The A-Z sex glossary

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Warning: not for nuns, those with heart conditions or the easily offended.

Worrier style sex
Always wondered just what a certain word or phrase meant but were too embarrassed to ask? Well, handbag has come to the rescue with our naughty-but-nice glossary of terms you won't find in the boardroom.

A is for ATM - 'Ass to mouth' as in finger, penis or sex toy that is inserted up someone's bottom then popped straight into a mouth. Something you should NEVER do by the way, it carries a huge risk of transferring botty bacteria.

B is for Back Spackle - Ejaculating on someone's back or bottom, the only reason people really keep tissues by the side of their bed.

C is for CBT - Cock and ball torture doesn't have to be completely hardcore, it could just involve you pulling firmly down on his balls stopping him from coming, repeat this until he begs for mercy. Dommes rule, boys drool.

D is for Double Penetration - Either two penises in one vagina or one in her vagina, the other in her bottom. The penises usually belong to two separate men, not one very 'blessed' gent.

E is for Edge Play - This is sex involving possible injury, death or humiliation. Humiliation we're okay with, but no, we're not desperate enough to die for an orgasm thanks very much.

F is for Felching - Sucking semen or other fluids (what?!) from the vagina or anus. Once again if it's coming out of your bottom we say pass (the bucket).

G is for Glory Hole - A hole in the wall that someone inserts a penis into anonymously, while someone on the other side sucks it. Mostly found in toilets in Soho.

H is for Head - As in oral sex. This term usually applies to performing oral on a man, why doesn't that surprise us?

I is for Impotent - Failure to get or keep an erection. In healthy young males usually down to too much drink or too little confidence, often in the same night.

J is for Jack/Jill Off - Meaning to masturbate, no bucket required, well, I guess that depends...

K is for Kinky - Sexual activity that is somehow non-traditional and no, just using pink fluffy handcuffs does NOT make you a kinky madam. It just means you should stop reading Cosmo.

L is for Lucky Pierre - Monsieur Pierre is the filling in a man sandwich. Pierre in the middle is having sex with two men; he's being penetrated but is also penetrating the man in front. He's the so called lucky one as he's the only one of the three to experience both sex acts simultaneously. On reflection we think we'd rather win the lottery.

M is for the Money Shot - Ejaculating for the camera, did someone say 'home movie'?

N is for Nocturnal Emission - Otherwise known as a wet dream. Thought men grew out of them past the age of 14? Well, you'd be wrong.

O is for O-Face - This refers to the face one makes when having an orgasm not the surprised face you pull when he finally offers to make you a cup of tea in the morning.

P is for Pony Boy/Girl - A male or female who pretends to be a pony in a submissive roleplay game. Some wear a saddle and Coco de Mer do a very lovely horsey tail you can strap on and giddy up round the bedroom with.

Q is for Quickie - The only type of sex anyone with children gets; fast, furious and done in three minutes while Peppa Pig keeps the little angels quiet.

R is for Rimming - The act of performing oral sex on the anus, especially licking around the edge.

S is for Shocker - A technique of manual stimulation on a woman where the pointer finger and middle finger are inserted into the vagina and the little finger is inserted into the anus. Also referred to as a 'six pack' as this is apparently how a man holds a six pack. Wow, don't we feel special?

T is for Tea-bagging - Dipping testes on to someone's face or into their mouth. Rather have a biscuit? Us too.

U is for Upskirt - a picture of video sometimes surreptitiously that shows the view up the woman's skirt or dress. Paris Hilton and Britney Spears' favoured photo opportunity.

V is for Vanilla - No, not the ice cream flavour but non-kinky, traditional sex taking place between a man and a woman. Three minute missionary, anyone?

W is for Watersports - The act of being aroused by peeing on someone or being peed on. Surely this takes the damp patch to extremes.

X is for X-rated - usually referring to pornography showing explicit sex acts. Can often now be seen on Channel 4 at any time of day.

Y is for Yoni - An ancient Indian term for the vagina or a representation of the vagina, appearing in the Kama Sutra.

Z is for Zoophilia - Surely you can work it out. We say no more, other than it's illegal people!
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