Breaking up is never easy, which might explain why a trial separation is a more appealing proposition for couples in crisis (or good, old-fashioned relationship ennui). But you need to think very carefully about what any break-up – no matter how temporary – means.

Reading from the same page
It's all too easy to find yourself saying 'po-tar-to' while your partner says 'pa-tay-to' when it comes to the thorny question of a trial separation. If, for example, one partner wants to walk while the other hopes to make things work, the proposition of some time apart offers a fair opportunity for delusion on both sides – as the former envisions a period of gentle, hopefully tear-free, extrication from romance (it is, after all, far easier, to say 'see you later' than it is to say 'goodbye'), the latter is imagining using the time to rekindle your love. It's vital, therefore, that you're both clear about why you're separating and what that really means to you both long term.

If, on the other hand, you're serious about re-evaluating your past and potential future together, you might consider undergoing some couples counselling as a way to show your commitment to the relationship during your separation. At the very least it's worth taking the time to set a few things straight before you go your separate ways. Talk frankly about your reasons for spending time apart, and discuss what you each see as the best- and worst-case outcomes of your split.

Laying the foundations
Set yourselves some ground rules to help avoid any nasty surprises when (or, indeed, if) you're reunited. These might include:
Not making assumptions as to the outcome of your time apart
Agreeing to accept the other's decision, whatever it might be
Deciding whether or not you can see other people and how far any physical relationship can go
Setting a time limit on your trial split, at which point you must decide whether or not to reunite
How much contact you'll have. And so on...

Making rules gives you boundaries, but it also gives you a sense that you're still working on something together. If you or your partner isn't willing to make – and stick to – some rules, it could be that you're not committed to the separation (and, by extension, the relationship) in the same way.

Coping with hurt
Of course, not every trial separation can be approached in such a carefully balanced way. Affairs are never easy to work out and the prospect of time apart to lick your wounds and gain some much-needed head space can seem like a godsend. But it's all too easy for damaged relationships to enter a kind of limbo space where nothing is really confronted and therefore nothing is really resolved. All of this might be appealing in the short term, but over time it will only stop you from moving on with your life.

Trial separations are tricky; approached properly, they give a couple the time to take stock and hopefully reunite stronger than they were before. But for many people they're a last resort and it's best not to kid yourself about what you're letting yourself in for. The clue's in the name – 50% of what's on offer is a separation, plain and simple. And for all too many of us, there's no way back from one of those.

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