Picture the scene: four thirtysomething women are sitting around a table at a local restaurant catching up on the week's news and gossip. Three are in long-established relationships and the other is about to move in with her partner after a three-month whirlwind romance. Inevitably, as the third bottle of wine is drained, the conversation turns to sex. When was the last time you got any?, asks the soon-to-be-shacked-up friend, concerned that sharing the bills will have a negative impact on sharing her bed.
The others groan. Two admit to an average six weeks since they last got it on with their long-term partners, the other reveals it was two nights ago. None of the three women is happy about it though – the six-weekers would like sex more often while their hooked-up friend would prefer it if her 'constantly up for it' husband would stop pestering her and allow her to make the first move every once in a while. All of which leads the first one to make a promise – whatever happens she will never, she vows, get involved in sexual power struggles. Her friends laugh grimly – she'll learn.
Getting it on
As anyone who's ever been in a long-term relationship knows, once the first flush of hormone-driven can't-keep-my-hands-off-you sex is over (at somewhere between the 18-month to three-year mark according to the experts) there's a good chance that the having and withholding of sexual favours will become one of a couple's chief balancing acts.
But is it really any wonder that this is the case? After all, sex drives the initial intensity of a relationship and it's easy to tell ourselves that the more in synch our passions are, the more connected to one another we are emotionally. So it's hardly surprising that when a couple's sexual synch goes off kilter, it can feel like so much else is going with it and the sense that the person who rules in the bedroom also rules emotionally is born.
Of course it's inevitable that there will be times when one half of a couple feels more like sex than the other and it's important to try to ensure that, as the natural ebb and flow of desires occurs, one half of the couple doesn't feel as if they're losing their emotional footing entirely.
Who's zooming who?
Natural libido issues aside, there are all kinds of external factors that will affect a couple's internal world. With Britons still working the longest business hours in Europe, for example, work pressures feature highly as a source of stress for many relationships. And bear in mind that individuals who seek power in the boardroom may be after it in the bedroom too. Not easy if both partners are of the dominant alpha type: far from levelling the sexual playing field, their innate competitiveness may lead to a stand-off as each partner struggles to take the lead.
Not that sexual power is just about how much sex you're having and when. One of the friends in our dinner-based control group, for example, has a boyfriend who refuses to kiss her on the mouth during sex. He just doesn't like it, he tells her, ignoring the fact that she does. Another of our friends keeps her Rampant Rabbit proudly displayed on her bedside table, even though she knows her boyfriend would prefer she didn't because, at her insistence, it's employed to be used for her pleasure by her alone.
Whether they admit to it or not, these acts have become a symbol of who holds the sexual power in these couples' relationships. If they were after something more balanced, individuals who are aware that they're behaving in ways that make their partners unhappy would negotiate a path that worked for them both; the fact they don't puts such individuals where they want to be – in control.
Finding the balance
Sex has been about power since a certain snake enticed Eve to show Adam her apples in the Garden of Eden long ago, but the fact remains that for one person to feel sexually powerful the other must, ultimately, feel powerless – hardly the basis for a mutually satisfying relationship, is it?
However, it's worth remembering that those tussles for sexual power probably reflect a struggle for emotional power elsewhere. As nuggets of advice go, they may be so old as to have started growing whiskers, but the C-words (communication and compromise) really are key. Tell each other what you each feel and want, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable – if your partner can't (or won't) understand what you're feeling (or vice versa), then perhaps you have wider relationship issues to address. A couple of sessions with a good relationship counsellor (visit Relate for more information) could be just the kick-start you need.
Sex is a vital part of any good relationship, but what happens (or fails to happen) in the bedroom doesn't have to become a metaphor for the rest of your life together. Remove the stress for a night or three by agreeing to simply enjoy sex – and each other – for what it is and you might be pleasantly surprised to find that it becomes a pleasure rather than a pressure again. On the other hand, you might find the best way to exorcise your issues over sexual control is to exercise them in the bed rather than the head – a little role-play, it has been said, can go a long, long way.
