Over half of handbaggers who responded to a recent poll said that they sometimes had sex with their partners when they didn't want to and 5% said that they regularly had sex when they didn't want to.
So why don't more smart, intelligent handbaggers just say no? Are they in abusive relationships, or is there something more to it?
Why would anyone refuse something that is proven to make you feel and look healthier, releases stress and anxiety, burns off more than 100 calories an hour and produces chemicals in the brain that create strong feelings of affection between a couple?
Valid reasons to refuse
In fact there are many valid reasons – too tired, ill, depressed, stressed, emotionally crushed or fed up with your partner for some reason. But even if you really don't want to play hide the sausage, having the confidence to say no to your partner is sometimes not as easy as it sounds.
Priority shift
In the early days of a relationship, the world seems to revolve around your partner. Basic necessities like sleep, food, time and money become irrelevant. But as the relationship settles down, priorities shift. With the passage of time, familiarity dulls the edge of the relationship. And then reality inevitably smacks you in the face in the form of an overdraft, the threat of being fired if you're late for work just one more time (especially with that smirk on your face) or the arrival of kids.
Max, 26, a maths teacher, found that her relationship began to fall apart as time went on. 'I got so stressed out at school that I just didn't feel like sex,' she wryly admits, 'but Paul was always interested and I got fed up with continually saying no.'
She found herself going along with sex to keep him happy, but soon began to resent him and feel used. When Ellie, Max's best friend, started showing a lot more interest in Paul, Max found it even harder to refuse sex, but in the end she got fed up with putting pressure on herself. 'I'd had enough – you can't base a relationship on fear of what the other person might do,' she says, 'so I got more relaxed about the whole thing and just said what I wanted or didn't want.' She reports that the relationship is a lot healthier now there's more honesty.
Relationship give and take
Sometimes it's just part of the give and take of the relationship. He may not want to watch Love Actually when it comes on the telly for the umpteenth time that month or trail round the shops with you, but he does it anyway. In return you occasionally throw yourself into nights of (reluctant) passion. The relationship works. But continually massaging your partner's ego by saying yes all the time can only encourage their immaturity. If fear of rejection is so close to the surface, or if self-esteem is entirely dependent on acceptance from the other partner, it's a problem that has nothing to do with sex. You both owe it to the relationship to work on your own self-esteem and self-confidence.
The confidence to say 'no'
Having the confidence to say no can be a liberating thing for both of you – reasserting boundaries and emphasising respect for each other as people can only ever be good.
It's when you feel pressured to have sex because of threats of any kind that the answer always has to be 'no'. Intimidation or violence, whether it's verbal, emotional or physical abuse always crosses the line and you need to leave immediately.
