By Fiona Fraser
If you're like me, you think it's pretty cool that you and your man have made it past the two-year mark without scratching each other's eyes out. And again, if you're like me, you watch that old couple on your street shuffle hand in hand to the bus stop each morning and wonder what it is that has kept them together 30, 40, or maybe even 50 years.
Some women are happiest seeing a fresh new bod in their bed each morning – others prefer to wake up to the same laugh lines, crooked teeth and scaly feet every day of their lives. I spoke to three women to determine what has made their long-term relationships last.
Sophie and Tom
Sophie has been with Tom for eight years, and they married almost a year ago. Forthright Sophie says she knew very early on in the relationship that science-mad Tom was "one of a kind" and very special to her. "I knew he was quite unlike anyone else I had ever met. As well as being really attracted to him, there was the fact that he was really open and honest – a welcome change from most boys in their early twenties!"
The relationship grew stronger and deeper over the years that followed and now, says Sophie, it's so great that there is literally "nothing I can think of that could possibly improve our relationship."
So what's the secret? "I love Tom – he's generous, intelligent and sexy. Although we don't consciously do anything special to maintain our relationship, we do spend lots of time together, have friends in common and all that sort of thing. We also try to spend a fair bit of time apart, which is important to both of us. And recently we've had to learn to focus on and talk constructively about important issues like shared finances."
Valerie and James
Valerie and James have been married for an impressive 34 years. Valerie says she "adored James from the start" and attributes some of their success as a couple to a shared set of values. "Although I was from a Jewish mother and Anglican father and James was Presbyterian-raised, we had similar values. We also made some early decisions about balancing our lives and spending time together rather than being 100% devoted to children."
Raising two children and having a hands-on relationship with their first grandchild has contributed towards an even stronger bond between Valerie and her partner. Valerie says it's this sense of shared history with her husband that has helped them stay close. "We have a lot of personal history now and we've been through some tragic times together. Having the kids away from home gave us a chance to develop our own lifestyle too – but this doesn't mean we do everything together. I love ballet - James doesn't. He falls asleep during concerts, and hates balls and parties because the music is too noisy. So we have learned to compromise."
A sense of humour, too, is important. "James is dry, mine is more open." And is the physical attraction still there? "I always thought he had a great body," winks Valerie, "and I still do!"
Jane and Christopher
Jane met Christopher 25 years ago when she was in her early 30s. The early part of their relationship was based on a strong physical attraction. "It was the grand passion of it all! I didn't think about it lasting or not," says Jane.
Many years later the couple is still together and thriving on their shared interests. "We've always shared a sense of humour and the same values, which are both essential, I think. And we thoroughly enjoy each other's company, so we don't ever feel like we have to make any special effort to spend time together."
Still, it's never plain sailing all of the time. "Yes, there have been times when the longevity of our relationship has been threatened," laughs Jane. "We are both very strong people and can be feisty and stubborn. But our basic enjoyment and understanding of each other has got us through the bad times."
So, what's the key to success? "Laziness!" asserts Jane. "It's much easier to stay together than break up! And anyway, we don't want to be with anyone else, so it must be love…"
Five steps to a brilliant relationship
There are always going to be rocky patches in any relationship. Here's some help to get you through the tough times.
1.Talk. Lots. And often. It might seem like a cliché, but communication is key.
2.Choose your battles. Think carefully about the things that really do upset you before you rush headfirst into an argument, rather than picking on every teeny tiny irritating thing.
3.Learn how to say sorry. It's an important part of moving on after an argument, and making up can be a real bonus in more ways than one!
4.Play together, stay together. Plan activities that you both enjoy. Take time together, without distraction, as often as you are able.
5.Maintain a physical relationship. You might not be shagging like bunnies at every opportunity like you used to, but be sure to share lots of kisses and cuddles and schedule the odd duvet day together. Sex is a very strong glue and many say it is key to a healthy, sustainable relationship.
Thou shalt obey! The Ten ComMANdments
How to make your man more romantic
Get more relationship advice on cosmopolitan.co.uk
