I first encountered women intent on maintaining glamour in the gym in the early 1980s. They were resplendent in neon-coloured Lycra leotards and clashing footless tights accessorised with plastic bangles and Pat Butcher earrings, and they always wore full make-up.
Back then the ladies' keep fit class involved a lot of lying down and little more than raising an eyebrow. When some of them tried circuit training with the boys they ended up looking like fairy cakes that had been left out in the rain.
Waterproof make-up has certainly improved since then, but getting tarted up to go to the gym is still as futile as trying to get a cab at closing time or convincing Rupert Everett that he's not really gay. What's the point in having nicely defined eyes, luscious lashes and a perfect pout if the rest of your face is fluorescent pink and dripping with sweat?
You go to the gym to indulge in fundamentally unattractive activities, whether it's fat burning, cardiovascular exercise, muscle toning and sculpting weights work or throwing yourself around a room to music. Fat burning and looking good are essentially incompatible because the idea of it is to get you - and keep you - very hot and very sweaty. Mmm... red face, dripping pits and a damp crotch, what a great look that isn't.
Sweatfest
Even if you are one of those lucky women who don't go a fetching shade of red, you will still have sweaty hair stuck to your face and plastered to your head. Once I sweated so much while running that the end of my ponytail was dripping with it. It was an eye-catching look and not in a good way.
OK, maybe you are one of those rare creatures that don't sweat much even when you work out really hard. I am a bit sceptical though. One of my sisters claims that she just doesn't perspire much and I discovered why when we went to the gym together: she just doesn't do much. While I sweated like a tropical rainstorm, she nattered her way round all the equipment and stopped as soon as she got warm. It is one way to maintain your blow dry but it isn't going to do much for your arse.
Heaving weights
Moving on to weights and resistance work, I defy anyone to look glamorous sitting in the split beaver position trying to squeeze their legs together under a 12-kilo weight - or any amount of weight for that matter. Chest press, pull down, pec deck, whatever the equipment, we are talking mad staring eyes of concentration and physical effort, the accompanying frown of exertion, bulging veins and baboon cheeks as you breathe through the movement. And you're concerned about your lippy?
And as for aerobics, unless you have the grace and co-ordination of a professional dancer and a bum as small as Kylie's, you are going to look like a wally and a wobbly one at that.
Wearing clothes that are designed for the purpose does make sense. You need Lycra to stop your legs chafing and the latest fabrics help your skin breathe and stay cool. Maybe having a nice gym outfit gives you more confidence to get down there, but once you're actually there you may as well forget about looking good.
