Leaving my husband

hi, this is my first post here (so be gentle with me lol) and am looking for a little impartial advice...

I feel my marriage of 8 years is over ( been together 12 years), Im mid thirties, hes 18 years older and have a 6 year old child.
We constanly argue with each other. I have a good (stressful) job so when i come home could really do without the constant bickering, he does nothing at all around the house while i juggle looking after the child, clean, do laundry, cook (not much recently though). It has come to a head recently as I cannot tolerate him loosing this temper and swearing at me infront of the child. I have put up with being unhappy, for the sake of my child ( I also have another 18 year old from a previous failed relationship and didint want a repeat). I never ever thought I would feel like this, I thought that he would be the person I would be for life.
I dont feel I love him anymore, he tells me he loves me in his stupid joking type way, but I feel extremly guilty for feeling this way and will be breaking up my family ( he has told me numerous times that if i walk away then it will be me breaking up the family & not him.

I dont know what im looking for,,,has anyone else felt like this??
Is it really better to stay together for the child???
thanks in advance xG

First of all HUGS .. what an awkward position to find yourself in
It does sound like things are going wrong .. have you tried any type of couples counselling to discuss the issues you have?
From my personal experience, it's never good to stay together for the children. I've been married and divorced a few times and the last time, I considered staying until my kids were older .... but kids pick up on bad vibes and although parents think they are protecting the child - it doesn't work like that. Children need to be in a happy environment not one with arguing and bad feeling.
Also I think you OH threatening you that if you leave it's YOU breaking up the family ... that simply is not the case and more him using emotional blackmail to keep you - so please do not beat yourself up about that. It takes two to make things work and it clearly sounds as if, although he's a mature man, he has a very childish attitude. If he starts saying that to you again, ask him exactly what effort he's putting into keeping the family together and happy.
No-one can tell you what to do for the best, only you can decide that ... but you must put yourself and your childs happiness first
Jx

Sorry things aren't great for you right now graceyy. Can I just ask you one question?

Do you think that the above quote is better for your child, or living in a close, secure one parent unit?

Unless things change and the anger stops then I think that the latter is going to be best for the child, every time.

Thanks both for you replies,
No we havnt tried counselling, I have had a few counselling sessions inthe past and we found out that it was my husband that was contributing to the situation ( i had burnout), and I feel quite resentful to him for that as he never helped me through a very tough time in my life.but just.critisised me for being tired and not fullfulling his 'rights'....and yes he may be 54 but he has a VERY childish attitude

As im writing this Im thinking "my god woman you should have left then"!

this is a stupid question but have you tried to talk to him about your relationship when you've not just had a arguement a heart to heart, have you both sad you're unhappy in the relationship? Maybe you should both make an appointment with each other so you both have a chance to gather your thoughts on this without either of you feeling pushed into a corner. Perhaps prepare things you wish to say in an non attack way then at the meeting present your thoguhts without being interrupted. it does take two people to work on a relationship and both of you need solutions in order to be happy.

perhaps if you made a list of chores at the start of every week that you shared out and that way he could complete them in his own time?

its hard to see teh bigger picture when everyday niggles take over then as one pulls away the other does too and then resentment can kick in. the goal is to get you both to trust each other again and open up to each other, you are not enemies you may have just lost your understanding of each other adn forgotton how to make each other happy.

i may be completely wrong, but if after all your efforts if he doesnt try and meet you half way then i'm afraid its gone.

Excellent advice from igloo...

Sorry that you are going through this. Its so tough isn't it? If you still care about him and would love and want him if he would change his behaviour, then definately try counselling. However, I'll tell you a little of my experience as food for thought. I divorced last year after 30 years of marriage. Our son was 28 and our daughter 26. I knew the marriage was wrong and that we were incompatible from within the first couple of years. We went into counselling twice over the years and it did help us to live more amicably, but it didn't make us compatible. I had thought that since we were both loving parents to our children, it was better for them for us to remain married throughout their childhoods, yet the divorce, when they were adults and niether were living at home, was still a huge explosion in the family. It turns out that there is some research which shows that divorce can be tougher on adult children of the marriage, than it would be if they were younger! This is said to be because parents tend to protect younger children for overhearing or knowing the worst of it. Adult children tend to be confided in (in my case a bit by me - wrong, but it happened. More by my former husband and extremely inapropriate).

I should have done it years before, it would have been easier on all of us. That doesn't mean ending it now is necassarily the best course of action for you, but anyway - food for thought!

Have you got friends/family you can turn to, this seems to be a lot of burden to keep on just your shoulders. You might need them more than you think if you're going to leave him, and his comment about you breaking up the relationship is wrong that's just blackmail

Hi Graceyy. Everyone who has replied to your post mentioning the "emotional blackmail" of your husband is completely right. He tries to put all blame on your shoulders while at the same time does not contribute as much as you to your family life. And I would also agree that it's NOT necessarily better to stay together for the children. My parents have been married almost 40 years, and looking back on the hurt they caused each other (and us!) but which is never talked about (and may never be), I don't think it's always worth it. Children do pick up on negative emotion and bad vibes and it can be painful for them too because they know all is not well, and can even feel responsible. Whether you stay together or split up, it's always really important to let children know any problems are not their fault.

At the risk of stereotyping, your husband may have some entrenched expectations of who should be responsible for housework and childcare. It may not even be conscious on his part, but a lot of men - and not necessarily older men! - do have some very old-fashioned ideas. It does sound as if he is behaving childishly and this just isn't acceptable in a 'grown-up' relationship because it involves him taking no responsibility for his actions and attitudes while at the same time you are running yourself into the ground trying to hold everything together and cope with his share of everything.

I'm 36 and have been living with my partner for just over two years (late starter...). There has been many a talk about housework sharing and it's only just beginning to change, a little, now. I've tried leaving all his dirty clothes and underwear in a heap on the floor (the floor is his wardrobe) but it makes no difference - it's all still there a week or more later. It's been no use me silently fizzing with passive aggression and trying to make a point without actually saying anything, the only thing that has worked is sitting down and discussing it all calmy. I've explained how I feel and have tried not to make it about criticism and accusation and this has had the most positive affect. Neither of us are the best at being honest about our feelings and sometimes I really have to push myself to bring something up, but it's worth it because that's what works best in the end. So I agree that it's a really good idea for you to try and discuss things with your husband. If he's prepared to listen to you and take things on board that will be great. However, if you've tried and tried with only defensiveness, criticism back at you and emotional blackmail from him as a result, I would think he is not worth the pain. Someone who did nothing to support you through a harrowing time in your life and then continues to behave selfishly when you try to discuss things in a non-confrontational way sounds like another kid in the family and someone who gives love with huge conditions attached.

I hope you do not mind me saying, but from your post, it sounds like you also have difficulty expressing your feelings and being honest about what you need, perhaps you've been conditioned into this from a very young age. I would say this is definitely true for me. Perhaps you feel (have been made to feel) that expressing negative emotion and perfectly reasonable needs is being selfish somehow. I think your husband is taking advantage of this to keep an unfair status quo that only benefits him. The way out of this is honest communication. Perhaps couples counselling would be a good idea as suggested. I know I've been considering it strongly.

I hope that this is at least a little helpful to you Graceyy, and that I've not been presumptuous.

hx

Thanks so much!!! These posts are really helpful!!

Well tonight I've tried to talk and it has fallen on deaf ears ( he knows its the end & just waiting for 1 of us to walk out,,,says hes been here before as previously married). Asked to contribute more..response was "my job physical" and he does do the shopping (pop into tesco x 1 per week for odds). I think this stems from his mum always doing everything,,,running around after his dad and generally being the doormat..Well I dont want to end up llike that!!!,

I have recently confided in a friend and also family member who are very supportive and can see whats going on and have done for a long time, they are fully supportive of me leaving.

Helen you are right I do find it difficult expressing my feelings, but I believe I have tried. I do come across as a strong woman in my relationship who doesnt take no crap from him, when really deep down Im the same as anyone else who just wants happiness, love and respect from a marraige, and for a long time I havent had any....if I ever did!!

I suppose I need to face up to the failures and move on happily with my kids as I never ever want to go back to the time I had burnout, worse time of my life, missed months of my little one growing up

Thanks again xx

Morning sweetie. I have suffered burnout too so understand where you are coming from there. PM me if you want to have a chat about that ok?

I also have been a single mum for 12 years and I KNOW, absoltely 100 per cent that has been best for my son - the alternative was a marraige without respect or love, and filled with arguments and bitterness.

I wish you courage in your decision making xx

Morning, Couldn't sleep properly with all this floating around, but It's as if I've had a lightbulb moment and know that I'm going to leave , It's just a question when?? With Christmas coming it may be better if I stay so the little one has us together ( althought I have to work christmas day and boxing day).

I'm feeling quite positive, I know I can do it on my own, and feels that I will be able to spend more quality time with my little one (as now I just seem to be running around doing everything then the OH critisising me for not spending time down the park or whatever).
I have to stay that I have been socialising with friends/colleagues lately which adds fuel to my OH attitude, I enjoy being with them, they make me feel good, listen to me, I suppose I get more support from them. OH feels Im 'out on the pull' ....another man at the mo is the last thing on my mind!!!

Satsumakitten, how long did it take for you to settle down after you left??


XXX G XXX

I am 31 and divorced and it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I dont have a child but do know of people who are now adults who maintain that it is far better to have 2 parents living separately but happily than together.

I would consult a solicitor before you make a move, this will allow you to get a handle on the financial situation but also if he starts trying to scare you into staying by using the legal aspect / messy divorcve etc you will have all the info you need and you will be in a stronger position as you will be informed.

A solicitor will also provide info regarding maintenance and who should stay in the family home.

Good luck and sending you a massive hug.

Tough times ahead but in the long run it will be for the best.

xxx

I have def been sacrificing my own happiness for a long time, to a husband that has been take, take, take. I know he is not going to want to leave me in the martital home and will prob never move out himself so I am prepared to go and rent somewhere, but def will have to consult a solicitor first as Ive always paid the mortgage and bills due to having the most stable job.

It has also taken me years to reach this point, and like you say I also have spent years of trying to be what he wanted, tbh Ive been a real good wife ( he says that Im a great mum, worker, organiser but the 1 thing I lack is a sex drive!!!.....wonder why???).

Im starting to look forward to a life without someone putting me down, and enjoying life with my two kids!!!

Thanks all for you replys, I know Ive said it in each post but really XX