Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you're dead to all but the one you're with, but there is a difference between an appreciation of the opposite sex and plain disrespect.
Men will always check out other women just as women will always check out other men. However, the difference is that we are slightly more subtle about it, and don't sit there obviously gawking with our tongues practically hanging out.
Male eyeballs swivel as if hypnotised to view the cleavage of passing totty and may only briefly register the face of its owner. There's even an urban myth that gazing at breasts makes men live longer! Most women can deal intellectually with the roving male eye, or RME, but find it difficult to emotionally deal with what you could call the mesmerising effect of breasts. You can hardly feel jealous of a disembodied woman but that doesn't mean that it isn't insensitive that he's apparently lusting after someone else's breasts – and if you're emotionally involved with the man – it's going to hurt.
The annoying truth is that no matter how truly wonderful he might be in other ways, at some point you will have to confront RME. Most men do it and can't seem to help themselves. The question is, how do you deal with it?
Are you serious about him
If it's a short-term thing, then why fret? Enjoy the moment, have fun with the bloke and don't worry about it. Let him enjoy other women and you other men. But if you're serious about the guy and have deeper feelings for him, you need a way out of RME deadlock. If the level of commitment from both sides is high, it's a good idea to sit down and talk about the issue.
Is he ogling or leching
To clarify: ogling is giving an appreciative glance; leching is more obvious, shameless behaviour, such as stopping in the street and turning round to get a better view of a passing woman. It may involve making comments.
Let's face it, all men have an eye for a pretty face and a toned body. An attractive face naturally turns heads. So though ogling is a royal pain in the backside (and there's another body part with a mesmerising effect on men), it still falls under the 'OK' heading. But all-out leching is completely unacceptable. If your man indulges in a spot of ogling from time to time, learn to face it or move on. However, if he's leching, and rather often, then you're perfectly entitled to turn the tables on him. Warning: The guy who consistently leches at your friends in your company (usually whilst obviously ignoring you) is really a non-starter. Move on immediately.
Be sure you aren't over-reacting
His roving eye could be a figment of your imagination if you are overly possessive. Before you do the talking be sure you aren't blowing an occasional turn of his head into fully fledged physical infidelity. Ask a (trusted) friend if she thinks your boyfriend's behaviour is disrespectful – her idea of what constitutes as unacceptable behaviour may be different to yours – but this can help you gain some perspective if you suspect that your view of the situation may be linked to your own insecurities.
Explain the problem
Do this in a calm. controlled way, preferably not straight after an ogling/leching incident. Men hate nagging and we hate being cast in the role of harassing harpy, so ask your boyfriend, in a reasonable tone, not to be so obvious because you don't like it. You're not being silly, he is; but it's impossible to rationalise a reflex. Don't let unnecessary emotional baggage like any lingering insecurity divert you from your point – and avoid screaming matches. It's important that you stay in control of the situation, the idea here is simply to get the point across and help sort the matter out.
Tell him what bothers you and why, explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask him how he would react if you did the same and state that it makes you look like a fool in front of others. If he cares for you, he will understand and try to control his RME at least to some extent.
Don't fall for corny excuses
If your man comes up with the most likely response: he has to check out other women to re-establish that you're the best for him, don't accept it. If he really loves you, he doesn't need to constantly re-affirm it - and definitely not by leching at other women. Laugh it off and demand a smarter explanation or recognition that his behaviour is unacceptable. And if his excuse is that he can't help it, point out that he's a grown-up who should be in control of his behaviour. And if he's that much of a slave to his RME, you might want to consider whether you want to be with such a man.
Your last resort – the goose and gander approach
If, after you've talked to him about it, he continues to size up other women in front of you, go for the goose and the gander approach, otherwise known as giving him a taste of his own medicine. Next time you're out and about together and he starts up his Wonderbra appreciation campaign – mirror his behaviour – female style. Make flirty eye contact with other men, pass appreciative comments, drool a little, hang on their every word, laugh at their jokes… you get the idea.
When he asks you about it – which if he cares a jot about you he should – let your eyes wander again, before smiling at him lovingly as if he's just come back into focus. A vague, 'Sorry darling, what was that?', should get him making a bit of a fuss, at which stage you can laugh it off and say you're only joking/it doesn't mean anything/he's the one you really want. This should sound familiar to him, although you may have to point out the parallel. So with a little drop of psychology, the lesson should be learnt, if not the first time, then definitely after two or three occasions. Meanwhile, enjoy the flirting and if the RME is still not gone… make sure you are.
