Sexual tension
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Couple lying in bed having an argument
Does it feel like you and your partner\'s sex life is stuck in first gear? Going nowhere and a constant effort? We spoke to Bettina Arndt, author of the new relationship-saving book The Sex Diaries to learn more about the minefield of men and woman\'s differing sexual desires...
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The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex And Other Bedroom Battles by Bettina Arndt, £9.99 is published by Hamlyn at out now.
Sex-starved men
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Man and woman in bed kissing
What would men change about sex? More, we want more! That\'s the resounding answer that echoes around the world. The reason is simple. The number one sexual problem plaguing women is low libido. That means couples everywhere are struggling with a mismatch in desire. Women lie in bed worrying the hand will come creeping over. Men spend their lives groveling for sexual favours. The gap between them in bed becomes a chasm.
Why would women rather eat chocolate?
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Woman eating a huge slab of chocolate
At the start of relationships, female libido is given a boost by brain chemistry associated with being ‘in love\'. But within two years that usually changes and women are stuck with their normal female sex drive: easily distracted, hard to light and often wrapped up in the garbage of the day. The problem seems hard-wired, with women\'s feeble drive linked to lower levels of testosterone - men have 20 times as much. Evolutionary psychologists argue mothers aren\'t meant to be bonking all the time so their distracted libidos ensure they care for their young.
The male\'s eternal flame
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Woman licking a spoon seductively
The male drive is usually more urgent, less easy distracted and more goal-directed, which means it takes a lot more to turn men off sex. Men go to bed with their imaginations, their sexual appetites constantly fed by visual erotic clues. So males are usually far better than females at using that imagination to light their fire and keep themselves sexually on heat.
Men crave connection, not just sex
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Man and woman laying in bed
It\'s not about getting their rocks off - frustrated men know they can always masturbate. What they yearn for is the strong emotional connection they feel after sex with the woman they love. Men experience their peak levels of the \"cuddle\" hormone, oxytocin, when they ejaculate - while females tend to live with naturally higher levels. So for a man a relationship without sex means missing out on that intense emotional bonding, leaving him feeling unwanted, unloved and undesirable.
Just do it?
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Man and woman having sex in the shower
Desire is a decision. I\'m sure you can come up with a list of good reasons why you don\'t feel like having sex - a hard work day, a fight with your mother-in-law, your baby\'s fitful sleep. But knowing why you don\'t want sex does nothing to boost desire or heal tensions in the relationship. Only by doing something about it, can you ease the pain of rejection for your partner and enjoy the closeness that comes through sexual intimacy. Just do it!
Put the canoe in the water.
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Man and woman having sex
Even if you are not in the mood for sex, it\'s worth trying to see if you could still enjoy sex without desire. Recent research by Professor Rosemary Basson from British Columbia has shown women in long term relationships may rarely think of sex or experience spontaneous desire. But provided they have a ‘willingness to be receptive\', many can still experience sexual pleasure. Put the canoe in the water and start paddling and see what happens.
Does doing the laundry get men laid?
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
Man and woman having an argument
Resentment is a passion-killer. That\'s why men\'s failure to share housework chores features so strongly in the list of reasons women don\'t want sex. The man who does little or nothing to ease the woman\'s domestic load is bound to miss out sexually. Yet sharing the laundry is still no guarantee that he will get a green light. Even with the most considerate, helpful partners, women are stuck with their fragile libidos and many try to avoid sex.
The cure for sexual disinterest? - A new man
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
man and woman in bed
Sexual desire often snaps back into action when a woman finds a new lover - even after years of disinterest. That\'s the news from research by world renowned menopause expert Loraine Dennerstein who showed libido often shows a new dip at menopause due to hormonal changes. But put that woman with a new man and watch her desire come alive. It\'s all due to that early-love brain chemistry which applies the firelighters that awaken her interest.
Would women want more sex if men were better at it?
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
man and woman having sex
Yes, some men are lousy lovers, failing to make any effort to light women\'s fire let alone provide real pleasure when they do end up in the cot. There\'s often far too much bonking - sex consisting of just the main course and not enough of the hors d\'oeuvres many women prefer. Yet other women admit their partners make strenuous efforts to get things right and are superb sexual craftsmen - yet still the women don\'t feel like doing it.
The women who can\'t get enough
relationship,sex problem,relationship problem
man and woman stripping
There are also sex-starved women, lusty women who want more sex than their partners. Some are sexually-driven, with their own eternal flame, craving sex year in, year out. Others would be content with average rations but are shocked to find themselves with disinterested men. These women really struggle with rejection, and will rarely initiate because they can\'t cope with being knocked back. It takes a real toll on their relationships, with many choosing to bail out. Here too, the low-desire partner is advised to just do it - making the effort to give pleasure to keep the woman feeling wanted and desirable.
