'Your father always used to say 'A rising cock has no conscience.''
On seeing a couple having sex in a public garden 'It made me quite excited; I got a bit wet.'
'I'm thinking of having a sex change.'
'I've just been reading your diary. So you've had sex with him?! AND smoked marijuana?!'
To the man you've been dreaming of having babies with. 'Oh, I know all about you. My daughter can't stop talking about you! She thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread.'
To your family and/or community: 'Everyone! I've gathered you all here to share the good news. (Your name) has entered puberty.'
'Hang on, darling. Let me call you back...I'm on the loo.'
'You were at the back of the queue when God was handing out boobs, weren't you?'
To the department store salesperson: 'Where are your bras for chubby girls?'
'I've nothing against these homosexuals, but I wish they'd stop shoving it down everyone's throat.'
'You ought to get yourself a vibrator. Does the job every time.'
Talking about the family dog: 'I think he was the c*nt of the litter' (when she meant runt, of course. Bless).
To your new boyfriend: 'She's my little darling. Loves nothing more than having her bum tickled.'
To your new boyfriend: 'If think you're putting your John Thomas anywhere near my daughter, you've got another think coming.'
Watching (the artist formerly known as) Prince on the telly: 'Is that a man or a woman?'
When you catch her and her boyfriend in a, er, compromising pose: 'Don't mind us. We're feeling a little excited.'
'Don't chat up the boys. You'll scare them!' (You're 27-years-old).