequently occuring grievances for women in the etiquette of coming is that they give in to the seemingly more urgent needs of their partners, let them come first and end up unsatisfied. Women often feel a huge pressure to make sure their partner comes - without him coming, they see sex as a failure. But of course, sex without the prospect of an orgasm for you quickly becomes a total drag, you lose interest and your bloke becomes dissatisfied with his unenthusiastic partner. Bad news.
What's needed here is for you to turn things on their head and make sure you come first for a while - no matter what! If necessary, take charge of the situation and use your own hand to orgasm. And don't do it on the sly - make sure he knows what you're up to. If you tend to come quietly and he might not notice, tell him you've come, and tell him how horny it makes you to come in front of him, too. It's surprising how arousing a bloke can find this after being with a woman who's shown no interest for ages. Once you feel he's getting the idea that you need your orgasms, you can go back to letting him come first now and then - but don't let the old pattern dominate, and if it starts to, take charge again.
Okay, so how about when you've come and he hasn't, but he's taking an age over it? It may be that you simply need to change positions, or find a new position to excite him. Have a look at the good old sex bible, The Joy Of Sex (£12.99, Mitchell Beazley), before you next make love and spring a new position on him. This often speeds up sluggish blokes. But if he's on the job... and it's taking for ever... and you¹re shattered... sometimes honesty is simply the best policy. Tell him you're tired and that you need to sleep. Don't feel guilty about it - there will be other times, great times, when you really prioritise his coming. Sometimes, he might even want to stop. You could cuddle him to relax and encourage him to play with himself a bit - it's so much nicer for him to feel he can do this openly rather than in secret when you're asleep.
Another way of tackling the problem of who comes first is to take on the challenge of coming together. Contrary to popular opinion, simultaneous orgasms do not only occur in front of film crews in Hollywood. It's not as hard to come together as you might think and it really does feel wonderful to lie back together in a post-orgasmic stupor. One tactic that can really help with coming together is talking dirty. Look into each other's eyes as you warble obscenities of imagined lust, build the horniness up and up and up, and once one of you senses that the other is about to fall over the edge - let go! You can also bring a vibrator in to help even out the pace of your orgasms - use the vibrator on whoever is slower to come - these really can speed up arousal. If he's the one who's slower, try giving his backside some attention with the vibrator, or let him give your breasts some attention with it while you make love.
Above all, be kind. Accusations of 'You're so selfish!' won't help, no matter how angry you feel. Instead of getting aggressive, the key to getting over these problems is to take responsibility for your own happiness and find a way of making it work without making him feel upset. And remember, making someone come is a skill, and is something that you should both take pride in and work on - but it's work that should be fun and, ultimately, very satisfying.
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