How to handle his former flames
relationship,relationship problem
Couple
So, it\'s getting serious with your bloke. You\'ve met his friends. He\'s met yours. He keeps a toothbrush at your place. You keep a complete second set of make-up at his. But then one Saturday morning, you\'re lying in bed when his phone rings and he casually announces he\'s meeting Claire for a coffee that afternoon. \'That\'s nice,\' you smile hazily, still swimming in a post-coital fog. And then it dawns on you. Claire is his ex! Your head spins, nausea sets in and your judgement is momentarily clouded with jealousy as you visualise your bloke caught in a heated embrace with a stunning Natalie Portman-esque creature, only with hair
Case of the ex
relationship,relationship problem
Woman
The easy (and let\'s face it, natural) thing to do in a situation like this one is completely fly off the handle, banning all contact between loverboy and his former flame. Trouble is, this approach can result in any trust that you\'ve spent the past weeks/months/years building disintegrating before your eyes. He might refuse to adhere to your no-contact rule or resent your jealousy, to the point where he\'d rather maintain contact with his exes than have an overly clingy girlfriend falling to pieces whenever he wants to catch up with one of them.
Here\'s how to avoid a total relationship meltdown and still feel satisfied that your man isn\'t carrying a candle for a lover past…
Question time
relationship,relationship problem
Couple
Before you go berserk, ask questions. If your relationship is strong, he\'ll feel comfortable answering reasonable questions about this woman. What did she mean to him? How long ago did the relationship end? Does she have a new partner too? Sometimes the answers are not exactly what you want to hear (he may tell you, for instance, that he was head-over-heels in love with her), but he should be able to reassure you that this relationship is well in the past. If he doesn\'t wish to answer your questions, there\'s a problem. You may have an issue with honesty in this relationship
Role reversal
relationship,relationship problem
Woman
It\'s a total cliché, but put yourself in his shoes. Accept that both of you have history, and ask yourself how you would want him to react if you wished to meet one of your past boyfriends for lunch and a chat. By assessing how you feel about those men now, you might be able to grasp the level of feeling he has for he exes. Like him, you have probably lost contact with some of them, for very good reasons. But there may also be one or two exes who have become good friends, and you are entitled to have those relationships. So is he
Give him space
relationship,relationship problem
Woman texting
Let him have his time with his ex. Ask him about his plans, but don\'t plague him with calls and texts while he\'s out with her. If you feel anxious, plan a date directly after his \'date\' with her. Sometimes, just seeing that your man only has eyes for you, even if he has just been out with an ex, is enough to put your mind at rest
Rent a corner of that space
relationship,relationship problem
Woman
When you feel comfortable about it, ask if you can meet his ex. Often, something as simple as putting a face to the name can allay any fears you\'ve been harbouring about him running away with her. Seeing your man and his ex interact as friends can be hugely reassuring – and who knows? You and she might become shopping buddies, or even friends!
Be realistic
relationship,relationship problem
Couple
He kisses his ex on the cheek. They share a joke and laugh in unison. It\'s easy to jump to wild conclusions about the nature of your man\'s current relationship with his ex from simple exchanges like this one. But be realistic – a feeling of companionship and maybe even some physical attraction may exist between your bloke and his ex, as it does between many men and their female friends. But the fact is, he is with you and nobody else. His relationship with this woman is over
Keep communication channels open
relationship,relationship problem
Couple
So long as communication between you and your partner remains open and honest, you should both feel comfortable maintaining contact with exes. It is only when one or other of you begins to spend time with an ex without being up-front and honest about it that there is a problem, and this situation should be addressed directly
