Grieving someone you had a poor relationship with

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Subject: Grieving someone you had a poor relationship with

Hi

This may seem a bit of a strange thing to post about, hope people don't feel I'm out of order for posting about future imagined grief - but here goes....

I've never had a good relationship with my dad, in fact we don't really speak, it's better that way. His mother hasn't long to live - they never had a particularly close relationship - fairly functional and controlling. I've been wondering a couple of things.

First is how to behave at her funeral when she dies. Maybe that seems strange and morbid...? But I think I will feel insincere mourning her and in some ways as cold as she is by not feeling moved by her passing. I also hate the idea of having to show kindness towards my father as he mourns her as it'll feel so false.

The other thing is how to deal with the failed relationship with my father. I have friends who have had family members die and their grieving seems far worse than those who have had good relationships as there is so much unresolved stuff and anger floating around. They are never able to really move on. These friends all made the comment when the relative died about the selfish timing of the death - e.g: 'she even managed to spoil my birthday from the grave, now my future birhdays will be blighted forever'.

I don't want to carry alll that bitterness - but I fear I will as I keep thinking about it a lot. I honestly feel unable to resolve my relationship with my father, so I always used to think it'd be better when he was gone - but now I don't think that'll be the case. Does anyone have any positive experiences of dealing with mourning people you have unhappy attachments to? I'd be grateful for any responses. Thanks.

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Subject: Grieving someone you had a poor relationship with

Couldn't you say that you'd rather not go to her funeral, when the time comes? as you weren't especially close, you could point out that you just wouldn't feel right attending. The remarks you heard about "spoiling birthdays" are probably a knee jerk reaction from hurt people, who often hit out verbally without thinking comments through properly before opening their mouths. Hope it works out for you love Honeychile xx

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Posts: 89
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Subject: Grieving someone you had a poor relationship with

Hey thanks for replying HC - guess I should have posted in relationships! Thanks for the advice, that had crossed my mind - I suppose I don't want to create an issue by not going...think i'd get branded as selfish by the rest of the family. I'll just be grown up and dignfied - try and be aware of how i'm feeling etc..xx

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