It's a bit random I know, but it's getting to the time of year when I always start to think about my miscarriage and get really upset, even though it happened almost four years ago now. I'd quite like someone to talk to about it who's experienced the same thing sometimes.
I got pregnant by accident, hadn't even been with my boyfriend for a year at that point. I was so scared and confused, I didn't really want a baby, but I didn't want an abortion either. I visited a clinic but I felt sick the whole time, I convinced myself I'd go through with it but at the back of my mind I knew it was wrong (for me personally), but I just couldn't see any other way forward.
I actually went to the clinic on the day of the abortion because I didn't think I had a choice, but by that point I was experiencing heavy bleeding anyway and when I was given an ultra-sound they told me the baby was already dead. It was horrible - I didn't get any sympanthy at all, probably because I was there for an abortion, they thought I'd be pleased.
I was a mess for so long afterwards, felt so guilty that I'd considered the abortion, so glad I didn't go through with it, but so devestated that my baby hadn't survived anyway. It was hideous. It's still very painful now, although not so difficult and it doesn't hurt every day like it used to.
Not long ago I was talking to my OH about it (we're still together
) and he told me that he wanted to keep the baby. I was a bit gobsmacked because he didn't say that at the time, I don't blame him now - I think he wanted to put as little pressure on me as possible. At the time he told me it was my decision and that he'd support me no matter... but I think if he'd said he wanted the baby I'd have felt so different but he didn't ever actually utter those words. It doesn't make any difference anyway because I don't think my pregnancy was actually ever viable, but I've been reflecting on the miscarriage more since he told me that!Ever since I lost the baby, I've been longing to have a baby of my own. This is odd to me in itself because I didn't actually want children before I got pregnant. I'm not going to rush though because I want to do things right and in a way that both OH and me are happy with... but whenever I discover a friend or someone I know is pregnant I get a massive knot in my stomach.
I'm always amazed that something that was with me for such a short time and that I didn't want in the first place has had such an impact on my life!
Anyway this has gone a bit long and rambling and I've forgotten my point...
Nina x
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