It doesn't matter how you get caught playing away. Whether it is a stray text message, an incriminating email, an unexplainable hotel bill, a nookie hickey or unidentified underwear in your laundry basket, the result is the same: he knows.
According to a recent survey, 55% of UK adults have had an affair at some time in their lives. Given the degree of difficulty involved in keeping infidelity secret, it stands to reason that a great many will have been found out.
Subconsciously, some people want to get caught. They need to force a crisis because of underlying problems in their relationships that they feel unable to address directly. Some women consciously line up their next partner before leaving an existing relationship. Others just want out.
However, lots don't. People stray for all sorts of reasons and Relate calculates that 66% of couples stay together after an affair, which means that getting caught need not spell the end of your relationship.
Rescuing your relationship
Now that the damage is done, it's up to you to re-pave the way to your future with your partner – assuming that's what you really want. Here's how:
1. Be honest. If you want to save it, the most important principle from now on is honesty. By the time your partner has sussed out that you have been unfaithful, you will already have told enough lies and half-truths to keep a cabinet minister in office. Stop now and commit to telling the truth. If your partner confronts you, confess. Denying it insults your partner's intelligence and makes it worse when you do finally admit to having been unfaithful. Adding insult to injury is a crap strategy. If you want to make the relationship work, you have to rebuild trust and the only way to do that is to play it straight.
2. Cool off before talking. Ideally, have a cooling-off period between confirming the affair and getting it all out in the open. If you have children, arrange for them to stay at a friend or relative's house when you have the big chat – there is no need for them to overhear the hurt and recriminations.
3. Be diplomatic. Whatever he asks, tell him, but don't be unnecessarily blunt or brutal. He will want to know why you did it. You may have been in need of excitement or sexual satisfaction, for instance, but you don't have to tell him that he bores you or is crap in bed. Be truthful, but as diplomatic as possible.
4. Answer his questions. Some will want to know every detail of what you did, others won't ask much beyond 'why?' and 'when?'. If he needs to know everything, tell him. It will hurt like hell, but it is better to answer him honestly than to allow unanswered questions to eat away at him, which will only cause more hurt and undermine any attempts to rebuild trust. Let him vent his hurt and anger. He has every right to tell you how he feels and will almost certainly need to do so more than once. Take it.
5. Tell him you are sorry. Even if you enjoyed every second of your illicit trysts, you will be sorry for the pain you have caused your partner, so make sure you tell him. Don't make promises you can't keep, if you can't promise to end your affair, ask yourself how deeply you are committed to your existing relationship.
6. See a relationship counsellor. Counselling helps many couples by providing a safe environment in which to discuss the issues or problems that prompted an affair in the first place. Dealing with relationship problems can be difficult, but it's a lot more effective than trying to pretend they don't exist. Look where that got you in the first place, after all.
