I have suffered since I was 11; I'm 36 now. Food has always been an issue with me and it all stared with a simple comment from my mum that I had 'fat arms'. Until then I was a normal, happy child who didn't know a calorie from a fat gram, but I soon became self-conscious and unhappy. Puberty started early for me and I hated the puppy fat and my newly developing breasts when all my schoolfriends were still running around in kids' clothes. I felt like a freak. So I just stopped eating and when I did I made myself sick.
Mum was raising four of us alone and worked days and evenings, so I was more or less left to my own devices and no one really noticed.
A couple of years later I was leaving school and, though not yet underweight, controlling food had become a way of life. Because I was always out with friends, it wasn't hard to just dash in the house, grab a sandwich and then bin it round the corner or tell friends, 'No thanks, I'm not hungry, I've just eaten a large meal.'
I got a job, met someone to settle down with and fell pregnant at 18. I used this excuse to eat for two, but in fact ate for four! I felt free at last from the calorie counting and being sick. Consequently the weight piled on - my weight increased from 8.5 stone to 13 after I'd had my son. I was so depressed and ate even more. I fell pregnant again and had a daughter. Of course my sudden dramatic weight gain made people comment. I couldn't believe how nasty they were - even saying, 'You used to be so slim, now look at you.' So all of a sudden I did what I'd done years before and stopped eating again. The weight dropped off and it seemed I was in control again. I was back to being 8 stone. I used the kids as a distraction from food and hid the problem from everyone around me. This time, though, I went too far and my marriage started to suffer. I had no interest in anything, especially my husband. We just drifted apart.
Now I was a single parent and threw myself into bringing up my two children. I was happy and in control and didn't have to hide my problems from anyone. I hated throwing up and so gradually just stopped bingeing altogether. My weight soon dropped again and I went from 7.5 stone to 5.7 stone. I remember standing on the scales and being so pleased and proud of myself, but thinking, 'I still don't look good enough.' My hair was falling out, I was constantly tired and couldn't sit down for long because it hurt so much. I knew the damage I was doing, but couldn't stop.
By now people around me did notice and my Mum hauled me off to the doctors. I was prodded and poked and made to feel completely stupid. I managed to stop them keeping me in hospital by saying there was no one to look after the kids and promising them I'd eat properly, which I did until the fuss died down. I've seen therapists and counsellors and did as they asked just to be discharged, but went back to my old habits afterwards. They all seemed determined that I'd admit I was abused as a child and that was the reason for my behaviour, but when I finally convinced them I wasn't, they were at a loss as to how to help me. I'm sure they'd have been happy and congratulated me if I had been abused!
Since then, I've never again decreased my weight to that level, as I know that people will find out my secret, so I keep to a steady 7 stone 10lbs. Over the years I have tried every diet going and now live on 500 calories per day. I avoid social occasions where I might be pressured to eat 'normal food', so have no life really outside of work and the home. I can just about live with this, but have days where I'm really depressed and feel fat, and although am no longer at a dangerously low weight, food still rules my life. I have a job I love and two lovely kids. Everyone thinks I'm really lucky and happy, but there's this huge burden that I don't know how to lose.
If you are an alcoholic or drug addict, you can avoid drink or drugs, but food keeps you alive. I can't avoid food, it's completely ruled my life for 25 years and when I did avoid it, I nearly died, so I can't see this nightmare ever going away.
My daughter is now 13 and I am hoping and praying that she grows up into the normal, well-balanced teenager I never was. I never use the word diet around her and have tried to instill in her that your value as a person is not determined by your size or looks, but by what's inside. I can't hide her from the pressures of growing up forever and I just hope her common sense sees her through.
