Hi all,
Posting here as I appear to have exhausted friends opinions on the subject, and since I share alot of friends with my bf, its hard to get an unbiased opinion.
I've been with my boyfriend (M) about 5 years now. We currently live in a house with 2 of our friends, and this has been the living situation for 3 years. I moved in as I got a job in the local area.
I do love him, however, there are several issues I have with our relationship.
- I would like to get married and have a baby by the time I'm 30ish. I'm 25 next month so although I'm not working to a timetable, these issues do cross my mind. I'd like to think it was heading that way. M has got no interest in marriage or weddings and says he doesnt think about the future, he just takes each day as it comes, as he likes to "chillax"
- I also want to live with a long term partner just the two of us - however, he seems to loathe spending time when its just me an dhim - it makes him edgy and nervous, he's such a pack animal and can't function without all his man friends around him. Every friday night, I go out with my bf, and his 2 best mates. It's jokingly referred to as "date night" but this does upset me a bit. He hates the idea of going for a meal together or drinks or a weekend away, he just likes to go to the cinema with friends or stay in and watch a film, its as if the very thought of being alone with me chills him to the bone.
- He doesn't say "i love you", not after phone calls, in text messages or "just because". He will say "i love you too", or he'll say it once in a while.
- I'd like to get my own place really, as I feel like I'm living in a student house - full of DVD's computer games, washing up and mess. I'm looking for a new job with more money so I could look into doing this but he accuses me of always trying to "run away" and doesn't seem to see it as a reflection on the current situation.
- It basically doesnt feel like a relationship - we get on and there is a sex life there still, but theres no sort of intimacy. We might have been together 5 years but I feel like I know nothing about him - I dont know what he likes about me, what he values, where he sees us in the future (if anywhere), its like I've just scratched the surface but its like getting blood out of a stone.
Part of my thinks, you're young, why are you obsessing about this But part of me is trying to be more mature and thinking "i want certain things and I'm not getting them so I should move on".
My mom doesnt like him (due to the not being engaged thing and his lack of interest in committment) so keeps telling me to find someone else or look on dating websites. I've tried a few ultimatums, saying its not working or trying to talk about my feelings, but then I'm told I'm being too emotional, being a woman and stressing and I need to "chill out" a bit.
I'd like to hear advice/thoughts/opinions on this!
PS: Although the above is a bit of a rant, he is a nice guy, we've had some good times together and I know he does love/care for me and we have some great friends, its just concerns about "the future" and long term stuff I'm concerned about, he's not a bad guy really.
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Plodding on but going nowhere?
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Talk to him.
He won't know what's bothering you until you tell him, unless he's cut your finger off - he might have an inkling that summat's up then.
Talk to him about your concerns in a calm and honest way, ask him how he sees things and what he wants... Don't "nag" at him to get your answer, it never works but do stress to him that it is important to you.
Don't give him ultimatums about the future, that's not fair. You are young and frankly I know very few men in their early/mid 20s who are seriously thinking about getting married. MrCoops is 26 and although we talk about marriage I know it certainly won't happen for a few years yet, I also know I'm the first person he's even considered a future with and that's only happened in the last few months.
If you're happy now, enjoy it! You have years yet before things start getting more serious if that's what you want.
He won't know what's bothering you until you tell him, unless he's cut your finger off - he might have an inkling that summat's up then.
Talk to him about your concerns in a calm and honest way, ask him how he sees things and what he wants... Don't "nag" at him to get your answer, it never works but do stress to him that it is important to you.
Don't give him ultimatums about the future, that's not fair. You are young and frankly I know very few men in their early/mid 20s who are seriously thinking about getting married. MrCoops is 26 and although we talk about marriage I know it certainly won't happen for a few years yet, I also know I'm the first person he's even considered a future with and that's only happened in the last few months.
If you're happy now, enjoy it! You have years yet before things start getting more serious if that's what you want.
I agree with Coops - you've got a good few years before you need to 'panic' about marriage etc.
What is it about marriage that is the ultimate goal for you - always intruiged if rellies are strong and working, how does marriage change things? Just a personal question of mine, no reflection on your own thoughts to it all.
That being said, I would be more concerned about his reluctance to spend time alone with you. I would want to find out exactly how he see's your relationship. To be with someone for 5 years but to not feel like you know them is worrying in my eyes. Does he see it as more of a friends with benefits relationship as opposed to a long term thing?
Your mum's comments don't sound helpful. Obviously parents worry and she wants you to be happy, but to say out right that you should look for someone else is rude in my opinion. Do you think that this may have clouded your judgement about him?
If your happy with things staying exactly as they are, carry on. But it sounds as though you want more/something different - if after talking to him, he doesn't want the same - i'd cut my losses.
Best of luck.x
What is it about marriage that is the ultimate goal for you - always intruiged if rellies are strong and working, how does marriage change things? Just a personal question of mine, no reflection on your own thoughts to it all.
That being said, I would be more concerned about his reluctance to spend time alone with you. I would want to find out exactly how he see's your relationship. To be with someone for 5 years but to not feel like you know them is worrying in my eyes. Does he see it as more of a friends with benefits relationship as opposed to a long term thing?
Your mum's comments don't sound helpful. Obviously parents worry and she wants you to be happy, but to say out right that you should look for someone else is rude in my opinion. Do you think that this may have clouded your judgement about him?
If your happy with things staying exactly as they are, carry on. But it sounds as though you want more/something different - if after talking to him, he doesn't want the same - i'd cut my losses.
Best of luck.x
I agree in that at your age you don't need to worry about marriage, you've got plenty of time! But I disagree about what Coops said about the age thing, my bloke is 27 and we're getting married. If you've been with someone for five years you really should have an idea if you want to be with them long term or not, else why waste your time? It doesn't matter how old you are, if that makes sense.
The main issue seems to be that he doesn't want to spend time with you alone, that's just weird. I think he sounds happy still living like a student, he's got you there plus his mates, great. You need to have time together, I'm sorry but that's what couples do. It sounds like Kitty said it's more of a friends with benefits relationship!
Plus you not really knowing much about each other is odd too, is there any substance to your relationship at all?
You need to have a proper conversation with him and work out exactly how he sees your relationship, as it may be very different from how you see it, stop with the ultimations, they don't work and aren't fair.
I think to be honest, you should move out and find your own place, and I think your bf needs to grow up. It doesn't sounds like he wants to be in a relationship, I think he's quite content just having fun and conveniently having you there, which is fine if that's what you're happy with but it obviously isn't. I don't think you should be worried about marriage but I do think you should discover what your relationship is really about, as it doesn't sound like it's based on much.
The main issue seems to be that he doesn't want to spend time with you alone, that's just weird. I think he sounds happy still living like a student, he's got you there plus his mates, great. You need to have time together, I'm sorry but that's what couples do. It sounds like Kitty said it's more of a friends with benefits relationship!
Plus you not really knowing much about each other is odd too, is there any substance to your relationship at all?
You need to have a proper conversation with him and work out exactly how he sees your relationship, as it may be very different from how you see it, stop with the ultimations, they don't work and aren't fair.
I think to be honest, you should move out and find your own place, and I think your bf needs to grow up. It doesn't sounds like he wants to be in a relationship, I think he's quite content just having fun and conveniently having you there, which is fine if that's what you're happy with but it obviously isn't. I don't think you should be worried about marriage but I do think you should discover what your relationship is really about, as it doesn't sound like it's based on much.
yes you sound like you want to be more independant so do it just because you're in a relationship it shouldnt stop you trying new things, he may not be on the same page as you but thats fine for now. This not spending time alone with you is ringing alarm bells sounds like he has everything as he likes it, dont go out on friday night it sounds like friends night not date night you should find some new friends and go out with them. Yes its been 5 years but people change a lot in their eraly 20's. start living life a bit more as you not you ina relationship, go out with work friends, join a new class sports or evening class, be young! dont get too serious if your man doesnt meet your expectations move on, also this timeline you have of by the time i'm 30 , get rid of it, itll happen when you're in the right place, otherwise you may fulfill your wish but not be happy. seriously make the most of all oppurtunities that ocme your way and dont becme serious about life yet, there will be plenty of time for that.
do-it.org<br /><br /><br />be the change in your life<br />
God, just wrote a long post but deleted it,as sounded like an old fart - prob coz i am, mind.
Well dang, I found my original profile and sign in ! Tis me !
I may not always be right.... but I'm never wrong.
I may not always be right.... but I'm never wrong.
I think if marriage and plans for the future are important to you then you should broach the subject with him now. You've been together five years so what you want and where you see the relationship going should be pretty transparent.
To be honest, if he doesn't think you can even go out for a meal together on your own then do you think you'll ever be able to live with him on his own? It sounds like he's in a very comfortable place at the moment but you need to explain to him what you want.
If you can't compromise then there really isn't much else you can do but call it a day.
To be honest, if he doesn't think you can even go out for a meal together on your own then do you think you'll ever be able to live with him on his own? It sounds like he's in a very comfortable place at the moment but you need to explain to him what you want.
If you can't compromise then there really isn't much else you can do but call it a day.
Bagging since Feb 2002
http://vintagehuntress.blogspot.com
http://vintagehuntress.blogspot.com
I totally get the wanting to not live like a student.
I think if i had been with my boyfriend for 5 years i would defiantly want to know that the relationship is going somewhere. Although being young is one thing but knowing that you are not wasting investing your feeling into something that has no future.
I do think threats are a waste of time as there is only so many times you can threaten and not follow through.
Maybe have a chat and try not to put any pressure on him.
But make it clear to what you want. If your not going to get the result that you want, maybe ask yourself are you willing to sacrifice what you want long term?
Because you can't really expect him to change, as so i have learnt it never happens!
I think if i had been with my boyfriend for 5 years i would defiantly want to know that the relationship is going somewhere. Although being young is one thing but knowing that you are not wasting investing your feeling into something that has no future.
I do think threats are a waste of time as there is only so many times you can threaten and not follow through.
Maybe have a chat and try not to put any pressure on him.
But make it clear to what you want. If your not going to get the result that you want, maybe ask yourself are you willing to sacrifice what you want long term?
Because you can't really expect him to change, as so i have learnt it never happens!
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