Although we British are getting better at softening our stiff upper lips, admitting that we have emotions and - whisper it - actually talking about them, couples counselling is still relatively uncommon.
A BBC survey in 1997 found that three quarters of married adults with children had experienced serious problems in their marriage and a third had such severe difficulties that they thought they would separate, but just 6% sought help from a professional counsellor. A 1994 study of divorced couples revealed that only 20% had used relationship-counselling services and among those who had not, 76% saw counselling as irrelevant or inappropriate.
A stigma attached
The stigma attached to 'marriage guidance', as it used to be called, repels a lot of people, and many couples see their attendance at counselling as an indication that the relationship is over. Sadly, this attitude can preclude the result.
Few people know what to expect from counselling and both men and women tend to have very different approaches. Research shows that men are less likely to attend and are more focused on problem-solving, while women are more likely to want to explore and discuss their feelings.
However, the most recent and comprehensive study (High Divorce Rates: The State of the Evidence on Reason and Remedies Volume 2, February 1999) concludes: 'Large numbers of people find relationship therapy useful in a variety of important ways. As well as those helped to improve a relationship or bring one to an end it seems likely that there are many others who are helped to come to terms with their profound distress over the loss of a relationship or over its intractable flaws.'
'It gave us the tools to solve problems'
Several people interviewed for this article agreed, although all wish to remain anonymous. 'Having done couples therapy, I would recommend it,' says one. 'It doesn't fix you once and for all; it isn't permanent. It's a bit like a car - you get the clutch fixed, then something else happens and you need to get the engine rebored. Different problems arise from different things, but [counselling] gave us the tools with which to solve problems and to help deal with them arising.'
Another notes: 'It was quite frightening in some senses and a very painful process to go through, but ultimately it was worth it. It is difficult being completely honest with [your partner], but counselling gave us a safe environment in which to open up to each other and I think we both ended up seeing each other in a different light.'
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Dredging up old wounds
Not everyone is left with such positive feelings, however. 'Before we went to counselling, my ex and I stood a reasonable chance of being friends, I thought. Afterwards, we hated each other. It dredged up all sorts of old wounds and created bitterness as a result of needlessly going over it all again. It made a painful time worse. The relationship wasn't working and we wanted different things from it - fair enough. I didn't need to know, in detail, what he blamed me for to achieve closure; I was quite happy with my version of events and so was he,' says one woman who wouldn't consider counselling again.
Naturally, the process doesn't help everyone and, arguably, if you are in the wrong relationship, nothing is going to make it right for you. However, some people believe that counselling was an essential step in enabling them to end an unhappy, long-term relationship without being tortured by guilt or plagued by 'what ifs'.
'I think I needed ratification. I wanted to try to make it work and we made an attempt. When it came to it, we just weren't right for each other,' says one supporter.
Is mediation more appropriate?
If couples have decided that their relationship is over, mediation - which focuses on the practicalities of splitting up, such as finance and childcare arrangements - may be more appropriate than counselling. Relate undertakes separation work with couples, which looks more at the emotional practicalities of splitting up and sometimes results in a full reconciliation.
'Occasionally people don't find out that it is not what they want until they are some way into separating,' says Relate counsellor Christine Northam.
Relate is the best known provider of couples counselling, but not the only one. One interviewee went to Relate twice for different relationships and both times found its counsellors to be well meaning but lacking in authority and credibility.
'We ran rings round the last one. We would be fighting like Tom and Jerry, chasing each other up the walls, and [the counsellor] would be unable to stop us. She could provoke a reaction from us, but not contain it,' he says. 'After six months she said she thought we were destined not to be together.'
The couple then went to a 'very serious psychotherapist' who 'gave us a powerful personal framework and forced us to listen to each other'. The couple rebuilt their relationship and, seven years later, are still together.
Northam admits that the chemistry between counsellor and clients isn't always right. She advises people to shop around before deciding on a particular person and not to be afraid to change counsellors if they feel that it is not working in the right way. However, she also points out that the counselling Relate offers is not 'full-on therapy' and that for some couples, the latter is the most appropriate answer. 'Therapy is longer term and much deeper,' she adds.
In some cases, the sheer fact of having to pay a large amount of money for therapy increases a couple's commitment to making the most of the sessions. And, of course, commitment is the key to making any form of couples counselling work. As one supporter says: 'It is immensely hard work and you really do have to work at it. You have to ask yourself whether you want it to work. If you do, you will find a way.'
