We come to understand that any successful long-term relationship involves compromises and a certain level of give and take. But for some of us, compromise will become confused with control as one partner tries to exert his or her influence over the other.
Because the influence is likely to be subtle at first, many partners fail to pick up on what's really going on. They are unlikely to assume that a partner's occasional criticism of friends or family, passing comments about a hairstyle or the way they dress, or a sporadic flash of jealousy is anything other than the hiccups of any relationship in which two people try to bring their individual worlds into harmony. However such behaviour can be the first sign of emotional abuse.
Defining emotional abuse
Abuse doesn't have to be physical. According to the website of domestic violence charity Refuge [www.refuge.org.uk], 'If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused.'
If you're in a relationship in which your self-esteem is being eroded away, if you're expected to toe the line with your partner (often at the expense of your own thoughts and opinions) and your ability to be your own person or make your own decisions becomes, over time, fatally damaged, then there's a good chance that you're suffering from emotional abuse. These subtle and not-so-subtle mind games can leave mental scars every bit as damaging and long lasting as those caused by a physical attack.
However one of the great problems of emotional abuse is that it tends to sneak up on you. Physical abuse is pretty much always accompanied by emotional assault, but it doesn't always happen the other way round. As a result, the person suffering the abuse is often confused as to what's going on – they tend not to recognise the signs until it's too late and they have become worn down by an abuser's behaviour and accept it as normal or, worse still, become convinced it's their fault.
Recognising the signs
Emotional abuse is almost always subtle – to begin with, at least. Verbal abuse doesn't have to mean shouting and hurling insults: sarcasm, discounting your opinions, interests and beliefs, even withholding conversation completely by refusing to answer questions or to reply when spoken to, these are all forms of verbal – and emotional – abuse.
An emotional abuser tries to isolate their partner in an attempt to make that person reliant on them. This might mean discouraging friends and family from visiting by making them feel uncomfortable when they do, or by being moody or complaining if a partner's plans change or if they're a few minutes late home from work.
As the abuse increases, so will the isolation – you might find yourself unable to do anything without your partner's prior consent; chances are you will become confused by his mood swings and end up changing your behaviour in an attempt to appease his moodiness or to avoid triggering an attack; you will come to feel dominated, fearful and confused about your own opinions and about behaviours other people might more readily judge as acceptable or otherwise.
Living under this law of diminishing emotional returns makes the victim more and more reliant upon her partner. The abuse becomes normalised, assimilated into the fabric of the relationship, making her less able to recognise it and with no one to reach out to on the few occasions when she does.
Getting help
The first step to extricating yourself from a damaged relationship is to understand and recognise that a relationship is damaged. Sounds easy, doesn't it? But for someone whose understanding of the line between what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't has become confused, things are rarely that straightforward.
Even so, there's a good chance that you'll be feeling confused and isolated and if you recognise those feelings, it would be worth trying to get some help. If you no longer have friends or a member of your family to turn to contact an organisation like Refuge [www.refuge.org.uk] – even if at first it's just to visit their website to help identify if what you're experiencing is abuse (although if you've got to the point where you think it is, chances are you're right).
And remember: you don't have to get to a point where your relationship is intolerable before you seek help. If you can identify the problem early and your partner's willing to work to make changes, it's possible that your relationship can be saved.
Understanding abuse
All abuse, be it emotional or physical is driven by a desire to control another person, a desire that is often borne from insecurity, anxiety and lack of confidence masked as anger or cool manipulation. Either way, it's not your job to get to the root of a partner's longstanding emotional problems; making excuses for their behaviour or becoming tied up in their emotional drama only makes things worse. Get out and get the help you need first and foremost.
We have a moral duty to treat those around us well. 'Love' is not an excuse for the person closest to us to regularly suffer the worst aspects of our personalities even if it's something we're all guilty of to some extent every now and then. (And that's one of the reasons the slippery slope of abusive behaviour is so difficult to recognise at the start). Of course, emotional abuse is about more than being snapped at after a long day, but demanding – and giving back – equal respect from the start will hopefully mean you're never put in the position where what does and doesn't constitute abusive behaviour needs to be defined.
