By Meryl Cubley
According to Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernières, "Love is not breathlessness, excitement, the promulgation of promises of eternal passion... love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away." Which may have been true in WW2, but back in the 21st century - what really happens when the first flush of love fades? When we discover the inevitable differences between ourselves and our partner and that expectations, needs and desires are not being met, we feel disappointed and hurt. It's easy to think ‘this isn't what I signed up for' and wonder where the man we fell in love with has gone. We decide that this is not our soulmate after all, end the relationship and begin a new search for ‘the one'.
The attitude that if it's not working then ditch it, has dominated women's views on relationships over at least two generations. Living in a world of accelerating change, we have learnt to keep our options open and postpone commitment - sometimes indefinitely - if we feel the partners we choose are continually failing us.
But should we really be giving up so easily? Bridie Collins, relationship counsellor and spokesperson for Marriage Care, says that couples in the 21st century need to be savvier about their relationships than previous generations. "When things go wrong, couples today have no traditional constraints such as religion and social pressures to hold them together, hence the ever-growing demand for relationship counselling services," she says.
"Making a relationship work in the 21st century is a delicate balancing act, respecting each other's needs for both independence and intimacy. It requires mutual dedication to make happiness a priority but to work through the difficulties together." And the research suggests it is worth the trouble to hang on in there during the tough times. "Recent studies have shown that couples who work through conflict are happier five years later, while those who parted regretted splitting up and were no happier as a result," says Collins.
The current economic climate is also putting extra pressure on relationships, according to life coach and author of Self Mapping, Brian Mayne. "The rising tide of debt, growing uncertainties in the workplace and fear of repossession will stress many relationships to breaking point in 2009," he says, which makes for rather gloomy reading. Yet he points out that there are ways to ensure your relationship survives the crunch. "Open communication and commitment is crucial," Mayne advises, "As is choosing to focus on the positive rather than negative qualities of your partner, and being grateful that you have each other."
Trudy Hill, a psychologist and relationship expert who runs a matchmaking and coaching service, Seventy Thirty, says that for a relationship to succeed in the 21st century, each partner should see a niche and role for themselves, feel useful, needed and appreciated. Having clear goals for what we want out of life and being honest with ourselves is paramount says Trudy. "By establishing clear relationship goals a person knows what they are looking for in a partner and can focus their attention and effort towards finding the right person."
She goes on to say, "Chemistry and attraction in long-term relationships is less based around the evolutionary factors. Staying with someone longer term is very different to what makes us enter into a relationship and fall in love. Women are extremely social creatures and we want someone that we can communicate with, someone who can stimulate our minds." She also says, "We want dedicated, faithful partners who support and respect us and value the strength of two people working together. Sex and chemistry are very important, but we need partners who we can feel both a physical and an emotional attraction to."
Personally I have yet to meet a man who has all of the qualities Trudy describes as desirable for the 21st century - surely you would need at least three of them? But in hard times like these maybe a little less judgment and a little more kindness is what's needed to make for happier relationships and for love to survive. It's at least worth a try.
