Saucy texts, outrageous emails, intimate instant messages – if it's rude and you can type it, you've probably sent it. But personalised erotica and declarations of desire wrapped in a hand-written envelope are a completely different matter. Love letters are keepsakes to treasure. Forget technology, it's so passé. The future of seduction is all about teasing, pleasing and tantalising with only the strokes of a pen.
Novel approach
To score top marks for your kinky composition you'll need to set aside some serious time for study, but stick to best-selling erotic author Mitzi Szereto's tips for setting the mood and it shouldn't be too much of a strain. 'There's always the requisite glass of wine,' she says. 'And a bit of quality reading beforehand will jump-start things and help to fire up the erotic cells in the brain. Some sexy music never goes amiss either.' So pour the Merlot, sling on the Goldfrapp and remember: it's not idle reading, it's very important research.
The write stuff
Brain bulging with info? It's time to get down to business, but the tools for the job really matter: you can be as sexy as Dita von Teese, but if your erotic note comes scrawled on the back of a Tesco receipt the reaction will be more bemused than burlesque. Time to flex that credit card with stationery that shows its class as much as you do. For ultra posh (and personalised) try Smythson of Bond Street, for affordable posh, visit your nearest Paperchase. Next, ditch the biro for something that screams grown-up glamour. Only ink will do, preferably in a sensuous colour and flowing from a vintage fountain pen.
First word jitters
So you've done the homework and bought the paper, but you can't think of a single thing to say – or anything you could actually bring yourself to write, because you feel too self-conscious. Don't panic. Remember the last time you had completely spontaneous, marvellous and different sex? Just write about that. And as Mitzi says, 'Don't worry about the ghost of your late grandmother peering over your shoulder when you write. Chances are old gran could've clued you in on a few tricks of her own, if only you'd been smart enough to ask.'
Mind your language
Creating a letter beautiful enough to keep means learning the difference between horny and corny. 'Don't write the first thing that enters you head,' Mitzi says. 'If it came too quickly then it's probably some horrible hackneyed prose that you've read in a skin rag or low-end smut novel. Corny often happens because a writer's either indulging in a bit of self-censoring or else resorting to pulp romance prose. Write as if you are creating art, albeit with a lot of steam to it.' And think about the language you're using. What might sound great spoken aloud can seem beyond ugly written on the page. Ramp up the raciness as far as you dare, but leave enough to the imagination that your lover can have some input too. 'I think knowing how much is too much is largely a matter of developed intuition, which comes from experience and being as well-read as possible,' Mitzi says. 'There's a general rule in art that less is more. This applies to erotica as well. Nothing's worse than overkill. It's boring and repetitive. You should seduce your reader and leave them wanting just that little bit more.'
Bedside manners
Now you've got style and substance in your writing, you can use it as a handy tool to get what you want in bed. Sex therapist Jennie Hitchens says that communication is crucial between lovers. 'He's not a mind-reader; what worked for his ex may not work for you, but he won't just know that if you don't tell him.' But before you start scribbling your wish list, banish all negative words from your pen. The way to get what you want isn't by telling him his current technique is rubbish. Begin sentences with 'I love it when…' and try to inspire rather than demand. 'A lover who has his skills knocked won't be confident enough to try what you want him to because he'll feel useless,' says Jennie. So progress from writing about the best sex you ever had to the sex you're currently dreaming about, making him the co-star in your perverse plot, then let your life imitate your art.
How to write his pants off
Get home early and lay a paper trail of love notes leading to the bedroom where you'll be waiting with your favourite toy and two chilled glasses of bubbly
Write your own aphrodisiac menu – to be eaten off each other
Blow the budget: Have a courier hand-deliver a love note asking him to meet you in a specific room of the hotel nearest his office at lunchtime
Slip a love letter inside his Sunday paper and deliver it to him personally in bed – chances are he won't get round to reading the paper
Drop him a seductive line, then ask him to write a reply – the act of penning porn can arouse the author just as much as the reader
Expert inspiration
Scarlet's Cliterature editor Emily Dubberley shares her favourite passionate prose
For evocative description: 'I live in a sort of furnace of affections, loves, desires, inventions, creations, activities and reveries.' Anaïs Nin, Fire: From A Journal of Love: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin 1934-1937 (Harvest)
For non-PC sexiness: 'O was aware of the splendour of her mouth, of its beauty, since her lover deigned to enter it, since he deigned to make a spectacle of its caresses, since he deigned to shed his seed in it.' Pauline Reage, The Story of O (Corgi Adult)
For flattery: 'Letizia has an angelic face and lovely fleshy lips. Beneath her belly I saw a sweet island where one might land, lush and jagged, fragrant and sensual.' Melissa P, One Hundred Strokes of the Brush Before Bed (Serpent's Tail)
For orgasmic description: '… your eyes are clenched with the warm flooding wet and you scissor on the bed and arch your back, trying to squeeze the last shudders out or prolong them, you know not what, and still the implosions shoot through your belly and then soften and stop and you can't move, you're drained, all you can do is lie on the bed and laugh, in shock.' Anonymous, The Bride Laid Bare (Harper Perennial)
For pure decadence: 'Give yourself over to absolute pleasure, swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh, erotic nightmares beyond any measure and sensual daydreams to treasure forever.' Richard O' Brien, The Rocky Horror Picture Show
From the April '06 issue of Scarlet magazine
