Sex tips :: sex on the beach

There is something undeniably sexy yet undeniably controversial about sex on the beach. An environment long associated with illicit sandy liaisons, the type of steamy encounter that only seems acceptable because your current beachside location required a passport to get you there and happy hour is apparently every hour, yet for some, the idea of rolling around in the sand is a sure fire turn-on. To help make our minds up about this hotly contested debate, we turned to the beach experts over at Beach Tomato , writer and pro sexual-sandy-liaison Victoria Garo-Falides and writer, editor and sand, sea, sex no way campaigner Chris Bell.

Risk it! says Victoria Garo-Falides
Prudes, OAPs and pant ironers; it's these brackets of people who bore away from a spot of al fresco action. You may think a seaside dollop of Hide The Saucisson will end in a load of sandy, salty, er, sticky bother, but there's nothing like seeing stars to get you, indeed, seeing stars. In life, a multitude of things are better done outside; dancing, beers, BBQs, bunk-ups... with this in mind, you can't let a sandy bap or salty meatball scare you off. Of course, it's not always (scrap that, ever) going to be on a passionate par with a Helena Christensen/Chris Isaak-style monochromed meat feast, but who cares? Everyone likes a tryer. Of course, to make sure your fruity fumble goes to plan, check you're not going to get caught red handed (and faced).
One summer's night in Italy, a young lady met a rather dishy local chap. Several vineyards later, the inebriated girl and boy – let's call them Maureen and Paulo – decided to stumble along the nearby beach. Things heated up and soon the pair were planking under the twinkly sky on a rather handy sunlouger. A few bump and grinds later mid foreign/penne-shaped oat sewing, they were blinded by a mega-watt torch and the angry face of a security guard peeing all over their pervy parade. One clumsy bid for freedom ensured every orifice was caked in sand as they ran off mortified, hysterical into the night, with an unrivalled sense of freedom (a bit like when you swim sans birthday suit).
We, I mean, Maureen and Paulo didn't regret a thing. My advice to you? Embrace this romping madness. If you're not prepared to get a bit of sand in your hair, then you're certainly not prepared for anything else.

A sandy disaster awaits argues Chris Bell
Beaches, it's true, are extremely seductive places. From the warm, inviting sand and fiery sunsets, to the fragrant coastal zephyrs and slow, sensual lapping of waves – they're thick with sexual connotation. Add a few cocktails, maybe a discreet hollow in the dunes, and the whole thing's a spontaneous penetration powderkeg. So you can understand why couples (or even the freshly-acquainted) might see it as the perfect venue to get their rocks off. Perhaps over there, where the rocks are.
So here's a tip from my personal experience: don't. Because of all the aspirational human activities – even ahead of eating lobster, or buying a Ferrari – this is easily the most vastly-overrated.
Look at what it involves. Sand, for one. Lots of it. Imagine the worst bodily crevices possible in which to thrust tiny, sharp fragments of coarse grained rock – and I promise you: have sex on a beach and you might as well be grinding it in with a pestle. Get round that problem, and there's more to come. Like, for instance, the boner-killing proximity of children playing. Or my realisation that everyone else has done it there – just as I accidentally knelt on a discarded prophylactic.
And all for what? Two minutes of knee-scratchingly uncomfortable coitus – before the inevitable attack by wasp/sandfly makes you both scream and withdraw, angry and frustrated. How the early human race survived in places like Hawaii or Tenerife, we'll never know.
If God has meant us to procreate on a beach, he would have given us flippers, an egg sac and a retractable phallic-shaped green head. One with an expression of constant surprise. But then again if He had, it would be even harder to pull.
No wonder, in fact, that they named a cocktail after it. Sex on the beach: far better in theory than reality, unhealthily pink and can leave a nasty taste in your mouth.

What do you reckon? Ready to give it a go? Get some practice in with our best sex tips ever and limber up with our top 20 sex positions.