I've had to seriously think about wether to post this because I know she may be reading but it's upset and bothered me so much I really need to get it all out.
When Beau was born sleeping, my parents didn't really want to talk about it. My sister however called me a lot and after years of not really getting on I felt like I'd bonded with her again. Not all of her calls were about how I was coping but just to talk to someone (because in my head I wasn't stable) was nice.
In February this year my sister suddenly stopped talking to me. I saw her around my daughters birthday and she couldn't look me in the eye. I kept trying to strike up a conversation but she sat over the otherside of the room from me next to her husband and just really spoke to him. I was told afterwards by my mum that it was because she thought I was uncomfortable with her being pregnant as she knew me and Mr Snowball were struggling a little to have another baby.
So time has gone on and I've not heard a word from her, until last week that was. Mr Snowball (who moderates another forum) spotted she had an account there and had been logging in, reading his posts and then logging straight back out again. So I immediately thought, 'What if she's been on my forum for bereaved parents?'. This would add up why she wasn't talking to me as instead of a general discussion forum it's a place to get your feelings out when you are at your lowest to other parents going through the same thing. Yes, I have mentioned her there (probably twice) when I've had a really bad day and just needed to vent it off before I carried on.
So I emailed the admin for the site who replied to say she had an account under a false name and had been a member since December, so nearly 5 months! She knew I'd found out (she got banned from there) and she sent me a horrible email saying how she'd been there for me and yet I'd slagged her off.
That was a week ago and it's just hit me back to another low point. Why would she do that? I had put all of my private thoughts and feelings on there when I wanted to die, detailed descriptions of how Beau was born and pictures of what he looked like to share with other parents going through it, not with her. She has sat and read all of that like it's nothing. I feel totally violated and like she's destroyed my memories of our son.
Probably the most disturbing thing is that to join that forum you have to say you are joining because you have been deeply affected by the death of a baby. She must have claimed that! How could any normal person who wasn't grieving for a baby claim that?
I am so down right now. I just can't stop thinking about it. I spoke to my dad about it and he said we were both at fault, her for reading it and me for joining a forum for it in the first place but where else did I have to go? He said I should have thrown myself into work like he did when his mum died but it was my job that resulted in the death of our son so how am I supposed to do that?
Sorry I've gone on a bit. I just can't stop bursting into tears thinking of all of our time with Beau that she's just sat and read. I don't ever want anything to do with her again, I'm totally discusted by her.
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My memories have been violated
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I've had to seriously think about wether to post this because I know she may be reading but it's upset and bothered me so much I really need to get it all out. When Beau was born sleeping, my parents didn't really want to talk about it. My sister however called me a lot and after years of not really getting on I felt like I'd bonded with her again. Not all of her calls were about how I was coping but just to talk to someone (because in my head I wasn't stable) was nice. In February this year my sister suddenly stopped talking to me. I saw her around my daughters birthday and she couldn't look me in the eye. I kept trying to strike up a conversation but she sat over the otherside of the room from me next to her husband and just really spoke to him. I was told afterwards by my mum that it was because she thought I was uncomfortable with her being pregnant as she knew me and Mr Snowball were struggling a little to have another baby. So time has gone on and I've not heard a word from her, until last week that was. Mr Snowball (who moderates another forum) spotted she had an account there and had been logging in, reading his posts and then logging straight back out again. So I immediately thought, 'What if she's been on my forum for bereaved parents?'. This would add up why she wasn't talking to me as instead of a general discussion forum it's a place to get your feelings out when you are at your lowest to other parents going through the same thing. Yes, I have mentioned her there (probably twice) when I've had a really bad day and just needed to vent it off before I carried on. So I emailed the admin for the site who replied to say she had an account under a false name and had been a member since December, so nearly 5 months! She knew I'd found out (she got banned from there) and she sent me a horrible email saying how she'd been there for me and yet I'd slagged her off. That was a week ago and it's just hit me back to another low point. Why would she do that? I had put all of my private thoughts and feelings on there when I wanted to die, detailed descriptions of how Beau was born and pictures of what he looked like to share with other parents going through it, not with her. She has sat and read all of that like it's nothing. I feel totally violated and like she's destroyed my memories of our son. Probably the most disturbing thing is that to join that forum you have to say you are joining because you have been deeply affected by the death of a baby. She must have claimed that! How could any normal person who wasn't grieving for a baby claim that? I am so down right now. I just can't stop thinking about it. I spoke to my dad about it and he said we were both at fault, her for reading it and me for joining a forum for it in the first place but where else did I have to go? He said I should have thrown myself into work like he did when his mum died but it was my job that resulted in the death of our son so how am I supposed to do that? Sorry I've gone on a bit. I just can't stop bursting into tears thinking of all of our time with Beau that she's just sat and read. I don't ever want anything to do with her again, I'm totally discusted by her.
Posted by Snowball
Posted by Snowball
Mmmm what right has your dad got to tell you how to grieve for starters.
No your sister shouldn't have looked for you on the internet.. it may be she wanted to see how else she could be there for you but I can understand why you're feeling the way you do. People always feel a bit icky when they find out somebody has deliberately searched them out and read everything they've posted on a forum.. but on such a painfilled subject I can imagine a deep feeling of betrayal.You feel betrayed but don't let that soil your memorys.. you haven't done anything wrong and why shouldn't you share your grief with other parents in the same boat, if it's helped?
Have you confronted her with it yet after that email? Maybe you need to have it out with her. I usually go for the bigger person thing and just say ignore them and bin them off but this can turn into a cancer and get worse with time.. so it might be worth speaking to her in person and getting it sorted out.
![[http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c136/samemms/3231278360_2c014cd713.jpg]](http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c136/samemms/3231278360_2c014cd713.jpg "http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c136/samemms/3231278360_2c014cd713.jpg")
I saw your status on Facebook and was shocked that she'd do this.
I know what it's like when someone reads through all your posts like that. What happened to me wasn't a tragic time like it was for you but it still deeply hurts when someone uses things you've written against you in such a way.
Your Dad was insensitive but I think it may be a generation thing? Like he said often older people throw themselves into work or something, my mum started doing sorting straight away after my dad died whereas I liked to go for walks and, of course I came on here and talked about things. I don't think my mum would understand about internet forums either.
Your dad's reaction is a little weird. Why on earth should you not go on a forum? I suppose he sees it as publishing something private but hey, so what? It's your grief and you can write about it wherever you see fit - and you did so anonymously, on a private understanding board - so what the hell was your sister doing on there? Tell him to do one. Neither of your parents have handled this spectacularly well it must be said. You didn't do anything wrong (not that you need telling that, I hope).
What did your sister see on this forum which was so awful? I assume from your post that she was supportive and so if you said anything about her it would have been positive.
I would have said she was worried about you, hence looking you up online - but saying she was deeply affected by the loss in order to enter the site, and stalking your husband also, suggests that she's bordering on unhinged and very sneaky. I think you are well within your rights to bollock her back (but I'd say face to face as email as a hideous form of conversation) or to just ignore her until she calms down and apologises. And until that day I wouldn't bother talking to her. She's behaved incredibly selfishly, as have your parents TBH - they all need to take a good look at themselves. (And I hope she is reading and seeing this, incidentally.)
What did your sister see on this forum which was so awful? I assume from your post that she was supportive and so if you said anything about her it would have been positive.
I would have said she was worried about you, hence looking you up online - but saying she was deeply affected by the loss in order to enter the site, and stalking your husband also, suggests that she's bordering on unhinged and very sneaky. I think you are well within your rights to bollock her back (but I'd say face to face as email as a hideous form of conversation) or to just ignore her until she calms down and apologises. And until that day I wouldn't bother talking to her. She's behaved incredibly selfishly, as have your parents TBH - they all need to take a good look at themselves. (And I hope she is reading and seeing this, incidentally.)
It sounds like she's slightly intreged/fasinated by you and your husband, i mean to be spending that much time reading his and your posts.(or just nosey)
Although i do think when you put something out on the internet you do have to be very aware that anyone could be reading it also.
I do find it odd she didnt tell you she was reading it but maybe she felt you were opening up there more to them then her, so she kept track of you and your feelings by reading your posts and making sure your ok?
It might not be for a bad reason she was on there and ultimately you need to speak. Your obviously very very upset over this (i saw the FB status's and have never seen you like that before) and IMO your only going to upset yourself more when you havent got to the bottom of this yet by having it out with her.
For getting into the site by clicking that she was grieving for a child, well maybe she was for Beau too..i would too if it was my brother who lost a child. Or maybe she just clicked it to get in, i wouldnt look too deeply into that.
And no one can taint the memories of Beau honey...you have your memories which will stay with you forever and he is looking down on you always. No one can take that away from you, no one.xx
Although i do think when you put something out on the internet you do have to be very aware that anyone could be reading it also.
I do find it odd she didnt tell you she was reading it but maybe she felt you were opening up there more to them then her, so she kept track of you and your feelings by reading your posts and making sure your ok?
It might not be for a bad reason she was on there and ultimately you need to speak. Your obviously very very upset over this (i saw the FB status's and have never seen you like that before) and IMO your only going to upset yourself more when you havent got to the bottom of this yet by having it out with her.
For getting into the site by clicking that she was grieving for a child, well maybe she was for Beau too..i would too if it was my brother who lost a child. Or maybe she just clicked it to get in, i wouldnt look too deeply into that.
And no one can taint the memories of Beau honey...you have your memories which will stay with you forever and he is looking down on you always. No one can take that away from you, no one.xx
It is possible your sister has been keeping an eye on things because she cares and for whatever reason at the curret times feels a more diect approach is not possible.
As to your dad's reaction, well it is not uncommon for people to occupy themselves so as to distract themselves from a painful situation. How healthy this is I don't know, but I do know it is something I have done in the past.
As to your dad's reaction, well it is not uncommon for people to occupy themselves so as to distract themselves from a painful situation. How healthy this is I don't know, but I do know it is something I have done in the past.
I think your sisters behaivour has been awful end of!
Grief is a deeply personal thing and everyone grieves in different ways, some people want to talk and some people want to ignore, however people should respect the grieving mother and fathers feelings and take their lead. Your father clearly didn't do this and that's a real shame but unfortunately no one is perfect and as people have said it could be a generational thing.
Having some where you can pour out your feelings to people in the same boat must have been a great comfort, your sisters behaivour was a betrayal and I hope she realises that in the end and feels a great deal of shame
Grief is a deeply personal thing and everyone grieves in different ways, some people want to talk and some people want to ignore, however people should respect the grieving mother and fathers feelings and take their lead. Your father clearly didn't do this and that's a real shame but unfortunately no one is perfect and as people have said it could be a generational thing.
Having some where you can pour out your feelings to people in the same boat must have been a great comfort, your sisters behaivour was a betrayal and I hope she realises that in the end and feels a great deal of shame
Its not right to rake up these old threads.
Really.
Just take a bloody moment to check the date.....
Really.
Just take a bloody moment to check the date.....
I wish I was a Zombie.
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