By Linsey Tower
You'd rather go to bed with a good book than go to bed with him
Can you remember the last time you rode him like a cowboy or stayed up all night having orgasm after orgasm? No? Oh dear. If your sex life has got so boring that you find more joy in returning to your book (chapter nine was compelling by the way) than slipping into some saucy new underwear and seducing him into the bedroom then this is bad news.
You no longer make mental notes of things you can buy him for his birthday
Journalists all over the world behold because when it comes to our boyfriend’s birthday we are on the case; expert clue hunters, super sleuths who will stop at nothing to discover exactly what present he’d like most in the world. But - hold the phone - his birthday is next week and you haven’t got him anything! The conclusion here is obvious and you don’t need a private eye to tell you why you’re no longer giving him a second thought.
He's more hmmm than helloooo to you now
Bow chicka wow wow – that’s your boyfriend’s theme tune – ringing through your ears each time you look at him. He is yum: rocking your world, floating your boat, cream in your coffee delicious! Under no circumstances should you question your fella’s hotness or how much you’re attracted to him, and if you are then it’s going to take more than a new deodorant to sort your troubles out.
You would rather work late every night than go home
Is the heavy weight of a mountain of paperwork more appealing to you than your own man? Would you rather go into work early than take full advantage of your fella's good morning glory? Are you spending more evenings in the office with Jim, the night security man, than at home? If you've answered yes to any of the above then your relationship needs more than a performance appraisal - it needs to be given the sack.
His calls or text don't make you smile anymore
Remember the good old days when you would frantically check your phone to see if he’d text? The excitement you’d experience from his phone calls? Well, you should still feel all warm inside at seeing his name on your phone now. Hearing from your boyfriend needs to bring a sprinkling, hell an avalanche, of joy into your otherwise boring day and if it doesn’t then it’s probably time to cut the contact altogether.
You accidentally snog random men
It’s the third Saturday in a row that you’ve woken up with a guilty conscience (and it’s not because of the dirty kebab you ate on the way home) no, the cheeky snog you had with the random guy from the bar might have something to do with it though! Why does this keep on happening to you? Answer: you’re hungering for some steamy loving but the big problem is that it’s not from him indoors anymore.
You stop shaving
It’s a jungle down there… everywhere… you know it, he knows it, but the thing is you just don’t care! If you’ve totally lost the will to keep your legs as smooth as Danny Zuko or your bikini line as trimmed as any prize winning hedge then you’ve got troubles lady. Looking hot for your man is all part of the fun but if it’s become just another chore then you need to get out.
You stop planning for the future
Every woman dreams about the day when she can slip on the big white dress, marry that tall, dark handsome man and have his babies - but lately you’ve stopped looking at your fella in that way. Instead you find yourself reminiscing about how much fun you used to have being single, going out every night with the girls, drinking dirty martinis and giving your number out to inappropriate men! Sigh - good times.
You've started stalking your ex on Facebook
OK, every girl likes to check in on their ex now and then to see how he’s doing, how he’s looking, who he might be seeing but rather than performing your annual nose you’ve been on his page every other day like some crazy stalker. Do you find yourself looking at his pictures and wondering what might have been? If so, then it’s time to be honest with yourself and admit that you wouldn’t be doing this if you were truly happy.
You cringe when he says 'I love you'
If a shiver runs down your spine when he says these three words and a little bit of vomit creeps up into your mouth then the warning signs don’t come any bigger than this! Him saying, ‘I love you,’ is meant to make your heart melt like butter and your uterus start popping the champagne, but if this isn’t happening then it’s definitely time to put your relationship on ice.
